November 30, 2014: Medieval Times dinner and tournament bitches

For those unfamiliar, Medieval times is an arena venue where you are entertained with actors/horses in period costumes and served meals by your wench (ours had a very low cut top and massive breasts) It’s been around for as long as I can remember but the $100/ticket price has been a deterrent for me. My dad invited us to go and bought the tickets. There are cheaper tickets I’m sure but he bought us front and center which as a grown ass person watching knights sword fighting, I have to say was pretty awesome.

If you’re an introvert, this is not the place for you. Audience cheering and participation is strongly encouraged.

Parents prepare yourselves and coach your kids in advance because there is a literal shit ton of merch that kids will beg you for. Be strong. Tell them to shut the fuck up and get a job.

The vegetarian meal was actually really good and unlike the meat option we were given a spoon. My daughter watched in polite disgust as my father picked up what I believe was no less than half a chicken in his hands.

Part way through I started to think about the horses and hoped that they spent their days happily on a farm and then came to the city for their nightly performance. Yes, I’m sure thats true. Then I was thinking about the actors. Imagine that being your job? You’re at a party mingling with a glass of wine.
“so, what do you do?”
“I’m the mother fucking red knight at medieval times.”

I got as much pleasure watching my kids as watching the show. They went from big smiles with wide eyes to peeking through their fingers at the exciting bits. The two hours seemed to go by quickly.

I don’t want to make you jealous but my knight tossed me a favour he won from the princess. I can’t catch a football but I can catch a flower from a man on horseback.




November 18, 2014: ch ch ch chia

In case you haven’t noticed yet it’s Christmas out there. I think it started November 12th. Neighbours are putting up their decorations, stores are pumping up their stock and I even heard a Christmas song on the radio. I don’t have cable but I imagine the commercials are rampant. Depending on where you live its snowy and cold as Fuuuuuuuck. Postal outlets are delivering on Sundays now to keep up with holiday demand (I know this first hand because last week I had deliveries arriving almost everyday) Tis the season!!!!

I like to get my crafty on and make gifts on occasion. Today And yesterday I spent a significant amount of time painting. If you’re not crafty you should consider browsing etsy for some unique and awesome gifts. I made a list of some of my favourite etsy shops today….. I’d share it with you but I don’t know how.

While out shovel shopping today (remember it’s snowy and cold as fuck) I found a whole shelf of chia pets. Anyone who grew up in the 80s/90s is probably singing the commercial jingle right now: ch ch ch chia. If you’re too young to remember I suggest you YouTube it. While you’re at it, you might as well check out the old zoodles commercial too because it’s also awesome, although completely unrelated. I have wanted a chia pet for the past twenty years. Twenty years!!!!!! It’s not the kind of thing you can buy for yourself so I’ve never bought one. I wonder if someone else I know has also wanted one for the past twenty years and I have left their Christmas dream unfulfilled. Today I bought two. While shovel shopping I saw them and immediately realized they were perfect. Here they are:


You’re probably rolling your eyes or thinking lame, but no, they’re perfect.
Duck Dynasty chia: for my uncle.
He has a habit of giving peculiar/unique/ foul gifts. Two of the classics I’ve received over the years include an antique bedpan crafted into a giant candle and a coat rack with the hooks made from bent deer legs (yes real ones) he’s the kind of person who wraps your gift in duct tape. He also bears a striking resemblance to the duck dynasty men and is a faithful watcher of the show. Perfect.

Chia gnome: grandma.
My grandmother loves garden gnomes, she has a very large country lot with many gnomes set in various scenes. She prides herself on her garden although over the years her health has been poor so my grandpa did the gardening for her. Since he passed away earlier this year, she has a hard time enjoying her garden and her gnomes. Enter chia gnome. Perfect.

Ch ch ch chia.

November 15, 2014: Make and savour a salty Chihuahua (or two)

A salty Chihuahua is a drink in case you were uncertain. Another beautiful Pinterest find (I go by lazyanxiousgirl on Pinterest as well for those who would like to see my awesomeness in another forum)

Step 1: make sure it is past noon. Check.
Step 2: use a fresh lime to moisten your glass rim.
Step 3: put some salt (I prefer chunky freshly milled sea salt) in the bottom of a small bowl and salt your glass rim. Salt it good.
Step 4: pour yourself a generous about of tequila in your glass. I’m not rich so no Patron for this girl, gold Jose Cuervo all the way.
Step 5: top off the rest of the glass with lemonade.
Step 6: it’s Saturday, have some fun and put a fucking straw in that bitch.

Step 7: savour (mmmmm so good) some of you might want it on ice, personally I don’t like anything that waters down my drink in there, but you’re your own person so do what you like.
Step 8: repeat.

I haven’t actually made it to step 8 yet, I’m on step 7. I probably will do step 8 a few times so I’ll come back to update more later.

2:18pm, two Chihuahuas in. I’ve painted a snail. I’m pretty into snails right now.


4:15: because you can’t stay away from social media when intoxicated: reconnect with a high school fiend/potential boyfriend. (I don’t mean current potential boyfriend FYI)Talk about the mixed tape you made him.

8:10: I watched “the graduate”. Are you going to Scarborough fair
Sounds an awful lot like a recipe. Also
The whole movie is complete shit until Dustin Hoffman start swinging around that cross. No more chihuahuas for me!
You don’t even want to know how much I have bitten the inside of my cheeks tonight.

Update: past midnight: tequila is NOT a good Saturday afternoon drink!!!!!

November 12, 2014: transform that booze into a trip

Yeah so, I signed up for Air Miles but I couldn’t put that in the title now could I? Let’s be honest, ain’t nobody got time to read about that. Nor do I want to write about it.

I’m sure everyone had their calendars marked so this should come as no surprise….. Today was the day the nectarine seeds (see August 12, 2014 post) were awoken from hibernation. They came out of the container a little more moist than I had expected. I planted them in a pot at work. It was the pot of a murdered peace Lilly. There is a chance it wasn’t pre-meditated, it might have been more like plantslaughter. I’ve given up on the half assed investigation I had launched so I guess we may never know.

Some of the sea monkeys have hatched (see November 7, 2014) but they re still very tiny so I have a hard time even finding them (that’s what she said)

Yesterday I ruined the Veterans Day/remembrance day moment of silence at work. I was oblivious to it all and was loudly speaking to a client on the phone. When I got off the phone I saw my supervisor standing up so I asked her what she was doing. She hand motion shushed me but instead of shushing I said “what’s happening? What’s going on?” The director who was present was kind enough to fill me in. Classic me.

Work has been a sonofbitch this week. Yesterday I went five brownies deep. I didn’t do a porno, I ate five brownies. This evening I used my key pass to try and get into my house. I’m excited to see what tomorrow will bring. Not really. Suck a hairy cock IBM.

November 10, 2014: read a memoir:

Today around mid-day I started
Feeling pretty shitty. I felt un-motivated and sad. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I thought maybe I’d be happier if I had a different job, had made different choices or lived a different life. I sat still for awhile and thought about the end of the day when I would go home and hide under my blankets to cry. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I didn’t want to give in to those feelings. I’m tired of feeling sad and having feelings I don’t want tell me what to do and how to act. I fully acknowledge that this is going to sound incredibly ridiculous but I remembered that episode of Lost I watched last week when Jack was explaining how he was able to operate as a doctor when he was scared. He said that he allowed the fear to take over for 5 seconds. He would count, and at the end of that 5 seconds he told himself he couldn’t be afraid anymore and moved on. In my head I told myself that I’d had enough. Depression was done for today. I put on my imaginary boxing gloves and I speed bagged the shit out of depression’s ball sack. I put on some Taylor Swift (don’t judge, you do what you’ve gotta do), danced at my desk and got some shit done. I’m not suggesting that this will always work but today it did and I’m pretty damn proud of myself for being able to do it.

When I got home there was a package from Amazon waiting for me. Amy Poehler’s book “yes please”. I’ve never felt compelled to read a memoir before but this one looks like it would be for me. I’m confident her and I would be friends in real life. Amy, Tina Fey and I. They’d be the funny ones…. I’d be the sad one that occasionally giggles at them from under her blanket fort hideaway.

I’ve read quite a bit of the bible in my younger years. Does that count as a memoir? Fuck it, let’s say no and that Amy is my first. Amy and I are going to bed together now. Please do not disturb.

November 9, 2014: Learn some ballet basics

I woke up this morning with shaky hands that lasted for a couple of hours.  I looked up some of the potential causes online and decided it was either stress/anxiety or alcohol withdrawal. The only way I could test the alcohol withdrawal theory was to try some alcohol to see if it stopped, then I thought that that sounded like an idea that a person addicted to alcohol would have so I skipped it. This weekend has been a giant ball of anxiety that has required three lorazepams. After just returning home from a family visit that my children misbehaved for followed by a weekend visit to Costco I feel like I really need another one.  Instead I’m choosing to relax by writing this beside the fireplace while listening to my Buddy Holly vinyl.  I long for peace and quiet but when you live with others, especially children, this is hard to come by. I tried to lie on the couch earlier so I could be peaceful in mind and body but every time I heard a dish in the kitchen it sounded like a bull running through a china shop.  Every step in the hallway, a herd of elephants and then there was the dog puking up some sort of foam on the carpet beside me. If it wasn’t getting so cold outside, I’d consider spending some time in the backyard alone in a tent. The parts I miss most about my apartment was that it was always clean because I only had myself to clean up after, and the solitude, oh the solitude.

My son plays hockey four times a week and my daughter skating and ballet each once/week.  I don’t know how this has happened, in my opinion it’s all just too much. What my kids really need is bootcamp to learn some damn manners. While I only know the basics about hockey, I know enough to understand what my son is talking about or how to give feedback after a game but ballet on the other hand I know little about.  She started when she was 1.5 years old and for the first couple of years we were allowed to watch from inside the class which of course at that age is really just a bunch of kids skipping in circles and waving ribbons around. Now that she has just turned six things are getting a little more serious for her. There will be exams this year and she is expected to be practicing at home daily. We’ve bought her a barre and mirror for her room which still needs to be installed and the teacher has my memory stick to download the songs from the syllabus. My knowledge doesn’t extend past First Position and Tondue so it was time to learn a little. Thankfully the internet was there to save the day again, youtube specifically. I’m confortable with anything up to Fifth Position now but after that I think I’m out.  I’ll just tell her she looks pretty.

Is it cold in here?  Am I getting sick?  It’s probably that damn flu shot.  Motherfucker.

November 7, 2014: buy some motherfucking sea-monkeys!!

I really love aquariums a lot. I find them incredibly relaxing and enjoyable to watch as everything goes about with their little aquatic lives in their little aquatic world. I especially love cichlids and fat goldfish, they’re so friendly and curious. Alas aquariums are high maintenance and so I don’t have one.

I expect my sea-monkeys aka brine shrimp won’t be nearly as entertaining to watch but their low maintenance makes up for it. Here it is, freshly shipped from Amazon.


Fool proof directions:


There’s an executive sea-monkey kit?!! Dammit!!!


I’ve decided they will live on the right side of my desk as it is the most “natural”.


I have a few unanswered questions about these little fellows like what if they breed so much that I have to get a second tank? Will my desk end up covered in tanks? How long do they live? How do I clean their little home? Or will they all be dead before I have to clean it? I’ll find out I guess.

I’ve realized that I haven’t watched tv all week so tonight I’m excited to have some whisky (I have recently learned that whisky is not spelled “whiskey”) and watch Game of Thrones. I’m incredibly behind and will start season three tonight. Winter is coming bitches.