Day 140: Completely lose your shit and then sort of find it again

These last couple of days have been really shitty for me.  I’ve missed work yet again due to my stupid crazy. Now that I’ve been on these pills for at least a month a few unpleasant side effects have begun.  The first is sleep disturbances.  I love sleeping, it’s my favourite and so sleep disturbances are very unpleasant for me.  I’m an in bed by 10pm kind of gal and for the last week I’ve been staying up past midnight every night.  When I do go to bed I just lay there for a really long time while my brain swirls thoughts around and around.  When I fall asleep I can stay asleep for maybe an hour or two and then I’m awake again. I’m just not tired.  One other side effect I’m experiencing is anxiety.  Anxiety really is an unfortunate side effect for anti-anxiety medication to have. For the past few days my heart has been racing and honestly felt like it was going to explode and I was going to die. It’s a feeling of constant discomfort which made it impossible to focus on anything. Zoloft you may go fuck yourself. 

I’m also realizing that my mental health issues are hugely effected by stress and current situations.  When I’m stressed and upset my body has a very strong physiological response and I lose my shit, I just can’t cope.  I felt so badly for some of my actions that I quit eating, privatized my blog and deleted my facebook account.  I felt like I didn’t deserve food or to have any people around me at all. I also decided that I needed to punish myself and feel hurt like I had caused other people. At the time the things I chose to do made sense to me but now that I look back I realize I did some very fucked up things to myself.  Completely out of my mind shit. I booked a Dr’s apt for tomorrow night but I don’t want to tell her what I did because I’m genuinely afraid that I will be locked away. 

I told myself that I had to go to work today.  It used to be when I wasn’t well I would sit in the bottom of the shower for an hour curled up in a ball but today because of accumulation of sleep loss and that constant heart exploding feeling I couldn’t stay in. I went to work with wet hair and no makeup.  I looked like shit. But I went in. I was shaking a lot and a bit foggy headed, probably on account of denying myself food for two days. I somehow made it through the day.  It started off terribly but got a little better as time went on. I ate something around 1pm today so that’s a step in the right direction.

I am thankful to have friends in my life that support me and reach out even when I probably don’t deserve it.  People who noticed I was missing from facebook that instead of being pissed off that I deleted them, sent me messages asking if I was okay. Friends who although they have their own struggles, offer their help. Some of these friends I rarely ever see in person and are many miles away but that doesn’t matter,they are still my friends. 

I’ve been trying to deal with some personal issues lately and tonight I am reminded of the serenity prayer used in 12 step programs.  It’s important to recognize that we cannot change how other’s react, we can only chose how we react.  We also cannot take responsibility for the actions of others and a some point you have to just breathe and let it go.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

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