Day 164: Realize that kids are bullshit

I need to preface this post by saying I love my children dearly and have no regrets. 

With that obligatory statement out of the way so I don’t seem like a completely horrible person, kids are bullshit.  There are parents who will talk about how wonderful and amazing it is to be a parent and that despite all the challenges, it’s all worthwhile.  Those parents are liars.  These are things that they say to make them feel better in front non-parents. Parents will try to make non-parents feel badly for not having kids, as though they aren’t doing their humanly duty.  They will painfully and constantly ask you when you’ll be having kids. Do you know why they’re doing that?  They are trying to suck you into the black hole of an existence that they have so they aren’t so jealous of you.

Kids are assholes. They are expensive, they whine constantly, they don’t listen, they say cruel things, they purposely do things that cause parents stress. They even take pleasure in stepping on ants.  Who thinks:  I’m going to end this life right now and be happy about it. ?!

My rant was initiated by a trip to Lowe’s.  A THREE FUCKING HOUR trip to Lowe’s !!!!! In preparation for my move back to the matrimonial home as part of my new alternative lifestyle I needed to get some things ready.  I knew I couldn’t accomplish everything I needed in one trip on account of the children so I narrowed it down to blinds for the windows and choosing flooring. Easy right? The kids complained about bordome, tried to move the cart down the aisle while sitting in it by rocking back and forth, swung in the hammocks, cooked pretend dinners in all of the fake kitchens, put hands in the fountains and had to go to the bathroom twice. I have become one of those parents who let’s their kids fool around in other aisles because it is literally the only way to accomplish anything. I hate those parents.

When I thought it was finally over we got to the checkout only to realize that one of the six blinds was missing. We backtracked through the massive store assuming it had been dropped. It hadn’t. The blind cutting lady took an hour and missed one. BITCH. Now the blind cutting lady was helping someone else so more waiting. Six blinds, four flower pots, three hours, two crazy kids, $600.

Then last night post Lowe’s, baby daddy says: “don’t worry about moving in making us get back together again because I can’t imagine myself being in a relationship with you again.” I’m sure hidden somewhere in that sentence a nice sentiment was intended however it felt more like a rusty jagged dagger to the heart. Lowe’s: never again.

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