October 6, 2015: wish someone would die

When I put the title like that it makes me recoil a bit at my cruel insensitivity but the more I think about it, the less badly I feel for it.

My grandmother had been in the ER since last night when all us family were called in because we were told this was it. We drove through the night and arrived here at 3am. In the last 28 hours I have slept for half an hour. My grandmother had another stroke, and a seizure and has been unconscious ever since. We removed her from life support about 3 or 4 hours ago and now she’s comfortable on dilaudid. Before last night she had been unhappy. She felt like it was her time to go and she misses my grandfather. She never wanted this. She made it clear she didn’t want machines keeping her alive. She’s just sleeping now. A gross sounding uncomfortable sleep and I just want it to be over for her. Over for everyone. What a horrible thing it is to just wait for someone to die. To sit beside them and hope that they would just die already. 

I’ve sent my sleep deprived family off to my grandmothers house in the country at least an hour and a half away from the hospital to get some sleep. They are all much older than me and need to rest. I hope that she dies while they’re gone. I’d like for me to be the only one to have to see it. Even if it’s not peaceful, I will tell them it was to make them feel okay. 

I’m tired and the bubbling sound of the sterile water bag moisturizing the oxygen sounds like a fish tank. I’m going to put my feet up on these horrible vinyl chairs and pretend it’s a fish tank. Maybe she can hear it and thinks it’s a fish tank. That would be nice. 

September 25, 2015: sex thoughts

This post is not about my thoughts on sex, this post is about the thoughts that come into my head while having sex. Unfortunately for me my brain is overactive all of the time. This is why I have difficulty sleeping and paying attention during long meetings. It is also a factor in why I have a hard time reaching organ.Thanks anxiety! You’re the best!  Well, here are tonight’s highlights:

  1. He’s doing this because he feels guilty about not knowing me well enough to buy the right snacks.
  2. I could crush his skull with my thighs right now. He’d probably stop though so I better not.
  3. I could box his head with my feet like one of those small hanging punching bags. Hehe.
  4. I should have shaved my legs this morning. 
  5. I shouldn’t have had that lemonade before bed. My stomach is making sloshing noises. Shit it’s loud. He doesn’t seem to care. 
  6. Do I have to fart? Maybe the sloshing will mask the sound if one sneaks out.
  7. He doesn’t know I have a melatonin under my tongue. I hope we’re not having sex for so long that I start to fall asleep.
  8. Must block his tongue from my mouth, he might get some melatonin on him and fall asleep. That’s stupid and impossible.
  9. It doesn’t matter how much you spend on a bed, it’s always going to make noise during sex.
  10. It feels like his penis is poking through my stomach. 
  11. Where is my t-shirt? I don’t want to get cum on the carpet. Again.
  12. Fluffy carpets are so ugly but they feel so much nicer.
  13. I should write about this in my blog. *process of recapping and embedding all the above thoughts into my memory begins.
  14. It’s cold in here, we’re going to have to turn the heat on soon.
  15. I’m sloshing again.
  16. (*hair pulling) that’s good.
  17. I’m having a hard time thinking of anything else now. I must really like that since it’s all I can focus on.

And there we have it, the summarized version of what it’s like having sex with anxiety. It’s much like the live version of the show Herman’s Head without the comedy writers and fantastic 90’s theme song. 


September 18, 2015: Meet an astronaut 

Last night I spent two hours listening to an astronaut tell stories of his experiences, tell jokes, sing songs and show the photos he had taken from the international space station. He is one of those natural story tellers that keeps you ccaptivated from start to finish. I can’t remember the last time I was so interested in hearing another person speak.  Part of the speech included a bit about focusing on the now, disconnecting and experiencing life away from social media. I couldn’t help but appreciate that small moment in time when I sat in the exact same venue with the exact same friend as I did 25 years earlier as an elementary schooler hearing another astronaut speak. I was grateful in that moment that I’ve had a friend for that long who is still a part of my life. That’s pretty amazing. 

I learned an incredible amount of information last night. Here are a few highlights:

  • Astronauts wear diapers (made by Johnson and Johnson that have little blue and pink rockets on them) on take off and landing
  • Sputnik means “little voyager” in Russian 
  • Astronauts suffer from osteoporosis as a result of entering space but it reverses itself over time back on earth. Medical science is trying to study how it reverses itself.
  • When an astronaut returns to earth they can’t stand up right away because their heart is unaccustomed and unable to pump blood from their feet to their heart
  • Right after entering orbit an astronaut is likely to vomit. The barf bags have towels attached to them because the vomit bounces off the bottom of the bag and splashes you back in the face. The towels are so you can wipe off your face.
  • There is a guitar that stays on the international space station because it is known that the arts are essential to maintaining positive mental health in a time of isolation
  • The likelihood of death taking off in a spaceship is 1 in 38

Great stuff right? Now throw in some jokes and inspirational pictures and you’ve got yourself a great two hours. Afterwards I met him ever so briefly to sign a book of photography that I will give my father for Christmas. I’m convinced that he jogs. He has done so much with his life and contributes so much to many organizations that I know he jogs. I hate joggers. They’re out there in all sorts of shitty weather at ungodly hours making everyone feel shitty about their life choices. I get it. You jog. You’re better than me. Fuck you joggers.

August 31, 2015: Do some therapeutic writing 

I feel like I should amend my last post. I don’t hate IKEA. IKEA is fine, I have plenty of it in my house. Who’s house doesn’t have an IKEA bookshelf?! I just really didn’t want that chair. Good. I’m glad we’ve cleared the air, let’s move on.

Although sometimes it’s hard to see, my job does have a lot of benefits to it and one of those benefits is the freedom and flexibility to create new groups for the clients with addictions that I serve. Last week I had a meeting with some colleagues to map out a new therapeutic writing group that we’re starting in the fall. We discussed topics for various sessions and one of them had the following leading lines:

Initially the line itself seems rather simplistic and rudimentary. Hurt feelings is typically a term reserved for children, but the reality is hurt feelings happen at any age but the emotional pain seems to increase with age. People will disappoint you, crush your very soul and lead you to question things that you believed to be true. As adults we don’t often get the apology we feel we deserve. The purpose of the exercise is to release the painful memories of something you have been holding onto and to provide closure by explaining your own desired outcome. It’s a rather simple therapeutic process to a complicated problem.

I decided to test out this planned session on myself at lunch. That’s my writing. I knew exactly where I would start but underestimated the emotional investment I would put into the exercise. I fought back tears as I started writing but things got better and I made it through. Completing it was a good indication of some of the emotions that participants will be feeling in the group. To add to the closure piece, I destroyed my work when I was done. The shredder didn’t feel safe enough. Death by burning was my first choice but lighting things on fire is frowned upon in my office. This was its fate: 

Farewell hurt feelings, it’s been real.

Public service announcement: If the photocopier jams with your copies, you need to fix it. If you don’t know how to fix it, ask for help. Walking away is not okay. I will find you and smear my toner stained hands all over your face. #cubiclerage 


August 26, 2015: relationships are hard work and sometimes you just need to fucking let things go

I’ve been hearing a lot about marital breakdowns amongst people I know lately.  I think in this generation, people tend to seperate more often than in our parents generation not because they consider relationships as disposable but because they place a higher value on themselves and their happiness. Life is too short to waste time on people that make you unhappy. With that said, relationships are an investment and you get out of them what you put in. If you don’t water your goddamn grass it’s going to dry up and die. 

A few days ago the 2016 IKEA catalogue arrived in my mailbox. My spouse pointed out the Poang chair as something he found comfortable. I said I didn’t like them and we weren’t getting one. Cut to yesterday when I come home from work to find him assembling said Poang chair in our living room. 

I was pissed. I said no and he purposely went out and bought it knowing I didn’t want it. The made in China shit chair replaced my $800 made in North America chair. I spent my entire evening being angry, partly for the chair that I didn’t want, and partly that it was purchased knowing that I objected to it. I dwelled on it and it made me miserable.

Today I have decided that a chair is a chair. It is not worth getting into an argument about and making me unhappy. I can choose how I react to things and in the grand scheme of life, a chair is unimportant. I need to fucking relax and let it go.  Someday I might even sit in it. Maybe. 


August 16, 2015: find my g-spot. YES YES YES please

Do you remember last year when I bought the we vibe? 


Well I can’t say I’ve given it much love lately. The poor thing had fallen victim to my post consumerism abandonment with a long dead battery and a darkened home in my nightstand drawer. I felt badly for it not being able to fulfill its dreams of being a pleasure powerhouse so I charged it up. I was only thinking of it. I’m a real giver, you’re welcome we vibe. 

Despite my initial lack of success with it being inserted, I wanted to give it another chance. It’s smart, it knows what it’s doing. Fuck, it really knows what it’s doing. After several minutes of steady work I quickly realized that this tiny little miracle robot was about to make me feel things I’ve never felt before. 

I’ve heard of the G-spot before, I’m pretty sure I even tried to poke at it once with my finger (because that’s how it works right?!) The science is still out on whether or not it actually exists (I’d like to become an orgasm scientist when I grow up) but I can proudly say I know it exists. It’s a wonderful place where warm smiles can buy you a hundred unicorns and at least a dozen cupcakes. Rainbows glimmer overhead of moustached men rubbing each other with tanning oil. Yes, this is the most magical comparable I can come up with. 

My vibe was about to take me somewhere incredible. I knew it was happening, I could feel it was different. Deeper, slower, more intense. I couldn’t stay quiet even if I wanted to. The vibe had taken over and I was at its mercy. The sensations were building and unstoppable until my body could take no more. 


I’m thinking of changing my Facebook status to “in a relationship” with we-vibe.

August 14, 2015: go to a yoga rave 

I had planned months ago to attend a yoga rave with a mutually anxiety ridden friend. Basically our plans only ever come to fruition 50% of the time because usually one of us backs out. We have  an understanding that we can back out without the other person being upset. It’s a lovely arrangement although we rarely see each other. I feel like my anxiety is in remission and overall it’s quite under control. I wish I could tell me from 7 years ago that things would get better.

What is a yoga rave you ask? Well it’s a facilitated yoga class held under black lights with the participants wearing glow body paint, glo-sticks and a DJ spinning house music mixes.

As the event grew closer my friend was becoming increasingly anxious about it and in the end was unable to attend because of the stress. That of course gave me an out…. The class was far away and I wouldn’t know anyone. I quite like doing things on my own, dinner, movies, galleries etc. but those are all things that don’t involve making conversation. I go to yoga alone as well but this one would be different. In the end what got me to go was the knowledge that if I didn’t, I would be disappointed in myself. I know me and I didnt want to be on the receiving end of my loathing.

When I got there, the body paint was self-administered so being friendless I painted my own damn self. I then befriended two other single riders at the event. I love engaging in conversations with people and then knowing that you’ll never have to see them again. Ever. It fulfills my joy of human interaction without any kind of comitment. 

I was overzealous with snapping my glo-stick into action and it exploded on me. The glowing green splatters looked incredible until the burning skin pain started. It took significant efforts to remove it and the effected skin turned white. I am pleased to report no lasting skin damage or pain ensued. 

The event was open to all, beginners included. Those poor beginners, fuck it was a tough and sweaty class. It moved a lot faster than a regular class given the DJ and all his unce unce unce beats. 

I spent 80% of the time watching the girl in front of me. Her poses, like her ass were tiiiiight. And dayum those tiny shorts.  Girl your ass is finer than my grandmas China. I digress. Although it might seem insignificant to many, I am proud of myself for going out and having a good time on my own. Plus: asses.