October 21, 2014: start prepping for a zombie apocalypse

Now that I am aware of my non existent-mild psychic powers I need to respect them and believe that thoughts come into my head for a reason. On two occasions my mind went to survival scenarios today; once when participating in my urban sustainable agriculture course discussion and a second time at work when phones and computers were down and we discussed the 2003 North American east coast black out.

Why twice in one day? It’s enough for me to feel the need to be more thoughtful in my knowledge and prepared with the right tools. Sure, I know how to create a crude water filter for an emergency and I know how to make a clay pot refrigeration system using evaporation, But is that enough to survive? No, probably not. I don’t carry cash or have a pantry full of preserves. I also don’t know how to catch a squirrel (sorry small friends but this vegetarian would have to survive somehow). While I don’t actually envision a zombie apocalypse, a black out or natural disaster are quite feasible. By the way, for emergency short term use your own home can provide you with safe drinking water in the reservoirs of your toilets and in the hot water tank (there is a release valve at the bottom) you’re welcome!

I don’t think I will become one of the extremists or “preppers” as they’re called, but I certainly could be better prepared than not at all. Some neighborhoods actually coordinate their prepping efforts with different families acting as specialists in certain areas (medical, gardening etc). For now I have bought two survival books and some flint stone. That seems like a practical tool to have. I could start 1,000 fires for the low price of $1.49!!!!!
I didn’t buy one but those para-cord bracelets seem pretty popular, and oh so fashionable! Maybe Santa will put a pink one in my stocking.

You might be laughing now but it will be me who’s laughing when I sit on a hot summers day sipping my cold clean water while I watch you slowly suffer from dehydration and heat stroke.


October 20, 2014: it’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to

I am pure shit at this doing new things thing. Gawd, I’ve cried on my birthday before, get a new damned thing. I’ll find something by the time I’m done writing this. Maybe.

I don’t know why I’m crying, nothing has happened and it’s not related to my birthday I don’t think. I’m old enough that birthdays don’t matter to me anymore. There have been some people today that I was surprised to hear from which was nice but expectedly there were some people I didn’t hear from at all (my family). I’m used to my family not remembering my birthday so surely it’s not that making me cry. My only birthday wish was to go out for dinner, which didn’t happen because one of my children had a hockey try out. Of course I don’t resent that, obviously that is more important. My weekend plans with friends were also cancelled due to an illness. I don’t blame them for being sick though, it happens. I’ve often said, the best plans are cancelled plans!

Sleep continues to elude me unless I take a sleeping pill. I can’t take them two nights in a row though because they don’t work the second night.

Work is fine although I find myself casually seeking other positions with increased frequency. I grow tired of the malicious manipulation of colleagues. Unless one is self employed though I suspect that is inevitable anywhere.

I wish I had a hamster that would let me dress him up in tiny sweater vests and bow ties. Actually I’d want a female hamster. Literally half of a male hamsters body is balls.

Depression is a dirty cunt whore that doesn’t care when the fuck she comes to pay you a visit. You could be all hey, it’s sunny, I’m alive, I ate some great cake and then dirty cunt whore walks up with her slutty skirt and smelly ground found cigarette and she’s all like “hey baby, you wanna feel sad? Yeah, let’s cry a little. just like that”

I’m going to buy some zombie garden gnomes on Amazon now. I wish I could shop with my fingerprint on Amazon like I can on iTunes. I’m going to make a circle of zombie gnomes around myself to scare dirty cunt whore away.

October 17,2914: Insont think sleeping pills and whiskey mix

Muahahahah. I’m funny but so tired. Wish me luck.

I don’t know wtf that was. After a very long time of not sleeping I broke down and took a sleeping pill last nigh. It hit me fast and I guess I wrote that just before I passed out. it was glorious. I slept for 10 hours!!!! It was like old times again. My dream self fought the devil in disguise (twice!) by singing church hymns and sprinkling them with some kind of sparkle dust.

I feel like I should put on my best Maria dress and spin around the alps singing. I’m going to let myself believe that this is how i shall sleep from now on. Effexor you’re not the boss of me!!!!! ……. Today anyway.


October 16, 2014: start Rollin’ Rollin’ Rollin’ Rollin’, what?

Last nights good sleep didn’t happen. I didn’t get up, eat cereal, do laundry and take out the garbage in the middle of the night though so I guess that’s a win.

I’m an irregular smoker however in the past 20 years not once have I ever rolled my own. They’ve been rolled by friends or ingested in alternate ways. Tonight was the big night. I bought a new lighter and rolling papers. What I didn’t buy was filters so I just made my own from my holiday lego catalogue cover. I need a grinder because I don’t want to soil my culinary pestle and mortar. So really considering those factors this isn’t too bad of a first attempt.


Tonight I had better sleep well…. If not this is probably my new reality.


October 15, 2014: become one of those people who buys a costume for their dog

It’s finally happened. I’ve become that person who takes the time to shop around and select a costume for their dog. I had actually preferred the dog ewok costume but held out for something better from the next store. That was a mistake. There is nothing better than an ewok. I got the next best thing, a velociraptor.


I write this after having slept only a few hours last night. This Effexor induced insomnia is getting really old. Last night it was so bad that I had my breakfast around 3:30am, did some laundry and took out the garbage. Every Time I lay down my brain just won’t shut off. It’s amazing the things that I think about really. Last night it was about creating a survival/emergency kit. I planned out what to include and where I should buy the items I needed. I also reviewed survival tips in my head. When I finally fell asleep about 5am (one hour before my alarm was to go off) I dreamt that I had travelled to South Korea which in my dream seemed much like Tokyo. I was witness to a police standoff where the gunman finally just jumped to his death from the glass bridge he was on. I went for a drive to see the sights and popped in a Black crows cassette, then I went shopping and the clothes were all women’s hello kitty underwear, fake Swarovski jewelry and pin on raccoon tails. Is that racist? Am I a dream racist?! Today at work was hectic and in the afternoon my eyes began to burn like dry fire. At 4:17 I decided to close them just for a second to relieve the pain. I don’t think I fell asleep but when I opened my eyes again I felt a little disoriented. I have taken to my own herbal sleep aid tonight in hopes of finding relief. Sadly my lighter died after a couple of flicks
Though. Damn it universe, give an awesome chick a break. I absolutely need to sleep tonight or I’m going to be an insane mess tomorrow. Wish me luck.

October 14, 2014: cry in a meeting

Well, I’ve reached a new career high today. I cried in a meeting.

My last absence from work (remember that time at the end of July when I tried to kill myself?) triggered a mandatory attendance management meeting. Despite having my anxiety and depression recently deemed “chronic and/or episodic” which was not to cause further meetings to occur for said conditions, that deeming occurred approximately two weeks after I was off work. That meant that company policy dictated that the meeting needed to go ahead despite the fact that there was no actions to occur or further conversation to be had. The meeting contained my three next up superiors in order as well as my union representative. I have been frustrated at the senselessness of the meeting and asked to take the lead and begin. I began by saying that the company’s values are not reflected in their actions and that they don’t treat their employees the way they expect their employees to treat their clients. I went on to say that it was a poor use of everyone’s time to meet for the sake of meeting and that it was unfair of them to ask me to relive the experience three months later. As soon as I started to talk about how hard it was for me to recover and that I have put it all behind me now, it all came rushing back and I started to cry. I didn’t mean to cry. I didn’t want to cry. When I had said everything I wanted to, the highest boss said “well, I guess we’re done here. Meeting adjourned”. Apologies from all ensued and i was told that my policy concerns would be brought forward to an audit group.

As much as I hate that I cried in front of those individuals, I won’t dwell too much on it as it seems to have brought forward my message in a meaningful and resonating way.

On a side note I’ve been casually exploring alternative career options. I have found one position in particular that interests me however it is in a larger nearby city which would mean an additional hour commute each way. The new challenges entice me but I have to weigh at some point if my own personal time is more valuable to me than this position. I think it might be. Now if this job entailed training unicorns for costume glitter ball dances then of course there would be nothing to even think about!! Alas, that job has still not presented itself.

I wonder if I cried in that meeting today because it’s almost time for the red army to invade. Goddamn Mother Nature needs a punch in the fucking tit .