First let me begin by talking about sleep. Since my Zoloft has been Weened down to almost non existent, my love affair with sleep has been rekindled. We find each other every night around 10pm again and enjoy our company for many straight hours. The joy of naps has also resumed again with great passion. I can’t emphasize enough how amazing it is to be wearing a thin flowy dress and to lie down in the afternoon with the windows open and birds chirping. The warm breeze flips up your dress and lightly laps against your legs. You fall asleep gently and deeply with amazing dreams and wake up to a still beautiful day left to enjoy. Mmmm sleep I’ve missed you so.
On to game of thrones. Apparently I like to jump on bandwagons a little behind the rest of the world. I have the whole series of books and I read quite a good bit of the first one. The problem I had was that I was reading it A bit at a time which made it difficult to keep tract of all the names and who was related to who. And the books are huge! Have you seen them? Really big! I quit reading them and now they sit on my bookshelf as a daily reminder that I quit them. I’ve finally watched the first episode. I don’t know why the characters in every midevilish show must speak with an English accent when they’re not in England. The show is a visually stunning boob parade of incest. I quite liked it.
Thank god it’s over!!!!! No breakfast again today, and lunch was too pizza pops. Without breakfast and morning snacks by the time lunch rolls around I’m starving and inhale whatever rubbish the day brings. Today was the last two pizza pops. Dinner was pasta and toast. The pasta sauce wasn’t too horrible, just a little sweet. If I had herbs and veg it wouldn’t have been so bad. I’m soon to finish the last bit of peaches. Since three of my meals this week were given to me I haven’t touched the perogies and still have a box of Mac and cheese left. Some leftover beans, frozen veg and leftover pasta. Maybe I could have bought slightly less and picked up a vegetable or two. Mmm or maybe apple sauce. I like apple sauce. Regardless, eating out was completely out of the question as was anything fresh and healthy. I’m glad to have it come to an end and have gained further respect for those who are surviving this way.
On a positive note, today was mortgage renewal day. The bank sent a letter a few months ago offering a 3.5 interest rate. I didn’t bite and sure enough they offered a better deal. Old rate was 4.7 and the new rate as of today is 2.9. That ends up cutting the mortgage payment by $202/month. Awwww yisss.
Thursday’s breakfast was non existent and lunch was more leftovers that a friend had given me. It gets pretty mundane with only a few options to choose from. Dinner last night was beans on toast which I actually like eating. Normally I would have cut up some vegetarian sausages to put in the beans but those didn’t fit into the budget. If I was really on social assistance I could have visited the food bank which is the citizens response to a failed government system. The problem with food banks is though that you can only visit once a/month and it involves lining up early for hours if you actually want to get something. Food bank’s supply depends on donations which often come from corporations and include things like no name cookies and pasta, not exactly healthy body fuel. If you are in a position to donate to a food bank, cash is best because they can buy in bulk to stretch the dollar and can buy things in need. If you would prefer to donate actual items things like baby formula and food and pet food are always good options. People tend to put their children (rightfully so) and pets before themselves. If you’re a farmer (urban or otherwise) and have unused produce, please consider connecting with a food bank to offer your wares. Fresh produce is hard to come by in a food bank and could also be used same day by the cooks in a soup kitchen.
If you’re not already listening to Jillian Banks (BANKS), you should be.
I feel like a complete cheat today. Last night I went out with a friend who brought me some delicious leftovers which I ate for lunch today. Throughout the day a couple people offered to buy food for me and to be honest it was embarrassing and I felt like a charity case. Even though I really wanted that fresh fruit cup and bagel I said no thanks. Even though I’m only faking it this week (I do in fact have money for food) I still felt like I wanted to push away people’s help because I didn’t want anyone to feel badly for me. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to actually be on social assistance and feel like a charity case. For those who are always kind to those in need, thank you but please remember to be gracious so you don’t end up making people feel worse about their situation than they already do. Tonight I went to an event with free food and drinks so I made that my dinner…. and I was given the leftover wine and fancy cheeses! The reality is for those who are on social assistance, you survive how ever you can. If that means accepting food when someone offers you do it. If that means frequenting places with free food, you do it. I am fortunate to have friends that offer me leftovers and to buy me food but not everyone is so lucky.
Now let’s talk about my morning as it was an eventful one. And by talk I mean I type and you read. On my way to work I saw a small bird fly into a garbage truck and land on the roadway stunned. Although they saw it happen the guys in the garbage truck clearly had no intentions of stopping so I went out into four lanes of traffic during rush hour and escorted the wee stunned bird to safety. You’re welcome wee bird and thank you to all the cars that stopped for me. Mid-walk I passed a man who stared directly at my boobs and tipped his hat to them without once looking away. Next I walked passed Mags. For those who don’t remember Mags, please see Day 127: Part 2 My conversation with Mags went as follows:
Mags: Do you work at (insert name of my office here)?
Me: Yes, how did you know that?
Mags: I used to work there awhile ago, I remember you.
Me: Oh really?
Mags: Yes I was a file clerk. I probably shouldn’t tell you this but (insert name of one of my current clients) is my sister. I don’t work there anymore because it was a conflict for me.
Me in my head: Dammit Mags! Now I’m going to have to not be any friendlier with you and may have to consider a new route to work.
Tonight I locked myself out for the first time. In my search for my keys I slowly took items out of my purse and before I knew it I was sitting on the sidewalk beside a bottle of wine, box of crackers, pair of shoes, book, wallet, passport and various other girlie items. I think I need a smaller purse…. and maybe an extra set of keys.
It’s been two days and I already hate it. I really like carbs a lot but this is just too much. Breakfast was two pieces of white bread toast with cheese on it and lunch was last night’s dinner leftovers. I feel disgusting after every time I eat. I go through the cycle of eat, feel gross, get hungry. REPEAT. I was so tired of carbs that I opened up my can of peaches and had a bowl of peaches for dinner. I’m worried that I only have half a can left and three days to go.
I saw a psychiatrist today that coincidentally I have actually seen before. Several months ago I did a presentation to a group of doctors at the psychiatric hospital where she was in the audience, and now here we are. What fun! Psychiatrists and counsellors don’t tend to book me follow up appointments because the reality is I’m very aware of my mental health issues, causes and theoretical treatment options. The only part I’m missing is the knowledge and ability to prescribe myself medication. And so with no further psychiatry appointments scheduled, I’d like to welcome Effexor to my medicine cabinet, I hope we will be good to each other.
Today marks the beginning of five days of eating based on social assistance rates. A single person in ontario (Canada) is eligible to receive up to $626/month for food and accommodations. My hypothetical accommodation is a room in a rooming house for $450/month. I have an absentee landlord and roommates that are loud and steal. I’m setting aside $10 for five bus tickets for the month…. I’ll be doing a lot of walking. I don’t have cable or a phone. That leaves me with $166 for the month. I’m assuming I have no pet to feed and don’t need any toiletries (maybe I’ll steal from my roommates?!) . In a 31 day month that gives me $5.35/day or $26.77 for five days. I knew with that I wouldn’t get much at my usual grocery store so I reluctantly went to walmart. Here is what I ended up with:
I probably should have skipped the orange juice but I really love orange juice. I spent about half of what I normally would on my Tropicana. The pre sliced cheese also seems frivolous but it was only three cents more than the tiny little brick of cheese. Much carbs, so fatty, wow!
I didn’t have breakfast and I noticed a distinct lack of snacks when I tried to get food together to take to work. I ended up with two pizza pops. About 20 minutes after eating my lunch I went into a huge panic attack. I’m actually not sure if it was a panic attack or if I was suffering from cardiac arrest from eating 24g of fat.
This elegant feast was dinner.
The macaroni was fine but the vegetables were foul. I dislike frozen vegetables they get very mushy when cooked. I feel fat and gross even though I didn’t really eat that much. I still have about $4 for the week. One of my clients told me about dollar days at a local discount grocery store and I got really excited. Apparently for two dollars I could get a package of strawberries. I don’t want to spend it yet though because it’s still early. Mmmm strawberries. Oh wait, for $2 they’re not going to be organic. If you’re going to only buy one organic item it should be strawberries. That tip is free. You’re welcome.
Despite being an organized planner, sometimes I make impulsive decisions. Sometimes they are good decisions and occasionally not so good. In this case I have no regrets.
Sometimes in life there will be dresses. You’ll see them and think my god that is unique, beautiful and just perfect. Sometimes wanting that dress seems illogical and downright stupid but you can’t help it. Sometimes you just have to buy the goddamn dress.
It’s a little wrinkly from the bag but look how fucking fabulous it is with my new orange nail polish.