I am tired of feeling shitty every goddamn day and I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of feeling badly for myself for realizing too late of all the good things I had before I fucked them up. I’m tired of knowing that everything that makes me feel so much pain all the time is entirely my own fault. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t fix it. I’m tired of feeling unloved even though I know it’s what I deserve. It’s pretty fucking awful and I want it all to stop but I can’t seem to make that happen.
Clearly whatever I’m doing now isn’t working so it’s time to try something else. I’ve seen psychiatrists, and they are great at giving me pills and jotting notes down on their fucking clipboards while nodding their heads and I’ve seen a counsellor who was great at saying all the things I already knew. All of them told me that I was very self aware and didn’t need to see them anymore. Maybe I’m seeing the wrong ones because I don’t feel fixed. I still cut myself. I still grab my neck hard and tight until it hurts and I can’t hold on anymore. I still binge and purge and I still think about killing myself. These are not normal things and I know that. I don’t want to do these things, I don’t want to think that those are reasonable coping strategies. They are exactly what I need them to be, an outlet for me to feel in control of myself when I feel like everything else is out of my control. Pain and punishment is a way to distract myself from feeling sad all the time. If someone I knew told me they were doing this I would be worried and concerned for them, but I don’t show myself the same regard. It’s easier to help other people than it is to help yourself.
I was supposed to move out of my apartment last weekend but I didn’t. Do you know why? Because I have packed literally nothing and didn’t bother to even call and book the truck. I have piles of clean and dirty laundry on my floor, no clean towels and not even toilet paper. The food in my fridge has been in the same containers and pots for at least a month. I’m scared to open them. I am a fucking mess. I have however been taking excellent care of my ever loving and faithful companion: my cat Super Nibs. Handsome bastard. It is very clear to me that my current strategies or lack thereof are not helpful to me in any way whatsoever. So in recognition that what I am doing has been unsuccessful, I chose to do some counselling tonight. I have multiple ways of accessing my service provider and online happened to be one of them. I shop online, connect online, bank online so I might as well get some counselling there too.
One of the benefits was that I could sit on my couch and not have to see anyone. I got nervous at first but got over that pretty quickly and cry typed the whole time. I’m not convinced I feel any better though because I hadn’t cried all day until I started the session. The end result was more or less being told that I should really be setting up ongoing sessions with the same counsellor instead of the one off that I tried to do tonight. As much as it hasn’t worked before, I’m all for feeling better so I have agreed. Everyone needs someone to dump their shit on.
My supervisor sent this today saying it reminded her of all the little things that we in social services do that has an impact on others and the world. I thought it was nice and it made me smile.
Oooh, I’ve just been asked by friends to catsit for them… possibly, maybe. They have a handful of hairless cats that make me giggle.
It is slightly possible that maybe I do feel a teensy bit better after all. Also I would like to add that for anyone who read yesterday’s blog and thought, wow, booze and Taco Bell sound like a super good combination: You would be wrong.
About once a year I go to a casino and make an evening of it with sightseeing, a nice dinner and some gambling. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been and I was getting a hankering for it so I thought I’d try the online version. Because I’d never tried it before I did the trial version which means no money transactions. I’m a classic slot machine kind of girl, none of those digital bullshit machines. I want to see those goddamn cherries and bar symbols spinning by. So while I played the “classic” version online, they are obviously digital. I still enjoyed it, but there is something to be said for the people watching in casinos where old people turn into evil lurkers ready to steal your seat the moment you get up. Sometimes it’s fun to stand up and then just stretch a little bit to watch them awkwardly linger and keep going when you sit back down. I’ve never won a lot at casinos but I have also never lost anything.
I’ve been feeling much better since the termination of my online dating profiles. My experience can be summed up in this picture (I’m the one on the left)
I heard this song on the radio today. Let’s all remember how awesome it is.
For the rest of my day I plan to get afternoon drunk, eat reheated TacoBell (I’m not too good for soggy warm iceberg lettuce) and watch Sponge Bob Square Pants.
As an added bonus you also receive Volbeat’s remake of the Kitty Wells classic:
My first comicon/indie gamingcon was a relatively small scale three day one that is open until 4am, Wowza. I knew it would be a T & A fest so I wore my shortest dress which is a butterfly flutter away from showing my ass creases. I didn’t feel at all uncomfortable in it. It was a feast for the eyes with cosplay everywhere and some amazing artists. It could have been made better with booze though, although that can probably be said for life as a whole.
This guy’s “costume” was him in his underwear. My phone won’t let me upload the pic though so you’ll just have to trust me.
I found this furry thing laying in a hallway. I think it’s tired.
There are more pictures but my phone has a mind of it’s own and doesn’t feel like working with me today. I still love you dinosaur age iPhone.
That is supposed to be selfish, it was a typo but I liked it so I left it.
Yesterday was another bad day for me. I slept from 9:30am until about 4:30pm. When I’m feeling shitty I will often choose sleeping over curling up in a ball and crying because it makes the time go by and I don’t have to think about things. As usual I recognize that hibernation is an ineffective coping mechanism but I prefer it to the crying because there’s a least a chance I might have some nice dreams.
I had planned a birthday get together last night with some friends and was going to back out. When I’m in shut down mode I find it difficult to think about anyone except myself and simply surviving. At 4:30 though I somehow was able to acknowledge the disappointment and poor etiquette I would be displaying by not showing up. So I showered and got my ass on a bus to make it and put on a good show for everyone.
I deleted my two online dating profiles yesterday. Got 99 problems but online dating is not one of those aforementioned problems.
Yesterday’s post, a day behind yet again. Yesterday was pure shit and that is all I want to say about it.
I did learn how to drive standard though so there’s that. I managed to not stall at all and the only issue was when I went around a corner and tried to go to first but went to third instead. I took it too fast and yelled fuck me! Fuck me! It will take a special kind of instructor to handle my profanities.
For those unawares, MLS is Million legion sacrafice….. that’s a bit of a lie. It’s Major League Soccer, and yesterday was my first ever soccer match played by someone over the age of 5. The team was very well supported with most people wearing the team colours and clothes. The fans are much more entertaining than any other sport I’ve ever been to with their songs and cheers. There was an English man a few rows behind me who was very funny which made the whole experience that much better. I wonder if I was English if I would still find the English men funny. Probably not.
Out for a bro skip :)
An online dating site update: Yesterday I managed to briefly go online without crying. Success! In two days of match.com and one day of Plenty of Fish I have been contacted by approximately 40 men in some way or another. I really don’t know how people have time for this shit…. seriously I have Netflix to watch and naps to have.
I’ve been told recently by someone that I occasionally lack follow through on some of my blog topics so here it goes in an organized fashion. If you just want to read about today’s topic please skip to #3.
1. Forrest Gump: I didn’t end up falling asleep while watching it and thought it was a sweet movie. I wanted not to like it, but it was cute.
2. Meds update: I saw my doctor last week for a med review because I was still on a lower dosage than my psychiatrist wanted me to be. I’d had a few bad days, but overall I was feeling pretty good. So up went my meds and since then I have actually had periods of anxiety every single day. I’ll give it a bit more time because it might just be coincidental at this point.
3. Last night I delved into the online dating site world. I signed up with match.com. I didn’t plan on it, it was just one of those spontaneous things that I sometimes do. I guess maybe some realities were finally sinking in for me. Things that I didn’t want to accept to be true and things that I didn’t want to give up on. Maybe it was my fuck you, here I go on without you…. I don’t know. I suppose it’s not a fuck you if the other person doesn’t care though is it? Whatever it was, I think I did it for the wrong reasons because I started to cry while completing my profile. Once I was all done and having a look around the site it made me feel physically sick. It felt wrong, and I didn’t like it. I can see for some people it could give you the self esteem and ego boost you need with all the attention but personally it made me feel dirty and gross. While laying awake last night I told myself by morning I would just delete my profile and make it all go away. But I didn’t delete it, I left it. And then do you know what else I did? I signed up with plenty of fish too. I don’t know enough about the sites yet to know if they have new people’s profiles posted on the front page, but it sure seems like it. Hey guys here’s a new one, quick GOOOOOO! I don’t know how people have time to do all this. winks, likes, favourites, messages, it’s all just too much. I had to log out of PoF shortly after making my profile because I just couldn’t deal with it. Crying every time I log in may be a good indication that I’m just not ready. Oh, and the most surreal part of it all was having baby daddy’s profile come up for me. I don’t even want to talk about that.
I’ve spent a significant amount of time crying the last two days, sometimes to the point of hyperventilating. I don’t think I’m very well right now, possibly even slightly unstable. I just want to break something, make everything go away. Some realities are just too hard to deal with.