November 25, 2014: commit yourself, to yourself

Last night I had a shitty night. I didn’t want to do anything and retreated up to my room before dinner. I hate being depressed, I really do. While isolating myself I did a lot of thinking about how I can work a little harder at avoiding feeling depressed. I came up with the following self-suggestions:

1. Stop treating your body like a garbage dump. Work has been a shit show and I have rationalized the horrible food that I’ve eaten as some sort of reward for my work stress. The reality that I know is that mental health and physical health are related, so I have pledged to myself to cut down on the shit. This morning aside from my usual crazy pills I also took B12 and probiotics. I also avoided the donuts at work.
2. Do something for yourself. I have come to realize that my life currently revolves around the activities of everyone else in my household. I don’t do any of my own activities. I know that after yoga I always feel great yet I haven’t been in probably 8 months. To that I officially dub Friday as my night. I do yoga and now everyone else will have to work around MY schedule.
3. Remember that you cannot control the actions of other people. As a person who likes to be in control (except in the bedroom where I like to be dominated…TMI?) I have a hard time accepting when people don’t act the way I think they should. I need to remember that no matter what I say or how I feel I cannot control how others act or treat me. That is their choice and I need to let it go. They have the right to react and respond as they see fit.

I’m certain that there were actually more points but given work’s shittiness I seem to have lost my memory, ability to make decisions and sanity as a whole.

For those who like follow ups: until today I’ve only had one sea monkey. He’s gotten quite big and I’ve called him Francois. He’s actually become quite entertaining and I’ve enjoyed watching him more than I ever thought I would. He brings me some peace and relaxation at work. I’ve felt badly for him being lonely but as of today I’m pleased to say that he has two newly hatched siblings.

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This evening after work was me time. I went to an art gallery to see a cezanne exhibit. It was late and the gallery was quiet. In fact I only saw employees. I love the sound of an empty art gallery, it sounds like you can hear a powerful windstorm that is miles away. The exhibit was gorgeous but In order to avoid breaking all kinds of copyright laws I will show you only this one from the entrance.

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It’s beautiful in its own right. After the gallery was dinner with a friend at my favourite Mexican place. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have any margaritas. It just seems rude and maybe even racist to not have margaritas at a Mexican restaurant. Nobody likes a racist.

November 23, 2014: use alcohol to calm anxiety

This wasn’t my first choice. My first choice after meditation was a lorazepam. Four hours later when I still felt anxious for no particular reason I took another. It didn’t help. The PRN lorazepams that I have have never not worked before. This is not a good sign.

I am incredibly aware that using alcohol to mask mental health issues is a dangerous game to play. After no relief of a day of anxiety I care not at this moment. Two drinks do not an alcoholic make, but I do need to be cautious that this cannot be a long term solution. At least that’s what my liver says.

I can only hope that tomorrows return to work brings me peace because I definitely cannot drink at work. The line in the sand must be drawn and I’m drawing it hard and deep right there.

After my roller coaster of a day the two drinks are nice. Warm, comforting. They help me forget that I was sad. That despite my value of inner peace, my war rages on. For now it’s a truce.

Today was the first day in months I’ve held a knife to my arm again. I didn’t cut but I felt the cool flat side of the blade slide up and down my arm. It felt good. I was in control.

November 22, 2014: draw your feelings

Yeah, that title sounds quite clinical and dull but it does summarize what I did this evening.

When depression has a strong hold on me I don’t do art at all. In fact I don’t do much of anything at all. I’m quite content (relatively) to do absolutely nothing, not reading, not tv, nothing. I almost did nothing this evening. I almost laid in bed and did nothing. My morning started off well, I felt ambitious and did a couple hours of cleaning. After that I faded fast. I felt lethargic and didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. I knew I was feeling depressed but was not ambitious enough to even attempt to snap myself out of it. I slept on the couch and then in my room. I woke up feeling as though I wasted a day and was even less ambitious than when I went to sleep.

My daughter slowly pulled me out because she held me to a promise I had made to do homemade soap with her. Children suck the life out of me, but sometimes they are the only thing that can force the life back into me. We made soap, we had fun. That led to my evening of painting.

This is what I made:

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It’s still wet in this picture but you get the idea. That’s me, I’m the skull. I’m empty, alone and hollow. I’m dark and amongst the shadows. Im surrounded by beauty, life and joy. I’m not so far gone that we can’t all be in the same picture. We share a screenshot. We’re close together but still apart. Almost within reach.

November 21, 2014: take a sleeping pill. Keeping writing until you fall asleep

I wrote the following last night. I apparently thought it would make a good blog. It’s ridiculous. I fell asleep hitting the screen. For your entertainment:

For the first time in all my 10 years at work we were allowed to do overtime. I stayed until 6. I got home with a banning head headache so I took out my milk maid braids and popped some pain killers. I also took a sleeping pill about half an hour ago to ensure I am well rested.

My blinks aye starting to get to the point where it might be seen as 5 second power naps.

I just had my eyes closed and I heard my boss voice say my mothers name. That’s weird.

Bigger eye close this time. I saw a field of hay. A mother kicked the kid down the hill.

Got up to use the bathroom. I stumbled, feels like I was intoxicated .

It’s getting harder to fight the steady
Push of sleep coming toward me.

I farted under my blanket. Leftover bean stew fart. It’s brought me some new awareness.

I can’t have been out long. Only seconds but I remember seeing ladies in dresses with the lit cats.

Top of a wall. Guy in charge is weaering a long scarf. More has happened. I forget in

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November 30, 2014: Medieval Times dinner and tournament bitches

For those unfamiliar, Medieval times is an arena venue where you are entertained with actors/horses in period costumes and served meals by your wench (ours had a very low cut top and massive breasts) It’s been around for as long as I can remember but the $100/ticket price has been a deterrent for me. My dad invited us to go and bought the tickets. There are cheaper tickets I’m sure but he bought us front and center which as a grown ass person watching knights sword fighting, I have to say was pretty awesome.

If you’re an introvert, this is not the place for you. Audience cheering and participation is strongly encouraged.

Parents prepare yourselves and coach your kids in advance because there is a literal shit ton of merch that kids will beg you for. Be strong. Tell them to shut the fuck up and get a job.

The vegetarian meal was actually really good and unlike the meat option we were given a spoon. My daughter watched in polite disgust as my father picked up what I believe was no less than half a chicken in his hands.

Part way through I started to think about the horses and hoped that they spent their days happily on a farm and then came to the city for their nightly performance. Yes, I’m sure thats true. Then I was thinking about the actors. Imagine that being your job? You’re at a party mingling with a glass of wine.
“so, what do you do?”
“I’m the mother fucking red knight at medieval times.”
“Fascinating”

I got as much pleasure watching my kids as watching the show. They went from big smiles with wide eyes to peeking through their fingers at the exciting bits. The two hours seemed to go by quickly.

I don’t want to make you jealous but my knight tossed me a favour he won from the princess. I can’t catch a football but I can catch a flower from a man on horseback.

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November 18, 2014: ch ch ch chia

In case you haven’t noticed yet it’s Christmas out there. I think it started November 12th. Neighbours are putting up their decorations, stores are pumping up their stock and I even heard a Christmas song on the radio. I don’t have cable but I imagine the commercials are rampant. Depending on where you live its snowy and cold as Fuuuuuuuck. Postal outlets are delivering on Sundays now to keep up with holiday demand (I know this first hand because last week I had deliveries arriving almost everyday) Tis the season!!!!

I like to get my crafty on and make gifts on occasion. Today And yesterday I spent a significant amount of time painting. If you’re not crafty you should consider browsing etsy for some unique and awesome gifts. I made a list of some of my favourite etsy shops today….. I’d share it with you but I don’t know how.

While out shovel shopping today (remember it’s snowy and cold as fuck) I found a whole shelf of chia pets. Anyone who grew up in the 80s/90s is probably singing the commercial jingle right now: ch ch ch chia. If you’re too young to remember I suggest you YouTube it. While you’re at it, you might as well check out the old zoodles commercial too because it’s also awesome, although completely unrelated. I have wanted a chia pet for the past twenty years. Twenty years!!!!!! It’s not the kind of thing you can buy for yourself so I’ve never bought one. I wonder if someone else I know has also wanted one for the past twenty years and I have left their Christmas dream unfulfilled. Today I bought two. While shovel shopping I saw them and immediately realized they were perfect. Here they are:

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You’re probably rolling your eyes or thinking lame, but no, they’re perfect.
Duck Dynasty chia: for my uncle.
He has a habit of giving peculiar/unique/ foul gifts. Two of the classics I’ve received over the years include an antique bedpan crafted into a giant candle and a coat rack with the hooks made from bent deer legs (yes real ones) he’s the kind of person who wraps your gift in duct tape. He also bears a striking resemblance to the duck dynasty men and is a faithful watcher of the show. Perfect.

Chia gnome: grandma.
My grandmother loves garden gnomes, she has a very large country lot with many gnomes set in various scenes. She prides herself on her garden although over the years her health has been poor so my grandpa did the gardening for her. Since he passed away earlier this year, she has a hard time enjoying her garden and her gnomes. Enter chia gnome. Perfect.

Ch ch ch chia.

November 15, 2014: Make and savour a salty Chihuahua (or two)

A salty Chihuahua is a drink in case you were uncertain. Another beautiful Pinterest find (I go by lazyanxiousgirl on Pinterest as well for those who would like to see my awesomeness in another forum)

Step 1: make sure it is past noon. Check.
Step 2: use a fresh lime to moisten your glass rim.
Step 3: put some salt (I prefer chunky freshly milled sea salt) in the bottom of a small bowl and salt your glass rim. Salt it good.
Step 4: pour yourself a generous about of tequila in your glass. I’m not rich so no Patron for this girl, gold Jose Cuervo all the way.
Step 5: top off the rest of the glass with lemonade.
Step 6: it’s Saturday, have some fun and put a fucking straw in that bitch.

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Step 7: savour (mmmmm so good) some of you might want it on ice, personally I don’t like anything that waters down my drink in there, but you’re your own person so do what you like.
Step 8: repeat.

I haven’t actually made it to step 8 yet, I’m on step 7. I probably will do step 8 a few times so I’ll come back to update more later.

2:18pm, two Chihuahuas in. I’ve painted a snail. I’m pretty into snails right now.

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4:15: because you can’t stay away from social media when intoxicated: reconnect with a high school fiend/potential boyfriend. (I don’t mean current potential boyfriend FYI)Talk about the mixed tape you made him.

8:10: I watched “the graduate”. Are you going to Scarborough fair
Sounds an awful lot like a recipe. Also
The whole movie is complete shit until Dustin Hoffman start swinging around that cross. No more chihuahuas for me!
You don’t even want to know how much I have bitten the inside of my cheeks tonight.

Update: past midnight: tequila is NOT a good Saturday afternoon drink!!!!!