I like shopping online for my clothes and I buy probably 95% of them that way. There’s lots of reasons really:
1. you can see the outfits on a human rather than on a hanger (even if they are twig models, still better than a droopy hanger)
2. You don’t have to talk to anyone
3. You don’t have to carry anything, your packages magically appear at your door
4. You get to be happy twice, once when you shop and again when everything arrives
5. the internet is always open, you can shop whenever you want.
Last fall I spent one evening with a bottle of champagne, the internet and my credit card. I started shopping when I started the champagne. Mid bottle I starting thinking to myself, you should really try buying some things outside of your comfort zone. So I did and was quite pleased with them. By the end of the bottle I saw this pair of shoes. I thought, wow look at those! They’re a little bit retro, a little bit modern and a whole lot of awesome. In my e-cart they went!
The next morning I thought about my $700 shopping cart and tried to make a mental list of everything I had chosen. Then I remembered the shoes. I thought “oh god, I think I chose some really ugly shoes”. I couldn’t bring myself to log on to review my purchases so I just waited for them to arrive. When the box was delivered it was much larger than I had imagined, apparently $700 can buy a lot of clothes. I sat down to open the box and started pulling everything out. At the very bottom was the shoe box. I opened them and there they were. These retro modern awesome shoes. They have sat in my closet ever since. I’ve thought about donating them but I thought I needed to wear them at least once. Here they are in all their glory:
Although the spikes are blunt they are actually quite painful to touch. They’re a bit hazardous to put on. I wanted to really bring attention to the shoes so I found the perfect pair of pants to showcase them.
I bought these pants over a year ago. They were quite tight when I bought them and after I washed them they were almost uncomfortable. Since then they’ve kind of been just hanging out in my closet. In the last year I have acquired a bit more girth so putting them on this morning was somewhat of a process. Once I pulled them on I had to do lunges and squats to really work them in. It wasn’t enough, they still wouldn’t button up so I MacGyvered an elastic band system and wore a long shirt.
I don’t hate these shoes. I still think they’re kind of awesome, but in an ugly, oh god what normal person would ever wear those kind of way. I wore them today and vowed not to tell anyone that I thought my shoes were ugly. I went about my business as usual as though these things weren’t a part of my outfit. Girls, if you think guys are obvious when they look you up and down, you are 100 times worse. At least some guys use sunglasses (you’re not really fooling anyone), or look from the side, behind, or when you’re not looking. Although really girls know that if they were to turn around after they walked by, they would see a guy checking out their ass. We just don’t want to embarrass them. We’re thoughtful like that. You’re welcome. Girls wait until they are face to face and are engaged in a conversation. I know you were just staring at my shoes!!!!!! I saw you.
All morning I watched girls looking me up and down and not saying a word. Not one of them said a thing. I found it very amusing and wondered what they were all secretly thinking. I guess the golden rule of ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” actually means something. In the afternoon literally one minute apart I had one person say “Oh my god I love your saddle shoes, I used to have a pair like that when I was younger” then I got “oh my god, you’re so cute” (after she looked me up and down and paused at my shoes) Maybe she thought she had been caught at the pause and felt pressure to say something, anything. After those two comments, the silent up and downs continued for the rest of the day. It was an entertaining experiment on my part and I feel like the shoes were worth their money after all. The other bonus is if I ever wear them again and someone pisses me off I could just kick them in the junk and cause some serious pain.
Random suggestion time. A super fantastic awesome person told me about this song a few days ago and since then I’ve listened to it more or less 150 times. Only iTunes really knows.