Day 118: don’t rely on anyone else to make you happy

Today was another shitty day and I swore a lot.
Although I know this, I needed a reminder today of the importance of making yourself happy. When you rely on someone else for happiness you leave yourself open for disappointment and sadness. No one should have that kind of power over you. I’m going to need to keep repeating it to myself though because I seem to be a slow learner.
Tonight I was supposed to be at a beginners sewing class making a pillow but I just couldn’t do it. I cancelled.
In the spirit of embracing the positives I will skip over the shitty parts and talk only about the better parts.
1. I looked fabulous
2. At a meeting this afternoon a manager which I don’t really know or particularly like asked me my last name and then told me I was smart and she was going to stick with me.
3. I ate Taco Bell.
4. I’m watching bobs burgers and I plan on falling asleep on the couch

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Day 116: work out outside

There’s a park near my place that has workout equipment that works based on your own body weight that I tried this morning. It was early enough that there was no one around and it was a lovely sunny morning. There were only five machines and because it was based on my weight I had to do quite a few reps but it was a nice change of pace from a usual workout. I suppose if I had jogged there and back it would have been even better but I don’t jog. Even in my dreams when a bad guy is chasing me I can’t seem to run.

I’m writing this from the bathtub so that’s new too. Twofor.

Day 115: BANGS!

Sometimes I make impulsive decisions and today it was to change my hair to this colour

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As luck would have it though the last of the colour required was used by the salon yesterday on someone who called back today and said it was too vibrant. I got my hair cut for the first time in at least eight months. Because I was such a scragglepuss a lot needed to be cut off. Well a lot for me is probably not noticeable at all to anyone else. Since the colour wasn’t going to change I got bangs instead. Easy peasy lemon squeezy, ch ch ch changes.

Day 114: skip something quasi important to do something more enjoyable

This week being back at work has been a struggle. It was nice to hear clients tell me how worried they were but somehow it hasn’t been enough. Usually my cup gets really full knowing the positive impact my work had on people’s lives but right now I feel like I’m just trying to keep my cup from breaking.
Yesterday I did a huge purge and clean of my workspace in hopes for some rejuvenation but I still don’t feel anything. All day today I did what I had to do and nothing more. I felt really down and shitty for no identifiable reason. I know that something needs to change in my work but I don’t know what. While I was off sick I was starting to feel really good but as soon as I got back to work it all disappeared. I feel anxious, I feel depressed, I feel nothing.
Tonight I was supposed to attend a meeting of what I have deemed a tenants revolt. A group of tenants discussing a go forward plan against the property owner of the building for inadequate services and delays in construction. I should have gone but as my day progressed I cared less and less about anything. I sent my regrets. I planned to come home, flop on the couch and eat pizza pops in front of the tv until I fell asleep.
Lucky for me a friend texted me on the way home and so I chose to go out for dinner at my favourite Mexican place with him instead of my couch/pizza pop plan.
I’m not exactly waving Pom poms around but I do feel a little better. Thank you friend.

Day 113: Get rid of some books

Any real book lover knows how hard it is to narrow down their collection.  You think you might want to read that great book again sometime or give that one you couldn’t get through just one more chance. I don’t have all that many books but I could certainly give some away to someone who will get more use of them than me.  I’m going to leave them in the waiting room at my office for people to take so there were a few I have kept for now because it would be inappropriate of me to take them to work *cough* fifty shades of grey series *cough* Today I chose five.

Pretty Boy Floyd:  I bought this book when I travelled to Barrie in high school to meet a friend.  I took this trip while my parents were away so I didn’t have to ask permission.  I remember really enjoying the book however I have no intention of ever reading it again.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: I borrowed the first four books of the series and couldn’t wait to borrow this one so I went out and bought it.  I still have yet to read the last two.  I’m getting rid of this copy because I would really like to own a nice hardcover set of the whole series someday.

The Road:  I wanted to like this book I really did but it was just too descriptive for me and I couldn’t get into it.

You’ve Got to Read This: This is a textbook for an English literature class I took in college and is full of short stories.  While there are many good stories in it, the book is massive and awkward to hold because of it.

A short History of Nearly Everything: I bought this book a few years ago based on a recommendation from someone at work.  I’ve never read it and it is far too sciency for me.  Thanks but no thanks.

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Day 112: Get naked in a public change room

This might seem like a normal thing for someone who grew up playing sports but that person was not me.  I remember as a child going to the public pools and being curious/horrified at all the saggy wrinkly boobs just walking around liked they owned the place. These ladies were getting in the shower and soaping themselves like nobody’s business. They didn’t care at all.  It’s not even like it was brief either, they would walk around and sometimes even dry their hair naked.

I didn’t grow up in a naked house either.  You know the ones where the parents just don’t care and parade around naked in front of the kids.

Today was the day I planned to change in the change room.  It was a big step and I remember thinking to myself “here we go”. I picked a spot close to the door where there was the most traffic, not purposely but that’s the only spot that was left.  I didn’t see anyone else naked at that particular moment so I was going to be the star of this naked girl party. I had to consciously make an effort to seem casual and not rushed or uncomfortable.  I’m worried in my attempts to be casual  I might have actually paused a little longer than I should have. I practically had my leg on the bench and started doing lunges.  It felt like it anyway. I think it went well and I’ll try it again. You are welcome girls!

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Day 111: Watch tv in the bathtub

Today was my first day back to work after being away for the past three weeks. During my walk I kept thinking “I can’t do this, I don’t want to do this” but I somehow kept going.  The first step is always the hardest.  My day wasn’t great, I felt anxious and upset for no particular reason but I stuck it out and was quite productive. I’m hoping that today was just bad because it was adjusting back into a routine. Tomorrow will be better.

I’m now going to fill up the bathtub, indulge in a LUSH bath bomb and bring in my laptop so I can watch Netflix while I soak.  I can’t believe I have never done this before.  This seems like a genius idea.

Day 110: Seriously, what the hell did I do yesterday?

Yesterday was a fabulously glorious summer like day and I was one of the fortunate ones to have it off work. I spent the entire day outside doing yard work , watching the birds build their nests and sipping champagne. 

That’s the new thing I did yesterday.  I got a sunburn in April.  I knew if I just started typing it would come to me. 

My cat is obsessed with going in my garbage can and pulling out used Q-tips. I want to stop him but he has such fun I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer.

This is what happens when I don’t write daily, it ends up being complete shenanigans. *shenanigans*

Day 109: Miss Easter

I’m not proud of this post and in fact it makes me sad to think that it happened.  The day after my grandpa’s funeral I crashed.  It probably happened for a lot of reasons but maybe it was just the first chance I had to not be responsible for anything.  I don’t know if I couldn’t or I wouldn’t but I didn’t get out of bed.  This was the first year that I have missed watching my children get their Easter chocolates and go on their egg hunt.  I can’t believe I missed that. I will never get that moment back. I was only up for a couple of hours that day, I spent it falling in and out of sleep and avoiding everyone.

It is possible that I’m romanticizing Easter a little much though.  Mostly it’s just greedy children fighting over who got more eggs than the other and throwing temper tantrums.  Perhaps my guilt is misguided.

I just thought about Frank.  Frank is scary as fuck.

 

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