March 29, 2015: Make bread

Since  learning about a month ago what L-cysteine is (a protein made from human hair and/or feathers) that is commonly found in bread products, I have been avoiding fast food restaurants that serve burgers or subs and buying only fresh made in store bakery bread. I’m not eating hair, or feathers. Another reminder to always read the ingredients in what you buy. If you don’t know what it is, you shouldn’t put it in your mouth. Words to live by. 

I was the first one awake on a sunny Sunday so I decided today was the day Id make my first loaf of bread. While I am lazy, I’m still fancy so I went with an onion and cheese loaf. I found the recipe here: 

http://www.food.com/recipe/easy-cheese-and-onion-bread-441952

1/4 of a cup of sugar seemed excessive to me so I just added a little sprinkle. I wanted bigger bits of cheese so I used the giant side of my cheese grater, although not all graters have that as an option. My grater is better than your grater!!! The recipe didn’t say what size pan to use so I went with a large round cake pan. Here it is ready to go in the oven. 

  

And here it is all done.

  

As its a yeast free recipe, it’s quite dense and more like a biscuit. It was delicious and paired well with my fresh lemon and green tea for breakfast. Next time I think I will actually make it into biscuits instead of a loaf. 

Who the fuck do I think I am now? Drinking tea and eating fresh bread on a Sunday morning. Awesome, that’s who I am. I’m awesome. 

March 27th, buy discount underwear and learn to use a cash register

A couple weeks ago I started to notice my underwear supply seemed to be decreasing. I thought maybe some was in thee laundry or gotten mixed in with someone else’s laundry. Then, I found it. Lifting up the mattress to get the dog out from under the bed, I saw them. A treasure trove of crotchless panties. My dog had been taking them from the laundry, eating the crotches and hiding the evidence. My dog is gay for me. 

I don’t like rummaging through piles of things when I shop. I like my clothes including underwear to be in nice little rows and hanging on hangers but the reality is when replacing a large number of underwear all at once I couldn’t afford the ones on the hangers. I could afford the 7 for $28 rummage through a pile kind. And so I am now the proud owner of 7 new pairs of discount panties with crotches.

In the evening, in preparation for my first bar tending experience next week, I learned to use a cash register. I don’t even know if that’s what they’re still called. I’ve never worked in service or retail before and hadn’t the slightest ideal of how to use one. I’m terrible at math and not keen on new things so it was a little intimidating at first. First I watched then I tried a few times and it will be easy enough once I get to use it. I’ll have to get used to it quickly because bar tending isn’t slow paced work. Oh god, what if I can’t hear people over the band and keep having to say “pardon?” or if I forget which is the premium liquor and which is the house? Maybe I’ll go in early and put sticky notes on everything. Yes, sticky notes will solve everything. 

March 24, 2015: after four years of owning an iPhone, realize I’ve been an idiot

not about owning an iPhone. I love my iPhone dearly and don’t regret a moment of the time we’ve spent together. What I do regret is that I have literally just now, after four years, learned how to save a picture from a webpage. All these years when I’ve wanted to send a funny picture via text to someone I’ve done a screen shot then gone into an editing program to crop out the background.  It turns out there’s a button that lets you view image and then another one that lets you save image!!! The future is now! 

And to the new followers after yesterday’s post: I’ve spent some time wondering what in particular about yesterday’s post made you want to follow. I’ve decided that you are either 

A: passionate about pickles or

B: sugar daddies

Either way, WELCOME! 

March 23, 2015: get my license to serve liquor

okay, we’ll start it at least. A friend asked me to help him serve a party he’s bar tending for on good Friday and I agreed. In order to do this I have to get my license to serve. It cost me $35 and said 3-4 hours. I thought it was an over exaggeration but sadly it’s not. It won’t let me advance to the next screen until they’ve read aloud in that slow well annunciacted voice. Damnnit. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to make more money than the cost of this license and my time. I’ll probably end up with a pocket full of buttons and lint as tips. 

On another note, I think restaurants should be advised to tell you when they change suppliers. Don’t fucking pretend that those pickles are the same, I know you’ve got a new pickle supplier and I think you should be forthright about it. 

And now I must mentally prepare myself to return to work after a 10 day vacation. Where my sugar daddies at? 

March 21, 2015: Learn creole

Im going to volunteer in Haiti at the end of this year and wanted to learn a little creole. The Creole language was created from a combination of French settlers and African slaves. I know French relatively well and thought creole would be easy to pick up.

Obviously there’s a free app for learning creole because there’s an app for everything. It’s going to be a little more challenging than I thought. Some of it is very easy, the Creole words sound almost identical to the French ones but are spelled very differently. It’s as though they just got a bit lazy and dropped some letters in speech and went with phonetic spelling. 

Thank you. Merci. Mesi. 

Then there are other words that are absolutely nothing like French at all. For those ones maybe I’ll make up some picture flash cards: “Where is the bathroom? I like cats. My, what a fabulous hat! “And yes, those are the three phrases I think will be most valuable. 

According to this app I’ve already mastered 10% of it. I am so smart. SMRT. 



March 20, 2015: skip my uncles funeral to go to the ballet

In all fairness I’ve had the tickets for over a month and they were rather expensive. When I phrase it like that it makes me sound like an asshole. If I rephrase it to: my daughter was really excited for the ballet and I think it’s better to support the living than the dead: it sounds better right? 

My uncle was a smart, kind and giving man who I haven’t seen for at least two years. Before that, our interactions had become bi-annual at best. The funeral was out of town and there was no possible way to do both in the same day. I didn’t want to disappoint my daughter who was all set to see her first ballet. She sat on the edge of her seat the entire time looking over at me every five minutes or so to smile. She loved it. I loved it.



Initially I felt badly for choosing the ballet over my mourning family, but my daughter was only a baby the last time she saw my uncle and would surely come to resent my choice. Plus my mother is one of eighteen children so I’ll have plenty of other opportunities to support her. 

I choose my choice. I CHOOSE MY CHOICE! 

March 19, 2015: prune my apples trees…. If you know what I mean….

And by prune my apple trees I mean…. Prune my apple trees.  They hadn’t been pruned since they were planted a couple years ago and they were looking gangly. Early spring before any new growth happens is the best time. Plus I had ordered some new fiskars pruners from Amazon that were begging to be used. 



I’m getting very eager to get gardening and this shitty ass cold drag on winter is making me want to punch someone in the face. 

After the apples I wanted more so I dethorned my lime tree. You’ve pricked your last finger mother fucker!



My science experiment of figuring out how much alcohol I can consume without triggering an anxiety attack is coming along nicely. Two drinks is okay (my version of two is probably a normal person’s four) but five drinks (again my version of five drinks) is too many. Next up is to try four and see how that goes.  Science is fun.