Gold in my drink motha fucka!! Everyone likes to pretend that looks don’t matter but they do. Sometimes I judge books by their covers and sometimes I buy booze based on appearances. Usually booze judging is by the label but this time I was pulled in by the levitating gold flakes. Smirnoff golden apple vodka get in ma belly!!!!
I bought it without any thought for what it should actually be mixed with. The internets had surprisingly few suggestions so I used a little trick I learned in Aruba. Vodka goes with champagne! Shot of vodka, fill the glass with champagne. Look how gorgeous
Today at work a colleague who has worked there at least 10 more years than I have took me aside today and said thank you for some things I said during a meeting yesterday. She said I always say the things she is thinking and wished she had my courage
to say. While it’s not really a big deal, it
kind of is for me. I’m very proud of myself and the progress I’ve made with regards to speaking my mind. I used to be very quiet and withdrawn but despite all my anxiety I have overcome and made a name for myself as someone who speaks their mind.
If I don’t have gold flakes in my shit tomorrow I will be disappointed.
I feel like it is also my responsibility to tell you that when you combine vodka with champagne you will get really loaded really fast. Be careful, in Aruba you might get really hot and decide that you should take off all your clothes and feel up some lesbians by the pool. I’m not saying that this happened to me, but seriously, it happened to me. Be careful of vodka and champagne and naked lesbian cocktails. Godspeed.
And by inner teen I mean I’m drinking Mikes hard lemonade. This drink was very popular circa 1997 when us kids were watching Titanic and getting butterfly tattoos on our backs (don’t judge me) my first sip of mikes tonight made me think id made a huge mistake but now 2/3rds in I think it might not be so bad. I also listened to Sophie b. Hawkins. We love tacos!
Vagina steaming update: remember when I steamed my vagina? Well this round of my Crimson tide has lasted FOREVER! I didn’t fully believe in the power of vagina steaming when it said it does a cleansing of your uterus, but I am now a vuliver! Everytime I think it’s over it’s like “surprise motha fucka!!”
Unrelated but important: I don’t like dogs with carts for their limp back legs. They make me feel sad.
Now to watch the 1988
Christmas classic Scrooged starring Bill Murray for the very first time. True story.
Today was a relatively good day. I broke up the chores I had to do throughout the day with things I wanted to do. I found it didn’t take the exhausting emotional tole it usually does when I spend hours at a time completely things. It’s too bad real life doesn’t work that way, I think I’d be much happier. I think it would be frowned upon at work if I asked for a movie break mid-day in exchange for staying later.
One of my afternoon rewards for chore completion was to watch a documentary called “I am” by director Tom Shadyac. The synopsis without ruining it for anyone is about answering the question “what’s wrong with the world today”. I learned a few interesting facts about animal behavior and about the effects the human heart can have on living things surrounding the body. Quite fascinating really. In the end I found the film to be beautiful and inspirational.
I hadn’t felt much like doing any art at all this past week but after seeing the film I was inspired to whip a little something up. Simplistic but I’m rather pleased with it.
Id like to formally introduce a new type of post. It doesn’t consist of something new that I did today, it is simply thoughts that I’d like to share.
Today I spent a lot of time feeling really shitty. One of the really unfortunate things about depression is that sometimes you feel ambitious and get stuff done, but after a couple of hours you’re exhausted for the entire day. Today I cleaned the stove, did some laundry and cleaned the front hall. That took me a couple of hours in the morning but after that I was done. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or do anything. This is essentially my life in a nutshell. I can accomplish things but then I shut down. During the week my energy goes to work and then I shut down when I get home. On weekends I try to clean a bit, then I shut down. What this means to me is that no one day is better than any other. They all blur together and you’re just trying to make it through. Sometimes I nap just to help the day end sooner. I don’t know why I want to sleep sooner though because the next day is simply the same as the one before. I’m not currently thinking of suicide, but for those with depression it’s not a difficult thing to understand. When your days are filled with sadness and nothing ever changes it doesn’t seem like there is much point In continuing on.
The funny thing is that when I started taking anti-depressants about 8 years ago I wasn’t depressed. I was prescribed them for anxiety. I used to bake and make nice meals, I used to host parities with friends. I used to keep my house clean and go out. I can’t say that anti-depressants caused my depression, I’m sure it must be coincidental but the timelines really do make me wonder sometimes. Now my house is a mess, the thought of social interaction is exhausting and my meals usually involve frozen things in a box.
To make it go away, drugs and alcohol helps. This is of course a terrible long term coping mechanism but sometimes you just want the be happy even for a little while. This is my life, and probably the life of many others:
Now I’m going to drink champagne and watch national lampoons christmas vacation. I will get drunk and be happy.
M cat just pulled a rhinestone off my guess t-shirt and ate it. His shit is going to be fabulous.
Vagina steaming is actually a centuries old herbal remedy which is coming back in popularity. The short version is that you boil fresh herbs and then let them steep into a vagina tea. You expose your vagina to the steam for about half an hour and voila you’re done.
Some of the touted benefits include:
Decreased menstrual cramps
Increased sex drive
Traditionally there are a number of fresh herbs you could use for various results but I chose Rosemary, oregano and basil because ain’t nobody finding wormwood and calendula at Walmart, am I right?!
This is now an available spa treatment that depending on the spa can cost you upwards of $45. I’m doing it at home of course because it cost only what you pay for the herbs. Here are my chosen herbs after 10 minutes of boiling and 5 minutes of steeping. Vagina tea!
It made my house smell really nice. Some people who do this often actually have a specialized plastic chair to use, or if you’re traditional you use a canned chair which allows the steam to penetrate through. People like me use a two handled pot that can fit in the toilet (mine doesn’t touch the water). You can also crouch over the pot but I couldn’t do that for half an hour. If you can crouch over a pot for half an hour, shout out to you because that my friend is a very special talent.
I had to wait more than five minutes before sitting because my vajajay tea was too fucking hot and nobody wants vagina burns. This should go without saying but if you’re pregnant or currently mid ruby soho, don’t do this.
Once you’re sitting you need to wrap a blanket or large towel around you to keep the steam in. Make sure you have everything you need so you don’t have to move. Me? I’ve got a mimosa and my phone for music. Also I may also be writing this while I steam.
I think I can feel steam condensation drips forming on my ass. To maximize my steam intake I’m doing kegels. I haven’t read anywhere that you’re supposed to do this but it just feels right.
I don’t know if any of the benefits are true but I’m pretty sure my vagina smells and tastes like Christmas right now. Mark my words, vagina steams will be to 2015 what asshole bleaching was to 2012.
Conversation I had yesterday:
Me: Tomorrow is Giving Tuesday
Stranger at the bus stop*: What’s Giving Tuesday?
Me: It’s a day where you do something good for humanity, your neighbours, a charity or whatever you can do that’s helpful to someone else.
Stranger at the bust stop: I’d like to give you my penis for Giving Tuesday.
* Names changed to protect privacy
Thus far I’d like to note that I have received no penis.
Last night I had a terrible dream which lasted half a lifetime and although I find it very interesting, as with all dreams, no one really likes to hear about them. The short version is my dream caused me an incredible amount of anxiety and panic and I woke up not feeling rested at all. I spent my morning feeling pretty low and wanting to do nothing but lying around. I was quite successful at being depressed and cuddling with my cat and a soft blanket so you know, there’s that. I had forgotten to take my pills and as of six hours after I should have taken them my body started to go into withdrawal. For those who haven’t experienced withdrawal from an anti-depressant it makes your brain and body feel twitchy. Typically it takes longer than six hours after a missed dose though, Thanks Effexor! By lunch time I dragged myself out of bed and reminded myself that it was giving Tuesday and not taking Tuesday. My bank account is currently in a very sad state of affairs so my giving could not consist of any sort of donation.
I chose to call my grandmother. This probably doesn’t seem like a big thing and I suppose really it isn’t but she lives about five hours away so I see her about twice a year and talk to her about five times a year. I listened very intently when she told me about my aunt stealing all her jewelry and that the neighbours had a key to her house (they don’t) which is why she couldn’t come to visit this Christmas because they would steal her things while she was gone. Then the real problem came out, she said she didn’t want to come because it was her first Christmas since my grandpa died and she didn’t want to depress anyone by crying all the time. She also said that she felt like everyone else had someone but she didn’t anymore and she didn’t want to be a “Fifth Wheel”. I don’t know if I was successful in saying anything that was very helpful but I hope at least I brought her some companionship.
Next Giving Tuesday choice, volunteer to help at my children’s school on Thursday morning with a Christmas fundraiser. I don’t do stuff, I don’t participate so this is kind of a big deal. I’m off the rest of the week though so there will be plenty of time for me to lull about with my soft blanket and cat.
It’s not too late if you haven’t done anything yet. It doesn’t have to be a big something. If you have money, donate it, if you have time, say something nice or do something for someone. If you don’t have any money or any time, you should probably evaluate your life priorities.
Now, please take 6 seconds out of your life to enjoy this little moment of fabulous: