Day 193: Watch Forrest Gump

Last night I spent an intimate evening with a bottle of rum.  When intoxicated I have a horrible habit of going on Facebook and clicking absolutely everything then the next morning when I log in it all comes flooding back. I liked what? I’m friends with who now?  One day I will find myself in the awkward position of having to explain why I liked a post about genocide or child abuse.  I’ve already unfriended one person from last night because their status update was about Jesus. NOPE, not happening.

This morning I had a great dream.  I was on a team playing a game that was similar to volleyball but played in a pool and without a net, the opposite end of the pool was the goal line.  I was the star player that everyone had to guard because I was such a fucking fantastic swimmer and ball spiker. It felt amazing to finally be good at a sport, even if it was an imaginary dream one.

This has nothing to do with anything except I was thinking about it.  It makes me laugh and cringe simultaneously.

Now I want to watch Wanderlust instead of Forrest Gump.  I am probably one of the few remaining people in the developed world that has never seen Forrest Gump.  Netflix suggests that based on my preferences I will not like it. 2 out of 5 stars.  If I’m honest I mostly want to watch it because I think it will make for a good nap movie.  If you don’t understand what I mean by nap movie I don’t think I want you to read any more of my posts.  ever. 


Day 137: Use an electric insect killer on my child’s head without thinking twice about potential harm it could cause

Let’s all take a moment and please be proud of me for staying away from facebook for about 44 hours.  That’s a pretty big fucking deal for me actually as sad as that sounds. Maybe it’s not much to be proud of really, it was more avoidance than actually choosing to do something really productive with my day.

So one of my children got lice.  AGAIN for about the fucking 20th time this year. I’m itchy just thinking about it.  I’ve tried so many different methods to get rid of them and in the end the best one so far has been soaking in conditioner and combing out the little fuckers followed by a dousing in a bottle of coke to eat away the shells of the eggs.  I’m pretty sure the classroom is just full of little lice having a little lice party every morning when the kids come back to school.  As a follow up to the conditioner rinse I got a battery operated comb that alerts you by sound when it finds one and then it electrocutes it. It’s called the Robi-comb and it’s my new boyfriend.  I probably should have been a little more cautious when putting a device on my child’s head that runs an electric current but I didn’t think twice.  They wouldn’t sell it if it was dangerous right?! It is incredibly satisfying to hear, see and be responsible for the murders of those little fuckers. Obviously my paranoia made me use it on myself too, just as a precaution.  Better safe than sorry. I recommend it for parents and to all the paranoid adults out there. 

Day 136: Keep my phone dead

My phone battery died last night and I didn’t recharge it.  Usually I will never let it die completely because I don’t like to be without it.  I use it to do old people things like frequently check the weather and news, and then feed my addiction of keeping up with everything on facebook. It’s been almost 24 hours now since it’s been dead and I think I’ve kept it that way for avoidance.  Sometimes you just want/need to avoid the world.  Maybe I have texts and maybe I don’t.  Maybe it was someone’s child’s birthday on facebook and maybe it wasn’t.  A huge disaster might have befallen half of the world and  I am living totally oblivious to it.

Maybe avoidance isn’t the best coping strategy but for now, I have gone through my day believing that everything is right with the world.

Day 35: dont check Facebook for a day

This sounds like an easy task that doesn’t deserve a post but for me it was quite challenging. I am a creature of habit and enjoy the comfort of certain routines. The first thing in the morning and the last thing before bed I like to check Facebook, the weather network, two news sites then Facebook again. In that order. Sometimes if I’m feeling really spontaneous I’ll randomly insert imgur or Pinterest. The other small detail I have when viewing Facebook is that I like to view it all in chronological order so that means that I have to go back to the very last post I saw then work my way up. I don’t like to be too overwhelmed with the process so I will in fact check Facebook multiple times a day. This seems logical to me so I don’t have to waste all that time scrolling back to the start.
To go an entire day without this routine has been unpleasant and stressful. I know it’s illogical because really what have a missed aside from quotes about dead relatives, terminal diseases and game invites? Maybe someone has posted a picture of the snow, their cat or some horrible injustice. Either way I want to see them all. *all* I will have to either wake up a little early or skip a shower tomorrow so I can catch up. I like sleeping and showers both so this is going to be tough.