September 16, 2014: Work on my possibly sub-par parenting skills

I always thought I was a decent enough parent. Like every parent I wanted my kids to have the things growing up that I didn’t.  For me that meant hugging them and telling them I love them.  That meant ever so occasionally buying them things when it’s not their birthday or Christmas. It meant buying them new clothes instead of used ones. It meant buying them good quality running shoes. Don’t mistake me, I have no problems with buying used clothes but I do have a problem with paying a school friend’s mother for their old clothes that they don’t want anymore. “Why yes, I am sporting Trish’s wardrobe from last year, thank you for noticing”. I also have unpleasant memories of my parents buying me these horrible cheap hard plastic like running shoes which cracked the first time the weather got cold.  I know these are superficial things, but these are things that still stand out in my mind and I don’t want those to be the memories my children have of their childhood.

I haven’t spoiled my children.  They have many toys, movies and electronics, but I say no very often.  Somehow despite my best intentions of raising thoughtful, caring and helpful children my oldest (8) has turned into some kind of pessimistic, self-centered, angry and whinny monster. I don’t know how it happened.  When he was 4 we had our first talk about homelessness and he decided when he grew up he wanted to build houses for the all homeless.  Now at the old age of 8 if I ask him to do anything he doesn’t want to he rolls his eyes and then when I call him on his behaviour he yells “I HATE YOU!” and stomps up to his room and slams his door.  What the fuck?  What the actual fuck has happened?!!! I’m not sure what I’ve done or what I could have done differently.  i genuinely don’t know if he has some kind of mental health issues or is just being an asshole. In a desperate attempt to alter his behaviour I bought a book today called “Have a new kid by Friday: how to change your child’s attitude, behaviour & character in 5 days” . As always I bought it online so I’ll have to wait until it arrives.  Presumably by the title I’m meant to begin on a Monday. I also bought him books geared toward his own age about being kind, materialism and self-esteem.

My second child (6) brought home a letter yesterday from school to notify me that she is being placed in a special reading program (the word “intervention” was actually used).  I know she is behind where my son was at her age. I am now questioning whether or not I spent as much time with her reading as I did with my son and if I have now put her behind all her classmates.  I’m certain that this is my fault and I feel guilty about that.  I bought a shit ton of practice books online for her.  So many in fact that she will probably hate school and learning in general.

I wonder if it is my fault or if every kid is actually just a little fucked up you just don’t really know it.  If every kid could just wear a little sign advertising their deficits it would really make me feel better as a parent. I think this is a good idea. Maybe some signs would say “poops in bushes” or ” scared of mirror monsters”.  Knowing someone else’s kid is more fucked up than yours would be really helpful.

I had two bottles of Pepsi today and it sent me into a Pepsi rage.  Do you know what makes me mad as fuck?  When someone doesn’t want to take on a task and is happy to have someone else do it until they realize that that someone else will be given a reduction in another area to make up for time spent on said task.  Then all of a sudden someone gets pissed off and wants to do that task because they think it’s easier.  I know this makes no sense and is vague as fuck, but just have a Pepsi, rage out and agree with me.

Do you know what else is makes me mad as fuck?  Apple.  Apple and their itunes. Also phone companies.  After carefully monitoring my phone companies price on the iphone5s and waiting for it to drop after the iphone6 announcement, do you know what they did?  They raised the fucking price instead of dropping it!  Jesus fucking christ.  That is bullshit. I called them and after significant negotiation received a reduced rate that i could live with. Bastards. I went in tonight to pick up my beautiful 32 GB space grey iphone5s and assumed they would just transfer all the old phone data. They didn’t but I was advised that it was as easy as just plugging my new phone into my computer.  This was a lie.  A bullshit heap of lies.  itunes is completely fucking stupid and not user friendly at all.  It took at least 3 hours to get it sorted out and included switching back and forth phones numerous times and googling for help.  I had two phones in front of me and was getting texts from different people on each phone. Oh, and think all those texts that you have deleted in the past are gone?  No they fucking well aren’t because the texts on my new phone are all from the winter of 2014.  Anyone want to relive the past?!  Anyone?  Bueller?  Bueller?  Goddamn it apple you are bullshit.  Then when I finally sorted it all out (more or less, 600 of my songs are still missing)  I went to try my new phone and guess what?  It didn’t remember any of my user names or passwords for my apps.  I had to enter them all again!  Jesus, who can remember all that shit.  Well apparently I can but it took me a very long time.  I’m going to start a “suck a giant hairy cock list” and Apple can go right to the top.

I think I should implement a one Pepsi/day limit.

September 14, 2014: Give Portlandia a second chance

i watched Portlandia once a year or so ago and wasn’t very keen on it and never watched it again.  I decided it was time to give it another go and now I don’t understand why I didn’t like it.  I must have been going through something at the time because the mockery and silliness of it are everything in life that I stand for.

Best bit from today’s episodes:

It reminds me of a penis……

If you’ll recall from a few weeks ago, yesterday was get red hair day.  I’m sure you’ve all marked it on your calendar and have been waiting with baited breath to see it. I spent a little more than usual to have it done using Elumen ( http://www.goldwell.com/en-gb/products/color/elumen ) It makes your hair look healthier, is very vibrant and is low fade. I’m very pleased with it and the anime/cosplay comments it has received.  After some thought on what to do with my face, I’m afraid I’ve settled on pixelated which is rather boring.  I should have added my cat’s face. That would have been awesome.

new hair

Please enjoy the song I’m playing on repeat tonight. My favourite vaccines song.  Have I posted it before?  It’s possible.  The 3:22 mark is awesome in it’s purist form.

Put a bird on it!

September 12, 2014: attend an AA meeting

This morning’s funeral was easier than I had anticipated. Catholic funerals to me are very formal affairs with people being told when to stand and what to say. Aside from mention of the persons name, it was impersonal. Not much of a life celebration in my opinion but maybe the impersonal part is what brings makes feel like they can make it through that process.

This afternoon I went back to the psychiatric hospital to visit a client. Beforehand I wondered if it would be hard for me to be back there again but I decided that that time in my life was not really me. It was a fucked up psychotic version of me. It wasn’t hard to be there at all. I passed one of my nurses in the hall and I wondered if she recognized me. I don’t think she did. My time there is instilled in my memory forever but my time there to her was probably just a blip. I visited with my client for about an hour before being invited to an AA meeting. I’ve been to an NA meeting years ago but never AA. During the brief meeting one person left and another broke down crying. I had to keep biting my tongue remembering that I was there to participate, not to be the facilitator as is my usual group role. We read passages and discussed what they meant to us with regards to our day. It was short and pleasant enough.

On my way out, I passed the ward I had stayed in. Outside the ward was my tile that I had made many months ago on a your when the hospital first opened. The universe keeps connecting me to that place again and again.

IMG_6525.JPG

September 11, 2014: Take a COLD shower and other updates

Apparently there are scientific studies to show the benefits of taking cold showers.  Here are the top 8 benefits as per science.

1. It helps with breathing

2. It boosts immunity

3.  It improves circulation

4. It’s a natural anti-depressant

5. It strengthens you mentally and physically

6. It has an anti-ageing effect on the skin

7. It reduces inflammation

Faithful readers know I’m all about trying anything that is a natural anti-depressant, BUT I also enjoy very long and very hot showers. My first thought of a cold shower was In 1999 when I went to Belize and I remember when the plane landed and we walked down that set of stairs onto the tarmac that the air was so hot and thick that you chew it rather than breathe it. After a day of sweating in that weather I told myself how amazing it was going to feel to have a very cold shower.  When my time to shower finally came I ran it cold and remember it being incredibly unpleasant.  In the end my desire for a cold shower faded and the warm one was pure delight.

My past shower experience aside, I was ready to try it again. As I take very long showers I couldn’t do the whole thing cold or I would surely suffer from hypothermia so I did cold shower for phase two only. Yes, my shower happens in phases.  I have a well planned shower routine and phase two was cold time. Strange as it sounds I actually enjoyed it.  It woke me up and I spent my hair drying time dancing so that’s a good sign.  More scientific research is required but so far so good.

UPDATES:

Fantastic news for those eagerly waiting in anticipation.  That contest I entered in day 174?  http://lazyanxiousgirl.com/2014/06/25/day-174-enter-my-cat-in-a-contest/ Yeah he won! He’ll be featured in a calendar because he’s so goddamn handsome.

Those Tarot cards I did September 2, 2014?  http://lazyanxiousgirl.com/2014/09/03/september-2-2014-read-your-own-tarot-cards/ Complete and utter bullshit!!! Mind, I did read them improperly so I’ll give them one more chance.

Sleeping?  Well, I think not sleeping is just my life now.  I need to embrace it. Last night I had a dream about this Canadian show I used to watch called Tall Ship Chronicles. I don’t know where that dream came from, although I have been thinking about boats a lot maybe so that might be it.  Anyway, it’s a show about a voyage around the world on a tall ship called The Picton Castle and I really loved that show. My dream self got super excited to experience it again and so I woke up and tried to remember all of it.  It was so many years ago that my mind just made up most of it but we had an amazing journey.  I should scour the internet and try to find it somewhere because I think I’d like to watch it again. Think of the kegs of booze and awesome outfits I could wear as a sailor.

I went to a visitation today for the client that we recently learned passed away.  Although I think I knew this already, today reinforced the fact that I am completely useless in situations of death. Myself and some co-workers attended knowing that for confidentiality sake we couldn’t really explain to the family how we knew the deceased.  It’s awkward because the family knew them and you knew them, but you each knew different parts of them.  And you cannot be fully truthful as to how you knew them.  I tried to be as thoughtful and caring to the family as I could but I’m afraid I was about as useful as tits on a bull (my grandma’s favourite saying…. aside from her racist comments) Tomorrow morning is the funeral which I am attending.  I am attending to remember the person that I cared for and I am attending to support the friend that I love who knew them much better than I did.  I am also attending because my own client was friend’s with them.  They became friend’s through our program.  My client’s words to me were (as a 50 something year old ) I’ve never had a best friend before, but if I ever had, it would have been” them. Tomorrow will be a sad day.

I have rediscovered my love for whiskey.  A good, smooth whiskey.  I don’t want to say I”m using it to cope, but it is certainly not doing me any harm right now.  Hello whiskey my old friend:  It’s been awhile.  I’ve missed you.  You’re as great as everyone says you are.  Have I told you that I’ve missed you?

 

September 9, 2014: my shoes were made for walking and that’s just what they’ll do

Sunday night’s sleeping pill was sadly ineffective. Although less frequently, I still woke up several times during the night. I thought about it and decided that maybe I’m not getting enough exercise. When I was in my apartment I was walking to and from work (1/2hr each way) and when weather permitted I was walking over my lunch hour. Now I’m too far to walk and my lunch hour walks for whatever reason fell by the wayside. While the reason for resuming my walks is for sleep, today I needed the lunch hour walk for my own solitude and reflection. In the early evening I went for another walk. I don’t know yet if it is coincidence but I am currently very tired.

Yesterday at work I began to feel uninspired and tired. Tired of caring, tired of hearing the same stories of theft, assault and job loss over and over again. I had had enough and wanted out. Then at the end of the day we heard the news that one of our program participants had died. It came as a shock for us and didn’t register for anyone right away. While I didn’t work with this client individually I knew them relatively well because of our group programming.

Today was a time for our team to really process what had happened. For me it led me to think about my own clients that I had lost. It brought back all the guilt of the woulda coulda shouldas. My first client loss was about four years ago. I started to wonder if I had had all the skills and knowledge I have now, would I have done something differently? Could I have done something differently? Would they be alive if I had done something differently? And then I thought of my most recent client loss. They had been in the hospital and I knew it but I didn’t make time to go visit. I could not have prevented that death but I could have visited. I could have shown that I cared and that they were important to me. I still carry that guilt with me. I am also now feeling guilty about my feeling of compassion fatigue yesterday. It seems so selfish of me to be tired of caring for people.

My lunch walk began with those feelings of helplessness to change and hopelessness about my work. I wondered what was the point of it when I couldn’t stop people from being victims of various things. I spent a lot of time dwelling on that and my own sadness and guilt. Part way through my lunch walk I just decided that I’d had enough of those thoughts and changed my music to something more uplifting. I reminded myself that my work is important and I receive regular reminders of that through clients thanks and own accomplishments. Every time I help someone find a doctor it’s important. Every time I see someone in jail it’s important. Every time I listen to someone tell their story of sexual abuse for the first time it’s important. Every time I do a safety plan with someone suicidal it’s important. In times of sorrow and helplessness I need to remind myself of the good. I can’t be everything to everyone but I can be something to someone.

September 7, 2014: try sleeping pills

My sleep lately has been horrible and filled frequent wake ups. I used to be a great sleeper. Ideally I’m an eight to nine hours a night kind of gal and ever so occasionally a couch nap sometime during the day. I love sleep, it’s my favourite. I don’t know why the help my body is fighting something it loves so much. If you love it, you should do it!

I saw my doctor Friday for a form and I mentioned my terrible anxiety due to lack of sleep. Now I have prescription sleeping pills. Zopiclone? Something like that anyway. A google search tells me it’s illegal in many countries. That fact alone should tell me something. Regardless, I took one last night and holy fuck what a glorious sleep I had!!!! 11pm to 7:30am with not a single wake up. It was like reuniting with an old friend. You just click and you’re so happy to remember all the good times you’ve had together. You remember how much they mean to you and how much you’ve missed them. You say “let’s keep in touch” even though you know it may be awhile before you see them again. It was really a good fucking sleep. I want to write poetry about it.

I know they’re addictive and to be used as a PRN and so I will have to be conscious of my use. With that said I will take another tonight in hopes of getting my body back into some sort of glorious routine. I am jealous of cats with all their many naps. Also their internet fame. And simplistic love of boxes.

September 6, 2014: Start a University course….. again

Last year I began a university diploma in addictions however due to my own health and let’s be honest, laziness, I did not complete it. $600 poorly spent.

Well, I’ve done it again except a different course. Lately I’ve been very interested in “alternative” therapies such as art, music and horticulture. Talk therapy is of course important but I particularly enjoy working with an individual on task oriented therapy. It’s an easy way to incorporate skill building, networking and self confidence into the therapeutic process.

My own readings lately have involved permaculture and self sustainability of food agriculture. Essentially a natural and sustainable way to support oneself by producing your own food. With those interests and employment interests in mind, I have selected a certificate course called Urban Sustainable Agriculture. Unfortunately like all University courses in countries that do not provide it for free, the course is rather expensive. One $600 course at a time, I will get through.

For myself, I look forward to increasing my own food production without use of pesticides. For my employment, I don’t know where it will lead but there are options. Horticulture is a bit of a lost art that is a specialized and important skill to learn. In terms of horticultural therapy, community gardens are a means to providing food sustainability to low income citizens and encourages engagement for marginalized populations. It can also be an opportunity for aforementioned populations to learn new skills and earn an income.

The course starts in just over a week and I’m rather excited about it. We’ll see how excited I am when I’m working on it for 12 hours a week.

Here I grow again! *collective moan*