Day 24: Ironically wear really ugly shoes

I like shopping online for my clothes and I buy probably 95% of them that way. There’s lots of reasons really:

1.  you can see the outfits on a human rather than on a hanger (even if they are twig models, still better than a droopy hanger)

2. You don’t have to talk to anyone

3. You don’t have to carry anything, your packages magically appear at your door

4. You get to be happy twice, once when you shop and again when everything arrives

5. the internet is always open, you can shop whenever you want.

Last fall I spent one evening with a bottle of champagne, the internet and my credit card. I started shopping when I started the champagne.  Mid bottle I starting thinking to myself,  you should really try buying some things outside of your comfort zone. So I did and was quite pleased with them.  By the end of the bottle I saw this pair of shoes.  I thought, wow look at those!  They’re a little bit retro, a little bit modern and a whole lot of awesome.  In my e-cart they went! 

The next morning I thought about my $700 shopping cart and tried to make a mental list of everything I had chosen. Then I remembered the shoes.  I thought “oh god, I think I chose some really ugly shoes”.  I couldn’t bring myself to log on to review my purchases so I just waited for them to arrive.  When the box was delivered it was much larger than I had imagined, apparently $700 can buy a lot of clothes.  I sat down to open the box and started pulling everything out.  At the very bottom was the shoe box.  I opened them and there they were.  These retro modern awesome shoes. They have sat in my closet ever since.  I’ve thought about donating them but I thought I needed to wear them at least once.  Here they are in all their glory:



Although the spikes are blunt they are actually quite painful to touch. They’re a bit hazardous to put on.  I wanted to really bring attention to the shoes so I found the perfect pair of pants to showcase them.

ImageI bought these pants over a year ago.  They were quite tight when I bought them and after I washed them they were almost uncomfortable.  Since then they’ve kind of been just hanging out in my closet.  In the last year I have acquired a bit more girth so putting them on this morning was somewhat of a process.  Once I pulled them on I had to do lunges and squats to really work them in.  It wasn’t enough, they still wouldn’t button up so I MacGyvered an elastic band system and wore a long shirt.

I don’t hate these shoes.  I still think they’re kind of awesome, but in an ugly, oh god what normal person would ever wear those kind of way. I wore them today and vowed not to tell anyone that I thought my shoes were ugly.  I went about my business as usual as though these things weren’t a part of my outfit.  Girls, if you think guys are obvious when they look you up and down, you are 100 times worse.  At least some guys use sunglasses (you’re not really fooling anyone), or look from the side, behind, or when you’re not looking.  Although really girls know that if they were to turn around after they walked by, they would see a guy checking out their ass. We just don’t want to embarrass  them. We’re thoughtful like that.  You’re welcome. Girls wait until they are face to face and are engaged in a conversation.  I know you were just staring at my shoes!!!!!! I saw you. 

All morning I watched girls looking me up and down and not saying a word.  Not one of them said a thing.  I found it very amusing and wondered what they were all secretly thinking. I guess the golden rule of ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” actually means something. In the afternoon literally one minute apart I had one person say “Oh my god I love your saddle shoes, I used to have a pair like that when I was younger” then I got “oh my god, you’re so cute” (after she looked me up and down and paused at my shoes)  Maybe she thought she had been caught at the pause and felt pressure to say something, anything. After those two comments, the silent up and downs continued for the rest of the day.  It was an entertaining experiment on my part and I feel like the shoes were worth their money after all.  The other bonus is if I ever wear them again and someone pisses me off I could just kick them in the junk and cause some serious pain.

Random suggestion time.  A super fantastic awesome person told me about this song a few days ago and since then I’ve listened to it more or less 150 times.  Only iTunes really knows.




Day 23: Watch a foreign film

I don’t know why we call them foreign films instead of foreign movies.  Watch something foreign and all of a sudden you feel like you have the right to be fancy. I think I watched a French porn once.  I was young and we didn’t have cable.  I was up late and and flipping through the fuzzy UHF channels frantically adjusting the rabbit ears.  I’m sure the volume was down low so I didn’t get caught.  It was probably so fuzzy you could barely see an elbow but I was dedicated to my language development none the less.

I made sure I didn’t choose a French film for tonight because I understand too much of it that I wouldn’t have needed to read the subtitles. I expected the movie to be boring and probably make me fall asleep.  Maybe I was just looking for an excuse to have an evening nap.  I picked a Spanish film (fancy!) called Una Noche.  Sometimes the narrow white font was a bit hard to read and when I paused it the Netflix bar was directly over the words which was frustrating but it was really good.  I thoroughly enjoyed it and will probably give foreign films a second go on account of how good this was one.

buenas noches.

Day 22: Try to meet some new friends

Sometimes your day doesn’t go as you had planned.  I wanted to leave work at a normal time and follow through with plans I had made right on the dot of 4:31pm.  Instead I spent 4.5 hours with a very talkative client in the emergency psychiatric treatment department at the ER. I was there until 6:30pm. During that time I met and interacted with 9 different hospital professionals mixed in with hours of straight conversation and one to one support of my client.  I hate to complain because I’m grateful that he trusted me enough to discuss his suicidal thoughts and that he felt as though he needed me to be with him the whole time but I am exhausted.  Socializing for that many consecutive hours is exhausting to begin with let alone speaking to someone who is suicidal and needs support and counselling. I’m not sure why my clients only ever disclose suicidal plans in the afternoon.

As tired as I am from work and from then following through with my pushed back plans I have made a commitment to myself to try something new each day and so I must still follow through with it.

I don’t have many female friends, and of the ones I do have I don’t really have many who share the same interests as me.  I can find a guy to go to a concert with me, but a girl?  Hells no. As a full on grown up really the main options we have for meeting new friends are at work and through existing friends.  I feel like I’ve exhausted those resources and it’s time to take further action so tonight I signed up with and joined a group of what appears to be quirky girls that like to go out and drink.  This is the photo they use for their group page:

ImageIt’s like they know me. It happens that the next night out I already have plans which I guess buys me a bit of time to get over my crazy anxiety about meeting a group of complete strangers. It’s terrifying really.

I kind of want to go eat cheese in my snuggie now.

Day 21: Don’t wear makeup

Do you ever see something on the sidewalk and wonder if it’s a rotten vegetable or decaying animal?  I saw something today and it was either a tomato or a bat. This has nothing to do with today’s topic, I was just wondering.

I don’t wear very much makeup, at least compared to most other girls. Aside from the odd stray sparkle it’s possible that people may not know that I wear it at all, especially men.  I think that unless you look like this they don’t notice at all:

ImageI do wear it to work everyday though and I feel more confident with it on.  It is a sad state of affairs when girls feel better when they’ve got something fake on their face but what can you do?! I’m ashamed to admit that I love seeing the Stars without makeup features in magazines. Like I really love them. The more normal/hideous they look the happier I am. It would be great if there could be a stars without makeup app that you could look at every time you felt shitty.  Maybe there is, I’ll check. There is but only for Android.  Holy shit look at Katy Perry!  HA! YES!!!!

I was expecting comments from my co-workers like “you look tired” or “are you feeling okay?”.  These are both things I’ve heard before when I’ve been makeupless.  Today however no one said anything.  Either I looked gross and people were too nice to say anything or maybe I actually look just fine without makeup. It could go either way. in the end it really only matters what I think.  And right now I think I’m going to go on the internet and look at pictures of stars without makeup. Oh Mila sweetie, look at you.  Thank you.

Day 20: Make pasta sauce and win something else

Monday is the new Sunday for mundane posts.

I’ve never made my own pasta sauce before and have been envious of those with the ambition and the talent to do so.  I didn’t want to make it using canned tomatoes so it was full on from scratch.  In progress:


The tomatoes, onions and peppers were drizzled with olive oil and oven roasted to perfection.  I blended them all up with garlic, parsley and basil before going in a pot to simmer with salt and pepper. I tossed in a bit of feta for good measure because everything is beta with feta 🙂  For not having a recipe and being my first time I’m quite pleased with my tasty results.  And homemade garlic bread too

pasta sauciness awesomeness

Oh and I won a Laura Secord basket at work for being awesome.


Day 19: Visit the psychiatric hospital. Voluntarily.

This was not my first rodeo. I’ve been to the psychiatric hospital before and my memories of those experiences are not great. It is a dark and unforgiving place full of lonely people and cynical staff.

My first time there was to see my mother who was locked up involuntarily due to her years long decent into crazytown. In the end I don’t know what was more painful to see, crazytown population: mom or the psychiatric hospital where everyone is so drugged up they are barely functioning zombies. I recognize that in order to begin treatment a patient needs to be stabilized and often sedated but it was a terrible thing to see.  I remember having to hold her up because she couldn’t walk on her own, and trying to carry on a conversation with those vacant eyes.  In the end I just cried because I couldn’t do anything else. No one comes to comfort you and explain anything to you because they probably have seen that a million times before. It was normal there and no one cared.

That was many years ago but unfortunately not much has changed since then with regards to service and facilities until now.  The new psychiatric hospital in the city is due to open in three weeks time and this weekend they provided guided tours.  I wanted to see it for myself and hear about all the improvements that have been made.  I was impressed.  It is a vast and modern structure filled with light and clean lines. They are providing a person centered approach focussed on recovery.  Each patient has their own room with ensuite bath and keycard to ensure privacy. There are a total of 16 courtyards and every single room has a view of either a courtyard or greenspace.  The nurses stations don’t have plexiglass walls anymore so people will feel more like patients and less like criminals. There is a bank, hair salon, used clothing store, library, yoga studio, weight room, full sized gym, labyrinth, tennis courts, baseball diamond, soccer field and 8 klms of walking trails. They have integrated both in and out-patient services to reduce stigmatization and increase a mix of consumers. It also has four 1,200 sq ft apartments for transitional living from hospital to community.  It will have the first concurrent disorders ward for mental health and addiction which is very exciting. I was impressed.  What pleased me the most was how many people were there for the tour.  It was packed and the volunteers had prepared well.  There was a mix of clinicians, patients and neighbours who all wanted to see the new facilities but what stuck me most was how supportive and understanding everyone was of mental health. Over the weekend they probably saw about 2,000 people.

The tour ended with everyone having the opportunity to create a tile which would be displayed as part of a large scale mural in the hospital for everyone to see. The words and images were supportive and hopeful. I hope that it will be a new beginning of treatment and that no one ever has to have terrible memories of their visit again.



Day 18: have the best bath ever

I spent most of my day like this:

( phone won’t let me upload so imagine a japanimation of a sad girl curled up in a ball)

I am tired of feeling like that so I’ve set up a painfully hot bath. It’s so hot that I’m red and may have lost a layer of skin. I added a shit ton of bubble bath AND a bath bomb!! Worst case scenario I don’t feel any better but I will be soft and smell delicious. There’s a mimosa beside me and I’m listening to the Gossip- music for men album.

If anything at all is going to help it’s going to be the wind up frog race that’s about to happen. Wind up frog vs shit ton of bubbles. GO!

( there is also a picture of my wind up frog surrounded by a shit ton of bubbles. You’ll have to trust me)