Today I ate a burger for lunch and it didn’t come with pickles. Who the fuck serves a burger without pickles?! Not cool. Whenever I’m finished a burger I always feel like there’s mustard on my face. Never ketchup even though there was ketchup in there too, just mustard.
Apparently I’m giving this alternative lifestyle thing a try. I got confirmation today that my request to end my lease early without penalty, have my last month’s rent honoured and get my $500 key deposit back was approved. I’ve got until the end of next month here then I move back into my old house in my to be created separate quarters. This means that as of next month I don’t have to pay rent and I get $500 back! That sounds like a trip right? Although the intention was of course to be saving money but a trip sounds far more fun. Or shopping?! Imagine the new dresses! Oh god I love money.
On to today. I have over the years had many brazilian waxes. Women, you know that they are absolutely horrifically painful yet we get them again and again. I shouldn’t be sexist, some men may also be partially familiar with the horrifying pain as you might wax your balls. A year and a half ago I made the mistake of buying a discounted wax for a new salon via wagjag. I will keep the story much shorter than it could: Mid wax a strip was torn that much more painful than the others. There was much blood and a three inch laceration outside of my vajayjay, a trip to the ER with specialist consults and lots of people gathered around my vajayjay all saying things like “look at that” ” I’ve never seen that before” “I don’t know what to do” and finally hot doctor asking “may I put my hand on your clitoris?”. I went back once after that (not to the same place obviously) and I was terrified with every strip she ripped off that it was going to happen again. I’ve decided that salon waxing is overrated not to mention expensive. And so after a year or more of shaving I’ve decided to try and wax myself! How bad could it be? They sell it in pharmacies all the time and it comes in cute little bottles with natural looking fragrances and pictures on the box. This is going to be fun, I’m sure of it! For the low low price of $18 I bought this lovely Nair milk and honey wax kit. It looks easy, mess free and milk and honey sounds very soothing.
Sorry about the potato pic.
Through the magic of the internet, time has elapsed. It is not as much fun as I had anticipated and it hurts just as much as going to get it done at the salon. Sad face. It is very hard to mercilessly rip the strips off yourself because you know how much it’s going to hurt so you half ass it a bit and then you only get out like two hairs. When I finally worked up the nerve to do a really good hard one I involuntarily yelled out “OH GOD!” My neighbour probably thought I was having some great sex. I’d say I was quite unsuccessful at the whole thing but I have a plan to get better. This weekend I’m going to get myself a bunch of drinks and then start with my legs first because I think those will hurt less, that will help me get more comfortable with ripping them off harder and faster (awww yissss). The package says the strips are washable?! That’s just gross. I am not washing strips covered in wax and my vajayjay sprinkley fluff. That shit is going in the garbage.