Day 89: Cancel on something you really wanted to do

This was not supposed to be today’s post.  Today’s post was supposed to be, go to a concert with a girl. I mentioned awhile back that I am lacking in the female friends department, especially ones that like to go to concerts. This friend asked me weeks ago to go to Toronto tonight which gave me plenty of time to mentally prepare. This is a newish friend and after yoga this would have been our second time going out into the wide world together. Unfortunately today was a shit day for me and I had to cancel.  I feel terrible about it, I wanted to go and I hate letting people down like that but I just couldn’t do it.

I have a tankless water heater which means unlimited hot water.  This proved to be a bad thing for me this morning because I sat in the bottom of my shower for an hour and a half.  I didn’t think about much really and at one point I remember thinking about my hydro bill with this long shower but I still didn’t move.  Having the water turn cold on me would have really helped me this morning.

I am not enjoying this cut off from one med and weaning off of the other.  I feel anxious and depressed, there’s got to be a better way this is bullshit. I don’t know how I successfully cared for two small human beings all weekend in this state.  I guess sometimes you do what you have to do on autopilot and then you just crash.

I like being independent and I hate relying on others for anything but today I knew I needed help.  This morning I called the one person I knew that I could and he took me grocery shopping.  I’m at a point now where if there is any effort involved in preparation I won’t eat so I bought a whole bunch of frozen meals so I don’t starve. Someone should invent meals on wheels for the mentally unstable vegetarian.

This post feels like it’s all over the place plus it’s taking away from me literally doing nothing so I’m done.

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