September 1, 2014: An average girl’s thoughts on porn and general sex tips

This morning I was grumpy as fuck. I don’t know why, i just was. Apparently I thought watching porn in the morning would be a good way to pick up my mood.  I think it worked. As I was watching (alone) I wondered if there are some people out there who see porn and think that they’re actually getting valuable sex tips. I wanted to clarify things for those people. If you’re under 18, you should stop reading. 

For those who don’t like to use toys or outfits in your sex life, you should try watching porn.  At the very least it opens up the conversation about what you do and don’t like, if you’re too nervous to bring it up otherwise.  Girl on girl porn is fantastic, but try to include a cock every now and then.

1. Pussy to ass but never back again.  No matter tongue, finger or dick you can go pussy to ass but not the other way around.  If you do, your girl will get an infection faster than you can say steponmyballsooohbabyilikeit. This rule does not apply in the shower if soap is readily available.

2.  Just because you can get into a crazy position doesn’t mean you should. There is nothing sexy about an acrobatic spider.

3. From behind is fun but you’re not going to make her cum. Get back there, take charge.  Slap her ass, she’ll like it but unless you’re doing a reach around you won’t make her cum.  If she yells out “I’m cumming!”  enjoy it, but know it’s a lie. 

4. Sex in the shower is bullshit. Water is the opposite of a lubricant and positioning is awkward. Shower foreplay is great but take it to the bedroom. Get those sheets wet, it will be worth it. 

5. If she’s a strong minded decision maker in real life she probably wants to be dominated in the bedroom. Don’t have any toys?  Ties, scarves and belts are a hot start. 

6. If you’re going to try anal sex, wear a condom.  Oh and use some lube. Just do it. 

7. Men, wish you had a giant porn star dick? Don’t.  Giant dicks get an amazing blow job on the tip, the rest is just getting sloppily shoved down her throat with no suction and she’s just trying not to gag. 

8.  Men, think you’re good at oral sex?  You probably aren’t. More than likely she is faking. A faker doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you, or isn’t having a good time of course, but wouldn’t you rather make her cum for real?  This is a long read but I guarantee it is worth every moment you spend reading and practicing.  She will tell her friends of your greatness. https://worldtracker.org/media/library/Health/Sex/SheComesFirst.pdf

9. Think manscaping is just for porn stars?  It’s not. If you’re not going to shave, please trim. She’s doing it and so should you. The full bush is out. 

10.  Women get hot from watching you touch yourself.  Everyone knows that guys love to watch a girl masturbate, but the reverse is also true.  It will give her some tips on how you like to be touched and she won’t be able to resist getting involved. 

11. Talk dirty. Every girl wants a gentlemen in real life but a dominating dirty talking man in the bed is hot as fuck. Tell her what you want to do to her.  Swear. Pull her hair. Choke her a bit (shit, maybe don’t do that unless you really know that’s what she likes) I’ve said too much.

Go forth and be sexy as fuck. 

August 31, 2014: Try a natural anti-depressant

Back on March 30th (Day 87) I tried yogurt for the first time. I tried it because I had read that probiotics were helpful in treating depression and anxiety.  Unfortunately I hate yogurt so that treatment didn’t work for me. Since then I have seen several more articles in the news about scientists connecting gut bacteria with a person’s mood and mental health. Reading people’s success stories and seeing increased publicity for the research makes it hard for me to question the validity and has encouraged me to try again. There is absolutely no way I can eat yogurt so I went to a pharmacist to ask if I could get probiotics in a pill format.  She actually laughed at me when I was talking about the connection between probiotics and depression and anxiety and told me that they don’t sell probiotics in pill format. Rather than feeling insulted at being laughed at I questioned he motivation for that response.  As a pharmacist her job is to make people better with drugs.  The thought of someone getting better without drugs is probably incomprehensible and possibly even intimidating. Pharmaceuticals are big business for many people after all. 

As it turns out if I had looked myself instead of asking I would have seen that they do actually sell probiotics in a pill format just 30 feet away from the pharmacy counter.  I should have grabbed a big handfull of bottles and yelled “suck it bitch!”. 

The pills themselves are quite large and I’m hopeful that I will notice a difference. 

In other depression news I read an article today about a new anti-depressant that is not yet available for all in the market.  It sounds very promising and also gives an accurate glimpse into what depression feels like for those who don’t experience or understand it.

http://www.vice.com/en_ca/read/vortioxetine-depression-drug-alex-horne-194

August 30, 2014: make some Beatles inspired art

I love when i don’t plan to make art, it just happens. Today I just decided to start making some galaxy art but I quickly changed it to some under water scenes. It ended up being a Beatles “yellow submarine” piece. I have several ideas for more pieces, I am the walrus and strawberry fields specifically but the possibilities are endless.
Until they are finished I will enjoy looking at my giant yellow submarine, the cost of a frame for this will bankrupt me.

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August 29, 2014: ride the Spanish aero car over the Niagara river

I’ve been to Niagara Falls before but in my travels I’ve never been on the aero car that is suspended 255 feet in the air and runs over the whirlpool that is down river from the falls. The truth is I’ve actually always been quite scared of the idea. Even though to my knowledge there have never been any accidents it’s just never seemed very safe. After all it was built in 1916. Here is the car at the far end of the cable. You can thank my idinophone4 for the not so great pics.

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Faithful readers will recall that I am terrified of flying but I wasn’t nervous to ride this at all.

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Maybe I wasn’t scared because I thought that if the cable was to break I still had a chance at survival. This leads me to believe that I’m not actually afraid of heights, I’m afraid of death.

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It was quite impressive and beautiful, plus I didn’t die so it was a trifecta of awesome.

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August 28, 2014: visit an organic historical garden

If you’ve begun reading this after what I deem to be a very dull subject line, thank you and well done.

Today I went on a tour of a very large garden created to be historically accurate to around 1850. The purpose of the tour was to gain some knowledge about heirloom local plants to better inform our community rooftop garden for next years season. We were extremely fortunate that our historic interpreter for the tour just so happens to be the lead on several well known community gardens in the city so I was able to gain a valuable networking opportunity.

The garden was absolutely beautiful and made me wish I had a much larger piece of land around my house. Oh the things I would do! Despite my
Thought that I am slightly more horticulturally savvy than the average person I learned a lot of new things. Here are some lovely gardens pics

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Unfortunately one of my clients arrived for the tour under the influence and did a hard leaning stumble to the right followed by a hard leaning stumble to the left and in a horrific slow motion straight bodied fall landed right on top of an organic heirloom patch of cabbage. Aside from that, great tour.

August 25, 2014: leave a Facebook group I enjoy

Today was my first day back to work since my trip to crazy town last month. I had terrifying dreams last night, began my morning with an Ativan to calm me down and ended my workday with a glass of wine.

The day itself wasn’t particularly bad really, but for me who likes being organized, being off work is almost as bad as being at work because you miss out on so much. Countless emails and pending appointments, groups and events. I dislike not feeling in control and knowledgeable. I also realized today that I had zero interest in speaking with my clients which is rather a pity since it’s my job and all. I should really look into that career of hugging farm animals. Professional hugger. That could be me. Think of all the plaid button up shirts I could buy.

My return home from work brought dishes, a back to school shoe shopping trip to the mall and a shave of my sons head in efforts to eliminate what I believe to be lice. Once that was sorted I hopped on my Facebook and saw a feed filled with depressed imgurians seeking support. I love browsing imgur and had been enjoying a group of 4,000ish like minded people until the groups became about 50% funny and 50% severely depressed and suicidal members seeking support. One might think Id be a bit more sympathetic to such things and I am but the truth is it’s exhausting. Caring is hard and tiring work and I’m exhausted enough already. Everything I do is exhausting and sometimes you have to look out for yourself. And so I chose to leave a group of nice people that needed help because I’m just too tired to help.

My only saving grace for the evening was the three episodes of the inbetweeners I watched. That show can make me laugh more than anything else right now. North American tv should really learn from the English. They are fucking funny. Bollocks. Wanker. Piss.

August 24, 2014: Visit a Donkey Sanctuary

i had no idea that there were so many donkeys that were in need of sanctuary but apparently there are. People purchase donkeys as guard animals (who knew?!) for their property and when the donkeys fail to guard the properties as expected they are physically abused.  Plus some people are just assholes and abuse their animals regardless of what they were intended for. There are a small number of donkeys that were not abused but were submitted to the sanctuary because their owners could no longer care for the. 

The greeter:

donkey nose

 

Most of the donkeys were very friendly, but some were still shy and not trusting of humans even years after they had been taken out of their abusive homes. 

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Since you can’t see my face, here are a couple of me and my donkey besties….

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They had some mules too (half horse/half donkey). Once you go black………..

once you go black.....

I’ve decided I want to live on a farm and spend my days hugging animals.