I don’t have any regrets. A wise woman once told me “people do what they do for good reason”. And she’s right. Everything that I’ve done in my life made sense to me at the time. Looking back there might be a few things that I’ve done that I wish had gone a little differently. I don’t regret them because I’ve learned and grown from what I’ve done.
What I do have are some disappointments. There are times that I have disappointed myself for not following through with goals that I’d set out for myself and not treated people the way they deserved. I have not tried as hard as I could have in everything I do and there are hopes that I’ve clung to that have not come to fruition. The woulda coulda shouldas.
Sometimes we hold on to things for longer than we should. We think back to the past about things that we can’t change. What’s the point? We can’t change what we’ve done, we can only change what we will do.
And so in a symbolic effort I wrote down some of the disappointments I’ve had in my life. I thought carefully about each one then one by one I threw them in a fire and burned the shit out of them. I saved one for last. One that I’ve clung to for two years. One that had meant more to me than anything else. I tried to remind myself that we can’t control the actions or feelings of anyone else, only ourselves. It was my big finish, like when you save the best Christmas gift to give until last.
I think I’ve let go of the others, but the last I just can’t give up. I watched it burn but however impossible it seems I can’t let it go. I love it too much. When you love something that much you shouldn’t let it go no matter how much it hurts.
I ended off with s’mores and putting out the fire with shovels of snow. It doesn’t get more awesome and primal than that. Fuck yeah!