Day 89: Cancel on something you really wanted to do

This was not supposed to be today’s post.  Today’s post was supposed to be, go to a concert with a girl. I mentioned awhile back that I am lacking in the female friends department, especially ones that like to go to concerts. This friend asked me weeks ago to go to Toronto tonight which gave me plenty of time to mentally prepare. This is a newish friend and after yoga this would have been our second time going out into the wide world together. Unfortunately today was a shit day for me and I had to cancel.  I feel terrible about it, I wanted to go and I hate letting people down like that but I just couldn’t do it.

I have a tankless water heater which means unlimited hot water.  This proved to be a bad thing for me this morning because I sat in the bottom of my shower for an hour and a half.  I didn’t think about much really and at one point I remember thinking about my hydro bill with this long shower but I still didn’t move.  Having the water turn cold on me would have really helped me this morning.

I am not enjoying this cut off from one med and weaning off of the other.  I feel anxious and depressed, there’s got to be a better way this is bullshit. I don’t know how I successfully cared for two small human beings all weekend in this state.  I guess sometimes you do what you have to do on autopilot and then you just crash.

I like being independent and I hate relying on others for anything but today I knew I needed help.  This morning I called the one person I knew that I could and he took me grocery shopping.  I’m at a point now where if there is any effort involved in preparation I won’t eat so I bought a whole bunch of frozen meals so I don’t starve. Someone should invent meals on wheels for the mentally unstable vegetarian.

This post feels like it’s all over the place plus it’s taking away from me literally doing nothing so I’m done.

Day 88: Learn to embroider

When I visited my friend’s sewing shop last week I picked myself up a beginners embroidery kit. I have actually embroidered once before. I was about 11 and in family studies we made denim pencil cases with Velcro seal and our names chain stitched on the front.  After all these years I still remember the chain stitch even though I haven’t used it since then.

Here is the kit I got which actually wasn’t much of a kit because I had to get the hoop and needles separately.


Here it is opened up. The instructions didn’t actually show any of the four stitches used so I had to go online. Look at my scissors, aren’t they sweet?  I bought them at an antique fair a few years ago for $5.


Here we are part way through:Image

This has taken me a VERY LONG time.  I don’t know what time I started but I’ve been listening to vinyl and I’ve had time to listen to The Beatles, Janis Joplin, Billie Holiday, Jefferson Airplane AND Bob Marley.  Here’s what I’ve finished:


It’s not good, but it’s not complete shit. I started on the whiskey around the time that Bob Marley started so slothy sloth will have to wait for another day to fulfill his sloth dreams and be turned into a stuffy.

On another note my window sill garden is doing very well.


Day 87: try yogurt

If anyone ever asks I will say I don’t like yogurt even though the truth is I’ve never tried it. I’ve been telling myself for so long that I don’t like it that I’ve started to believe it’s a fact. The very smell of yogurt makes me gag and I prefer not to be anywhere within smelling distance for that reason.

This week while standing in the grocery store magazine section (I’m one of those people) I read through an article in psychology today about the potential effect that yogurt had on minimizing depression. In my ongoing quest to try anything to help my depression I thought it was time to try yogurt.

I’m a vegetarian so I do my best to avoid gelatin which is found in most brands of yogurt. I found Liberte had no gelatin and they had a lime flavour. Sucker for citrus, let’s do this! I opened it up and it had this really gross skin/film around the edges. I stirred it and it looked really foul. I made the mistake of smelling it. Gag. Tasting time. Oh god it tasted just like it smelled. Gag. I do not like yogurt.


Day 86: Try teeth whitening with charcoal

Today is day two of having my anti-depressants cut down in the two week process of getting off of them completely to try new ones. So far I’m not loving the feeling. I do better when I am busy and distracted but times when things are quiet I am more aware of the symptoms I am feeling from the taper down. It kind of feels like I’m laying down with a very big dog sitting on my chest all the time.  It’s not a menacing dog, but still it’s big so it prevents me from taking deep relaxing breathes and I feel a slight panic at all times knowing I couldn’t get up if I wanted too because there’s a big fucking dog sitting on me. I’ve also always got a headache, and feel light headed, and a bit twitchy but other than that things are super great.

Today’s new thing was something I found on Pinterest.  I had never heard of whitening teeth with activated charcoal before but apparently it’s a widely known thing on the internets as per google.  I got a bottle of activated charcoal which comes in capsule format at the health food store for about $10. Here is the link with all the info and pics:

I tried the finger method because I didn’t want to ruin my toothbrush but sadly when I was done I can’t say I noticed that my teeth were any whiter.  My mouth does feel very clean though so that’s a plus. I think part of the problem was I was very concerned with trying not to swallow it so I became all drooly and I think my saliva pool probably diluted the charcoal. In retrospect the concern was probably unfounded given it’s meant to be swallowed. I should probably have used a toothbrush to be more thorough.  I might as well try it again some time since I now have a whole bottle of charcoal capsules.

Looks like I was right….. Awwww yiiiiis.


Day 85: Make a list of things that make you happy

Sometimes when I’m feeling really low it’s hard to even think of a time when I was happy let alone engage in some of the things that make me happy. Today in an effort to help remind me of all the good things in life and to perhaps work on doing more of them, I made a list.

Despite all the technology available I still prefer to make my lists on paper, budget plans, Christmas lists, grocery lists, to do lists.  There is something very satisfactory about writing things down and if applicable, crossing it off when done with it. Although not complete, here is my list thus far:


As a follow up to Saturday’s blog, my new bathing suit arrived yesterday and it is as cute as expected.  Obviously it looks much better on the girl on the website, but that is not surprising. From the same site I also bought myself a fabulous umbrella. It’s gorgeous opened and when being carried makes a pimpin’ cane and you can push elevator buttons like a boss with it. And guess what?!  It’s supposed to be warm enough to rain tomorrow!

Also good news, I am 99.9% sure that my daffodils are going to bloom tomorrow. 


Does anyone else have Windows 8? If so do you tell it to “fuck right off” on a daily basis?

Day 84: spring is never coming so fake it a bit

I had another bad day today. I didn’t curl in the bottom of the shower but
that is primarily because I didn’t have one. I did see my doctor and I’m being taken off the meds I’ve been on for the last six years and prescribed new ones. I’m not looking forward to the transition period over the next few weeks.
It’s another very cold day as spring continues to elude us. The birds have come back and started singing but everything is still frozen. Usually at this time of year I’m starting to be excited about all the spring flowers popping up. I really think for my own mental health and stability I should move to a warmer climate. I should look into that. Until then I have brought spring to my windowsill. I’ve got a pot of white tulips and a pot of daffodils. The piece de resistance is my key lime tree. Just as I finished potting it I read an article about the Mexican drug cartels taking over lime production. Maybe I should buy a whole bunch more and start a lime farm in my tiny living room to ensure my own supply.


Day 83: Visit a new friend’s store

Today was my day to man up, get my shit together and get off the damn couch. I did a thorough clean of my place ( fresh sheets too thank you very much), fixed myself up and joined the real world outside.  It was very cold, that part was unpleasant.

Over my frequent visits to the nearby Mexican restaurant my usual server and I had been getting to know each other. She’s very lovely, has a boyfriend in Japan and a store in a trendy part of downtown. The last time I was there we introduced ourselves properly and I told her I’d come by her store.  Here we are about three weeks later and I decided to visit her.

She owns a sewing shop that is filled with just the right amount of vintage furniture so it’s not too hipster and shelves full of very pretty fabric that I envision myself making flowy summer dresses from.  If I could sew that is. It also has a few machines where they host classes for people like me that can’t do much beyond sewing buttons and tiny holes. Sew what?  Sew buttons!

I chatted with Liz for awhile, bought something and signed up for something but more on those another day. It must be really nice to spend your day in such a pretty shop, sewing between customers and chatting with nice people.