July 28, 2015: colonoscopy prep bitches!

I don’t know why I chose to do this on my vacation instead of taking sick days. Damn my strong work ethic. 

I’d like to say that not eating and taking this shit medicine has been going well, but I’ve had better days. I’ve had one teary breakdown over being hungry and have had to run to the bathroom more times than I can count. I keep sniffing food and asking my children to describe it to me. But I haven’t shit my pants yet so I’ve got that going for me which is nice. I’ve also lost 2 pounds in 8 hours so yeah, you could say things are going pretty well. 

I wonder if some people take this medicine to cleanse their anuses prior to a big night of planned bum sex. Not worth it, just wear a condom. 

July 27, 2015: Get emergency ready AND join the future

It’s that time of the year when you hear lots of stories about dogs being left in hot cars and many people left helpless to save them in time. A year or two ago I found a dog in a hot car and stood by waiting for the owner for a few minutes before I was about to call the police. luckily the owner came out in time (I gave them shit).  It’s nice to think that if we had to we could break a car window but the reality is that with tempered glass, even if you had a hammer it would be extremely difficult to impossible. I like to be prepared so I bought the “reqme” which at $10 for peace of mind is a fair price. It has a blade which can cut through a seatbelt or denim in case of an accident or easily break a car window. Safety first!!!

  
Now, to the future!! For many years I’ve been complaining that tv’s don’t have wifi (apparently some of the new ones do now, but I’m not buying a new tv) I don’t have cable, just Internet and so a tv in my room would be useless without connecting it to my computer. It makes me feel old and uncool to know that in fact these little devices to give your TV wifi have actually existed for years now. True story! Enter my brand new Google Chromecast.

  
It’s cheap and easy which is what I look for in technology and in friends. My only complaint is that it doesn’t like to skirt the law. Although my network is set up to block my IP address and Netflix region hop, Chromecast says “bitch, I’m a law abiding citizen and won’t tolerate your shit.” I’m sure there’s a secret solution to that somewhere, but baby steps right?! 

  

July 26, 2015: Take my kids camping

I’m no stranger camping, I’ve done it my whole life.  My parents didn’t have a lot of money and were very frugal so all of our vacations involved camping.  No Disney World for this girl! I continued on camping with friends into adulthood  up to about 13 years ago when all of my camping equipment was stolen from my condo storage locker.  We never replaced the stolen gear and so my children had never been camping.  This weekend was finally the time when we loaded our tiny car up to the roof and drove on our way.  The kids were very excited about the whole thing and told anyone who would listen that we were going.

Camping is a very intimate experience and you have to really be comfortable with the people you go with.  You will look ugly, you will smell and you will probably fight with your significant other about where the fuck they put the goddamned spoons. When you change out of your bathing suit sand will ping off your sleeping bags and be stuck in places where you didn’t want to wipe yourself in front of someone else. Your sleep will be horrific because you will hear people around you horking up snotty spit balls, the birds will start chirping at 4am and Collin the kid at the campsite next to you will start whining and yelling for his DS at 7am. His dad will get sick of it and not know how to respond so he will yell “Jesus Collin, shut-up”. You will get so fucking annoyed at Collin that you will yell “Shut the fuck up Collin before I make you watch while I smash your DS”  You probably won’t actually say that though, you’ll just lay in your tent silently judging Collin’s dad for allowing Collin to bring a DS camping. You will be covered in mosquito bites and probably catch West Nile virus.

Despite all of that though, camping is pretty great. Between swimming, hikes, sword fighting with sticks and collecting pinecones, my kids behaved very well and seemed to love the whole thing. I might maybe possibly actually take them again sometime.

marsh sky

July 22, 2015: happy one year failed suicide attempt anniversary to me!!!!

i didn’t remember the date but yesterday I started to wonder if it was coming up soon so I looked at my posts from last year and realized it was today. It really upset me and I had a very hard time focussing on work after that. I was worried that today would be hard but thankfully it wasn’t because I was distracted and busy. I should have gotten myself a celebratory cake. The icing could have said “you’re alive, way to go!” or “way to stay out of the crazy hospital for a full year!”. 

There has been a large time gap between the previous paragraph and this one. Starting to write this post is actually very unhelpful for me as it’s making me remember that day again and I don’t want to. I had planned to write more, about progress and positive changes but I just can’t do it. 

I will instead think about how fabulous my new purple hair looks and go watch 30 rock instead. 

July 15, 2015: Go to an endoscopy clinic

Before I get to endoscopy, let’s talk about yesterday when I convinced myself I had cancer and was going to die. Goddamn internet and imaginative brain. I got my blood work results back in less than 24 hours and it came back that my white blood cells were low which has never been an issue for me before.  I made the mistake of googling low white blood cells and of course the list of possible reasons was completely horrifying. Cancer, HIV, Hepatitis C etc. etc. Then I made the really really bad mistake of googling low white blood cells and tingling (tingling legs, feet and hands was the reason I had the blood work done to begin with)  The only damn thing that came back was myeloma, bone cancer.  Well shit, that was the end and I was convinced I was dying. After researching my likelyhood of survival I curled up in my bed and had a fantastic cry intermixed with thoughts about colourful wig options for when I lost my hair.  In hindsight, I might actually be dying, but it is more likely that my low WBC and tingling are two separate issues and absolutely nothing to do with cancer. More often than not my brain does not like to imagine the most simplistic and positive outcome. I have to go back again in a month and repeat the test in hopes that it will fix itself. On the plus side I won a $50 grocery card yesterday so I have that going for me which is nice.

Remember awhile ago when I was watching colonoscopy videos online? http://lazyanxiousgirl.com/2015/04/30/april-30-2015-watch-colonoscopy-videos/  Well, today was the day I met with a doctor for a consult.  I didn’t really know what consult meant, for some reason I thought it might have involved shoving a finger up my ass so I should be prepared.  In the end the only preparation I did was a shower.

Ewok-PREPARE-YOUR-ANUS

A consult does not involve any assplay. It involved him telling me that based on my family history I should have a colonoscopy done and repeatedly saying “Don’t worry, I’ll take very good care of you.”. So yeah, my upcoming vacation will consist of one day spent starving myself and shitting out everything I own followed by heavy sedation and anal penetration with a tube the next day. I’m genuinely worried about the recovery room afterwards.  I don’t do well on drugs. One of two scenarios is possible:

1. I will get very emotional and cry non-stop

or

2. I will try to make drugged up conversations with those around me, possibly call them chocolate starfish chums and try to high five them.

A third vacation day will be spent going to my doctor’s office because I got another message today saying that my blood work showed very low B12.  I’m not sure why I got those results back one day later but regardless, my B12 is low enough that vitamins aren’t enough and I have to go get an injection. #vegetarianproblems.  The plus side of today, I FOUND MY UMBRELLA!!!!! Okay, not my actual one that was stolen, but the exact same online for 1/3 of the price I paid for mine years ago AND I could choose between different colours. I was about to stick with black but in the end I looked at the white one and quickly hit “add to cart”.  I am a wild woman, my adventures know no bounds!

umbrella

July 8, 2015: buy an adult coloring book plus some other shit 

Apparently I write one post a month now. I still wonder whether or not I want to continue with writing this. Part of me is fearful to stop because I don’t want to lose everything that I’ve writen   in the past and the other part of me is simply too unambitious to continue. Several new things have come my way in the last month but my memory has more holes in it than my grandmas afghans. An incomplete list:

Do a charity 10k/6.2mil: let’s get real here, that bitch was a walk not a run so I guess I shouldn’t be too pleased with myself. It was like a music festival in that you had your campsite for the day, there were performances, food and porta-potties. Different from a music festival in that the theme was cancer. 

  
Get a manicure: Hi, I’m a grown ass woman that has never got their nails did. Until a few weeks ago anyway. I spent 6.5 hours at a surprise get together for a friend filled with people I didn’t know. I didn’t freak out and actually had a good time. That’s the real story here. Apparently I don’t like strangers touching me because the spa lady had to tell me to relax. I found it to be downright unpleasant when she filed my nails both back AND forth. It was gross and made me feel dirty inside. They looked great in the end but chipped off days later. Sad face. 

Had my umbrella stolen and possibly overreacted about it: that shit was pretty 

  

I genuinely went through the stages of grief with its theft. At first I was sad, very sad. Then I was in denial and looked everywhere for it. Next came anger, who the fuck steals an umbrella?! I posted on Facebook, put an ad on Craigslist and had friends looking for it. Now I have accepted that it’s gone. I like to imagine that the person who took it was in great need that rainy day and is strutting around being their fabulous theiving self. Several weeks later, I received a reply to the Craigslist ad from a man offering to give me $10 toward the purchase of a new one. He was a hippy and sent me some sort of meditation cult video from YouTube after I declined his money. 

Learn about sex gloves: I recently attended a pride party where I was one of two straight people. A woman there casually mentioned her box of sex gloves in a sentence and everyone just carried on like sex gloves were a regular part of conversations. They all knew what sex gloves were and I had no fucking clue. I had to google it. In case you are as sex glove ignorant as I was here are what they are used for:

  1. A fetish of those who like different textures, they might try leather, vinyl etc.
  2. Something to wear and switch out when going between anus and vagina to avoid infections.
  3. Something to wear and switch when going between different partners. 

I’m not sure what the party goers sex gloves’ primary usage is but I suspect #2.

Bake a pie from scratch: I actually feel quite ashamed that I had never made a pie by myself before. When I was little I used to help my grandma bake the pies for special occasions but for whatever reason I never made them on my own when I grew up…. Except the kind with pre-made shells of course because I don’t count those. I spent an hour on a ladder and picked a shit ton of cherries from my tree. Amongst other things they were made into a cherry pie. It was pretty fucking great. 

  
Buy an adult coloring book: they’ve been around for awhile but they’re pretty fucking trendy right now. That made me not want to buy one but what sold me was the fact that I actually really like coloring and that it’s scientifically proven to ease anxiety. I bought this one and it was delivered today.  

 The pictures and paper quality were better than I expected. It’s pretty awesome. Okay, I made up the scientifically proven part but I would love to participate in that study. Put me in a glass observation cube, yell, poke me, make me drink a king size can of Pepsi and tell me to write an essay on the quantum physics in 10 minutes with my life depending on a passing grade….. Then yell “just kidding! Color that shit out”.

June 4, 2015: truth time, honesty hour, sharing secrets: I like when men cum quickly

Not all the time of course, that would have the potential to develop into a very one sided sexual relationship. Which I suppose would work out well for some people. No judgement. 

No one wants to have sex for hours, that’s bullshit. Sometimes when a man  takes a long time to cum it makes me wonder what’s wrong with me. I feel inadequate and unattractive. Every now and then when a man just can’t hold on, I fucking love it. It’s a huge self-esteem boost and it makes me feel wanted and powerful.  I can have an orgasm whenever I want but self esteem is harder to come by. 

The first time I had that experience was in high school. I was talking to a male friend about the fact that I had never given a BJ and he kindly offered his penis for practice. Practice penis. How chivalrous of him! He came so quickly I wrote about it in my diary. I thought I was the BJ queen. Now we’re Facebook friends and “like” pictures of each other’s children. 

All you quick cumers out there: keep up the good work, you’re doing a good thing!!!