March 4, 2015: Grow vegetables with scraps

A few weeks ago I made a fantastic potato and leek soup. It was fucking fantastic but that is not the point. The point is that after I chopped the roots off my grocery store organic leeks, I put them in a shallow bowl with water.

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As days went by they began to sprout and lean over somewhat alien like with their offside roots. Here they are today looking much like baby leeks:

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I might never buy leeks again!

On another note, I am having a love affair with lemons. God they are so good. They taste good, they smell good. So fucking versatile.

March 1, 2015: im on my way to a full bush!!!

Waxing is painful, expensive and painful. I’ve grown tired of shaving and went a few days without it which resulted in the itchies so bad you’d think I had crabs.

I’m done. I quit. I’m going full fucking bush. I’ve done two straight vertical trim lines on the side so no tufts come creeping out. It’s been so long since I’ve been full bush I don’t remember what it’s like. Do I shampoo and condition it or is soap sufficient? Will it look like I’ve got a hedgehog stuffed down the front of my pants? Will I have to increase my visual inspections of the toilet seat so I don’t become one of “those people”? Will I accidentally start twisting it into little dreads in front of other people? I’ve tried this before but I couldn’t do it. This is it. I’m committing myself. In celebration please enjoy my favourite full bush synonyms.

Fur burger
Magic carpet
Vagitation
Clamaflage
Cunt weasel

February 25, 2015: drink a cup of tea….. And come up with a fantastic health monitoring system

This is not the most interesting part of this post but it’s essential none the less. Is nonetheless one word? Yes, autocorrect says it is. That’s a bit ridiculous, that’s just three wordssmushedtogether. No hot drinks. That’s me. I don’t like hot drinks. I’ve wanted to, I’ve tried to but I never have. Today was my first full cup of green tea. It was made drinkable with a slice of lemon and local organic dark honey. It was actually quite good. Maybe it’s because I’m still sick.

Now on to my health monitoring system idea. It’s quite gross actually but highly effective…. I think. Probably not. Since I have been sick for almost a week now my poo has been quite variable in colour and firmness. I’m sure it’s an indication of my current health but it keeps changing. Why is that? I don’t know, but if it ever came to it, wouldn’t a health professional really appreciate a graph? A poo graph. Makes sense so far right? Now here is the gross but Integral piece, the daily charting (perhaps in bar graph style) uses poo. Given that consistency of poo varies there would need to be some kind of a tool used because no one is going to want to just pick it up and smear it on. Also people might feel intimidated walking into the dr’s office with a large presentation board poo bar graph. I do understand that it sounds foul but I think it has merit. Just a few minor details to be worked through.

I’ve also had a fantastic idea about an art exhibit. It’s so awesome that I legitimately don’t want to say what it is in case someone steals my idea. I will tell you that I require penis volunteer(s) and enhanced sewing skills. Check back periodically this year for the grand online exhibit unveiling…. Should I acquire the penis and the sewing that is.

February 23, 2015: masterbate with Vick’s vaporub

I didn’t mean to, it was an accident.

I’ve been sick for several days now and the coughing at night makes it hard to sleep so I’ve been rubbing Vick’s on my chest. Imagine me seductively sliding my hands all over my breasts until they’re shiny and smooth. Now imagine the complete opposite of that. Phlegm coughs and a red nose, that’s what it’s really like.

I washed my hands, I even used soap. But apparently I didn’t use enough. I climbed into bed feeling sexy as shit and decided I needed a sleep aid in the form of self pleasure. At first I thought my hand was just really cold, but then it was minty. It was minty magic. It was fresh, it was fun. Vick and I had a damned good time together.

I rubbed some in my eye by accident. That felt pretty good too. Minty eye. Fuck, what a fantastic night.

TIL eyeballs and clitorises are very permeable.

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February 22, 2015: write a letter to my mother

This sounds like something the average person would have done at some point in their life, but I haven’t.

I was watching an episode of House a few days ago and it was the one where a single mother had been diagnosed with schizophrenia and her young teenage son was caring for her. I didn’t want to cry during the episode but I did. I cried because I remembered what it was like when my mother’s schizophrenia symptoms where emerging and when I behaved in the exact opposite way as this boy did. I felt guilty. The whole thing reminded me of what a terrible daughter I had been for not being supportive, not understanding and not being helpful. Tired of being woken up in the middle of the night to escape those people in her mind that were chasing us, I started sleeping over at my boyfriends house. My dad would call me a whore as I left. I don’t blame him, I’m not a victim of anything. We all want situations to go as we plan and when they don’t we can feel helpless. Sometimes that frustration makes people say things that are hurtful.

I needed a way to stop feeling guilty and spending these last few days thinking about the past. I can’t change it, I can only learn from my mistakes and move forward. I wrote my mom a letter. I said all the things I needed to say in that letter. When I was finished, I burned it. She doesn’t need to see it. She doesn’t like to talk about those years and I’m not entirely convinced she even fully remembers them.

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I hope that this will bring me some peace.

It’s been a full week since I last wrote. I’m not sure why I waited so long. It might be because I’ve been using this blog as an outlet and since being off my anti-depressants I’ve been feeling well and the need for that outlet is diminishing. Or maybe I’ve just been too busy doing normal people things like making fabulous meals and cleaning the house. Two things I hadn’t been doing for a very long time. This past week did bring plenty of anxiety and a few PRN pills my way though. Apparently that little problem didn’t magically disappear.

I’m not an active practicer of religion but I have always loved this prayer and always find some comfort in it.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Fucking great line.

February 16, 2015: Go to the beach in the winter

And I don’t mean go somewhere around the equator on vacation because ain’t nobody got money fo’ dat. Okay, that’s not true. Lots of people have money for that but I am not one of those people.  I don’t know how it is that in all of my thirty something years of life I haven’t been to the beach in the winter.  With such a large lake I wasn’t expecting that it would be frozen but I thought maybe there would be little ice bits floating or some crunchy ice at the edge that I could step on with my boots for a very satisfying sound. I was not expecting that the beach would be completely remade by the elements and would now consist of 20 foot high ice dunes.

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Some of it even looked like another planet covered in ice balls.

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There was no getting near the water’s edge at all because ice cliffs had formed.

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Now that I look at this one with the grasses I can almost pretend that is sand and not snow. Winter you’re pretty and all but fuck, you’re a cold hearted bitch.grasses

February 14, 2015: Get growing! How to start a vegetable garden from seeds.

I watched Noah last night with Rusel Crowe and Hermione Granger (sorry love, I don’t know your real name). I’m usually quite content watching most movies but this one was terrible and just a little fucked up.  A lot of inceste must have been happening in the Adam and Eve and Noah replenishing the earth days. Also, don’t stab babies.  Not cool Noah.

I’ve only had two vegetable gardens, both in the last two years.  Aside from beans which everyone knows are the easiest things ever to grow, I’ve never grown any of my vegetables from seed.  I’ve decided that this is my year!  I wanted to grow heirloom vegetables (mostly organic) instead of the genetically modified ones I’ve been getting from garden centres.  I ordered my seeds about a month or so from http://www.seedsavers.org/ and they arrived very quickly.

I’ve arranged them all with the bottom row including the ones that don’t need to be started indoors early, they can be sown directly outside in the spring.

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I’ve since learned that lettuce also belongs on that bottom row, no pre-sowing necessary. This is my dirty craft table.  Its quite large and usually folded up in a closet when I’m not using it but it will now be living in my family room for the next three months.  Here is my cat being a dick:

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I needed to determine which seeds to start when so I googled my last frost date. Mine is April 30th. Next on the back of each seed package it lists how many weeks before the last frost date you need to plant them. Using a calendar I counted backwards and figured out each plant date.

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Looks like I’m only doing celery for now. Normally to speed up the germination process you should soak the seeds in water before planting but celery seeds are tiny so that wasn’t happening.

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To start my seeds I wanted to spend no money whatsoever and also use something that I could plant directly in the ground and have decompose.  My solution was toilet paper rolls.  I would have preferred to use unbleached ones but I didn’t have any. I don’t know why toilet paper companies feel the need to bleach the cardboard at all to make the rolls. White rolls does not make my ass feel any more luxurious.

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Toilet rolls are round which makes it a bit tricky to close up the bottoms so you want to fold and crease them in half, then in half again the opposite way to make them a little bit more square.

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That’ll do. Next you need to cut a one inch or so slit on each of the four fold lines on the bottom. Like dis:

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Fold each flap down until the bottom is covered up like a box.

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For now until the shape stays put, I had to add a smidge of tape to the bottom which of course needs to be removed before planting in the spring.  When you fill them with soil it needs to be moist. I did a spool full or two then a light spray of water until it was full.  For those who roll their own smokables, you want to fill the roll kind of like you would for a smokable.  You don’t want to just fill it up all loosey goosey, you want to gently compact it a little as you go. Once I was all done I put them on a plastic lid to catch any water or soil that might make a mess along the way.

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As you can see, it’s not ideal.  They were a bit wobbly.  Next idea, I made a tinfoil base for them instead which kept them a little more supported.

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It’s not pretty, but that’s okay, it will work.  At least I think it will work.  It had better goddamn work. I put a clear container over top to create a mini-greenhouse.  This will keep moisture and heat inside and my dick of a cat outside.

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The extra celery seeds (of which there were many) are now sealed in a plastic bag and will still be good again next year.

It’s pretty fucking amazing how much shit I am getting done now that I’m off my anti-depressants.  I’m cleaning, making things and being generally quite pleasant.  I’m pretty sure I’ll be taking over the world soon.