September 30, 2014: share my psychic powers with the world

I don’t think I believe in psychics. With that said, I think I’m a little psychic.

I don’t know which of the things I say or do will have any connection to others or the future. I think I just need to hone my talent. Most people probably think that it’s sheer coincidence, but it happens too often to me for it to be coincidence.

Last Friday I brought up three separate thoughts with people which were random to me but had been something they were already thinking about. Friday’s psychicness culminated when I said “imagine the car didn’t start?” And then it didn’t. I was given a disgruntled look as though it was my fault. Sunday for the first time in a couple years I decided to trim the hedges around the fire hydrant on my lawn. This morning at 6am some city workers came around and opened up the hydrant to test it. Things like this happen to me regularly, more regularly than they happen to everyone else I think.

There are a handful of things that I am confident will happen at some point. Some involve me and another involves someone I know. I won’t share these things because I don’t want to be blamed for willing something to happen. I’m also convinced that at some point in life I will be a witness to someone killing themselves in a dramatic fashion (building/bridge/in front of train jump) maybe I just have a fucking weird brain that thinks of so many scenarios that some of them are bound to come true.

Other updates time:
Yesterday my package from photojojo came in (my new phone lenses). The outside of the package had this sticker on it:

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I opened the package and dug around until I found it. It’s possible I was more excited about the dinosaur than the rest.

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I’ve tried two of the lenses so far and they are amazing! They are very tiny though so anyone with man hands might have a hard time maneuvering them.

Remember that : have a new kid by Friday book that I ordered? That came in the mail yesterday too and it was very thin. It’s a companion book to a DVD but doesn’t come with a DVD. And it’s churchy!!!! Those important bits were not advertised. Amazon for shame!!!!!

Maybe if I really was psychic I should have already known that :)

September 27: make your own compost bin

I’ve wanted a compost bin for a long time now but I’ve avoided getting one. My yard is not that big so an above ground compost would be not only be an eyesore but also a smell emitter and a rodent attraction. The full spinning barrel composters solve the rodent and smell problem but they start at $100 for under 50lts.

A post I saw on Pinterest has solved all my problems. Make my own!!!

Step one: buy a metal garbage can. This is harder than you think since we live in a plastic world and many places don’t carry the classics anymore. Save yourself useless trips and call ahead.

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Step two: Get your drill. If like me, you don’t have one go out and buy one. I did no research whatsoever but saw a 50% off sale and couldn’t resist.

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Step three: drill about 30 Holes in the bottom and sides (about 1/3rd of the way up) the holes will allow microbes and worms into your composter. This will speed up the decomposition process. Choose your drill bit carefully.

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If you choose the wrong drill bit like I did, this happens. My bad!

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Next tip: make sure your drill is going the right way. This seems like a simple thing however I was using mine in reverse. The fact that I got this many holes done is more impressive than embarrassing:

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Step four: dig a hole.

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Step five: get yourself a drink, digging a hole is hard work!

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Step six: put your garbage can in the hole. It should be about 1/2 to 2/3rds underground. Burying it ensures it’s below the frost line so it decomposes all winter and keeps it as out of sight as you want it to be. Backfill the hole and put a shallow layer of dirt in the bottom.

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Next you can add some fruit/vegetable scraps. The lid keeps smells and insects at bay. If it starts to smell inside be sure to add a layer of dried leaves or grasses.
Step seven: celebrate your successful work with another drink.

September 23, 2014: Attend a parent council meeting….. drunk

My children are in grade one and three and I have never been to a parent council meeting.  I am not one of those parent’s who makes their own hallowe’en costumes and attends all the school trips. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Over the years however there are certain things that I feel are lacking from the education system now.  When I look back to my own elementary and secondary days the only thing of real life value was reading, writing, basic math and typing. In addition to those things I think it’s essential for my children to learn problem solving skills, survival skills (including gardening, cooking, budgeting etc.) increased outdoor exploration and creative thinking.  I decided if my children are not receiving those things now, nothing will change unless I try to make it change. I had planned on attending tonight’s meeting but when I got home one whiskey turned into two.  My version of two whiskeys might possibly be someone else’s idea of four whiskeys. By the time the meeting rolled around I was on the fence of buzzed/drunk.  Focus, act sober.  You’re the coolest parent here, walk in and be awesome.

I made sure to brush my teeth and perfume up so I didn’t smell of whiskey. The room was all women, all clean cut, cardigan wearing, make you an afternoon snack after school moms. Don’t get me wrong, they are lovely people who are supportive and want the best for their kids, but I have no doubt that I was the only red haired, tattooed pre whiskey meeting mom there.

I’m 90% confident that my tipsiness went un-noticed, especially since the meeting was two hours and soberness increased along the way. I was new so I made sure not to intervene too frequently however I did make a few points along the way which I think were quite well received.  Somehow I have agreed to become a voting member of the group.  Who am I?  I don’t get involved in things!  I don’t participate!  Jesus, what have I done?!

On another note I have decided that I want to plan a photography expedition to Detroit to take pictures of abandoned buildings.  The problem is of course that I need to find an equally enthousiastic friend to participate with me.  Preferably one with automatic locking car doors and good running shoes.

So today another interesting web search attracted a new viewer.  “Fuck grandma pictures”  I have no idea why that one came up, but friend I don’t think this is the site for you.  Also, please consider seeking some counselling.

September 21, 2014: make a fairy house. I fucked up so you don’t have to

I am a big fan of Pinterest even though I know I will probably never do half of
The things I’ve pinned. Lately I’ve been seeing an awful lot of pins about fairy houses and accessories. I’m torn between thinking they are teeny tiny little adorable things and being annoyed at myself for thinking that they are teeny tiny adorable things.

Not wanting to spend any money or read how to make them, I set out yesterday to make one. I found a plastic bottle in my recycle bin and cut
The top off and a little door opening. I wanted to get it done quickly so I fired up my hot glue gun. This I learned was a mistake. Apparently hot glue melts plastic. Who knew? Next I brought out the gorilla glue. The lid was glued closed on my bottle so I dumped it out and planned to apply it with a stick.

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With the stick I though I would avoid any messes. This was a lie. The bottle of gorilla glue says to wear gloves. It’s right, you should wear some damn gloves. My right hand is covered in dirt that stuck to the glue which won’t come off. Now when I rub my finger tips over fabric it feels all catchy and rough. It’s unpleasant. Wear the gloves.
I glued on the rocks and filled sand in the cracks.

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Being impatient I tried to do too much at once and all the rocks slid off. Gorilla glue is strong but doesn’t dry quickly so this project was rather time intensive. I had to do a bit at a time, wait to dry and then move on.
Here it is all done. I stole moss from my front steps and the rocks I used to glue on the house was aquarium gravel.

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It’s happened. I’m one of those people now. I’m one cat and a pair of knitting needles away from being crazy craft lady. I need to make a gnome zombie to cool it up a notch.

To the person who google searched “big dick with herpes” and was directed to my website: I’m sorry, you were probably were disappointed.

College roommates experiment. Sexy time fun.
(Just added that here to attract more viewers)

September 19, 2014: I’ve got the iphone 5s now it’s time to buy it some presents so it feels loved

I love having a camera on me at all times but my beautiful Cannon E0S 60 D with 15mm-200mm lense is just too big.  Whenever I go on vacation I carry it with me always and after a 12 hour day of walking around New York City my shoulder gets hella painful. It’s also awkward to shove in a beach bag (not that it stops me). Now that I have my iphone 5s which has a better camera than my idinophone 4 I’ve decided to step it up a notch.

I’m going to New York City in a month or so and I want this to be my first time without taking my camera.  That’s a big step for me. Sometimes being behind the lense of a camera gives me a false sense of bravery. The last time I went up the Empire state building purposely to take pictures and I wasn’t afraid at all.  I still want to be able to take decent pictures without my camera so I bought my phone a little present today.  A lovely set of iphone 5 lenses including a wide angle, fish eye and zoom.  Obviously the quality will not be the same as my Cannon, but it will be better than my iphone alone. I did some research and read some reviews and decided on the photojojo set. The website alone is enough to give any amateur photography lover multiple orgasms. Here is the set I decided on:

http://photojojo.com/store/awesomeness/iphone-lens-wallet/

My faith in the USPS is rather low after an incident earlier this week but my hope is that ordering 5 weeks in advance of my trip should be sufficient. My instagram is gonna be amahzing!

Do you know what I’d like to know?  I suspect not, but I’d like to know if the moment I hit shuffle on my music if my phone has already decided in advance which order to play all of the songs or if it decides on the next song immediately after playing the previous song.  I think about this a lot and I feel I really need an answer.  Where is Steve Jobs when you need him?  Too soon?

Jesus Christ.  Kids LITERALLY do not ever shut up. Mommy loves you kids, but please shut the fuck up.

September 16, 2014: Work on my possibly sub-par parenting skills

I always thought I was a decent enough parent. Like every parent I wanted my kids to have the things growing up that I didn’t.  For me that meant hugging them and telling them I love them.  That meant ever so occasionally buying them things when it’s not their birthday or Christmas. It meant buying them new clothes instead of used ones. It meant buying them good quality running shoes. Don’t mistake me, I have no problems with buying used clothes but I do have a problem with paying a school friend’s mother for their old clothes that they don’t want anymore. “Why yes, I am sporting Trish’s wardrobe from last year, thank you for noticing”. I also have unpleasant memories of my parents buying me these horrible cheap hard plastic like running shoes which cracked the first time the weather got cold.  I know these are superficial things, but these are things that still stand out in my mind and I don’t want those to be the memories my children have of their childhood.

I haven’t spoiled my children.  They have many toys, movies and electronics, but I say no very often.  Somehow despite my best intentions of raising thoughtful, caring and helpful children my oldest (8) has turned into some kind of pessimistic, self-centered, angry and whinny monster. I don’t know how it happened.  When he was 4 we had our first talk about homelessness and he decided when he grew up he wanted to build houses for the all homeless.  Now at the old age of 8 if I ask him to do anything he doesn’t want to he rolls his eyes and then when I call him on his behaviour he yells “I HATE YOU!” and stomps up to his room and slams his door.  What the fuck?  What the actual fuck has happened?!!! I’m not sure what I’ve done or what I could have done differently.  i genuinely don’t know if he has some kind of mental health issues or is just being an asshole. In a desperate attempt to alter his behaviour I bought a book today called “Have a new kid by Friday: how to change your child’s attitude, behaviour & character in 5 days” . As always I bought it online so I’ll have to wait until it arrives.  Presumably by the title I’m meant to begin on a Monday. I also bought him books geared toward his own age about being kind, materialism and self-esteem.

My second child (6) brought home a letter yesterday from school to notify me that she is being placed in a special reading program (the word “intervention” was actually used).  I know she is behind where my son was at her age. I am now questioning whether or not I spent as much time with her reading as I did with my son and if I have now put her behind all her classmates.  I’m certain that this is my fault and I feel guilty about that.  I bought a shit ton of practice books online for her.  So many in fact that she will probably hate school and learning in general.

I wonder if it is my fault or if every kid is actually just a little fucked up you just don’t really know it.  If every kid could just wear a little sign advertising their deficits it would really make me feel better as a parent. I think this is a good idea. Maybe some signs would say “poops in bushes” or ” scared of mirror monsters”.  Knowing someone else’s kid is more fucked up than yours would be really helpful.

I had two bottles of Pepsi today and it sent me into a Pepsi rage.  Do you know what makes me mad as fuck?  When someone doesn’t want to take on a task and is happy to have someone else do it until they realize that that someone else will be given a reduction in another area to make up for time spent on said task.  Then all of a sudden someone gets pissed off and wants to do that task because they think it’s easier.  I know this makes no sense and is vague as fuck, but just have a Pepsi, rage out and agree with me.

Do you know what else is makes me mad as fuck?  Apple.  Apple and their itunes. Also phone companies.  After carefully monitoring my phone companies price on the iphone5s and waiting for it to drop after the iphone6 announcement, do you know what they did?  They raised the fucking price instead of dropping it!  Jesus fucking christ.  That is bullshit. I called them and after significant negotiation received a reduced rate that i could live with. Bastards. I went in tonight to pick up my beautiful 32 GB space grey iphone5s and assumed they would just transfer all the old phone data. They didn’t but I was advised that it was as easy as just plugging my new phone into my computer.  This was a lie.  A bullshit heap of lies.  itunes is completely fucking stupid and not user friendly at all.  It took at least 3 hours to get it sorted out and included switching back and forth phones numerous times and googling for help.  I had two phones in front of me and was getting texts from different people on each phone. Oh, and think all those texts that you have deleted in the past are gone?  No they fucking well aren’t because the texts on my new phone are all from the winter of 2014.  Anyone want to relive the past?!  Anyone?  Bueller?  Bueller?  Goddamn it apple you are bullshit.  Then when I finally sorted it all out (more or less, 600 of my songs are still missing)  I went to try my new phone and guess what?  It didn’t remember any of my user names or passwords for my apps.  I had to enter them all again!  Jesus, who can remember all that shit.  Well apparently I can but it took me a very long time.  I’m going to start a “suck a giant hairy cock list” and Apple can go right to the top.

I think I should implement a one Pepsi/day limit.