Firstly I am sorry to everyone who was worried about me and to everyone who’s days/schedules were altered because of me (and there are a lot of you)
Tuesday during the day at work and during the evening I was completely fine and my day went well.Tuesday night I went a bit mental to say the least. I became hysterical and was at a complete loss of control over my thoughts and actions. I began alternating between cutting myself and taking pills. When I wrote my blog (which has since been removed by a third party to avoid any further calls to 911) it was late enough that I assumed no one would see it right away. False assumption clearly. I did have enough time to cut up and down and all over both of my arms, take far more pills than I should have and to knife the shit out of my laptop screen. I don’t know why I did that but it felt right at the time. Just after getting out of the bath (which included a table beside me with more pills) my door was pounding very loudly which was the police. The two guys came in and sat down to chat with me about what I was doing and calmed me down by talking to me about my apartment and decorating. They took my knife away and gathered all my pill bottles and made a list of everything I had taken. I was told that I was being taken to the hospital by ambulance because of all of the things I had taken. Aside from being upset, I didn’t feel any effects from the pills at all. In the ambulance I was hooked up to all sorts of machines and put on the stretcher. On the way there I chatted with the paramedic.
Me: How was your day?
Him: Not bad but I’ve got a bit of a headache.
Me: I’d give you some Tylenol but I took all mine.
Him: *Awkward laughter*
During the triage part of the ER I had to go to the bathroom. I was escorted there on my stretcher while the two paramedics and two police officers stood outside the bathroom door. There was a lot of pee pressure. Apparently I was a flight risk. When I finally got a room at the ER the paramedics left but the police continued to stand guard outside my room until I was all hooked up to new machines. By this time an hour had passed and my feet felt numb and my heart began to beat erratically. I was hooked up to an EKG machine and an IV drip of fluid to flush my system. I don’t think I ever actually considered what taking too many pills does to your body, I didn’t think it would feel like that. My heart was beating an extra 50 beats/minute so I had to remain in the ER for about 12 hours until I was stable enough to be sent to the crazy people side of the hospital. I didn’t sleep at all, how can you really with all that noise and when your heart feels like it will explode. 1pmish I was taken to the emergency psychiatric treatment part of the hospital. I don’t remember going from one place to the other but obviously I did. My room was from the 50’s with scratched up plexi glass windows to the hallway, a solid bathtub like bed frame and a one piece stainless steel toilet and sink combo. It looked much like the shoe from OITNB. I had some visitors and I remember hearing lots of angry yelling people in nearby rooms but I was so tired that I don’t really remember much.
I was transferred up to the new psychiatric hospital that I toured a few months ago and as luck would have it out of all the rooms in the whole hospital, the one that I was given was the one that I had toured through. I was given my key pass card and the once over. Dinner was promptly at 5pm which was just as I arrived. Dinner there is served in a small kitchen were all the patients sit together for their meals. I hadn’t brushed my hair or teeth in a long time and was wearing a hospital gown. If I wasn’t so exhausted I would probably have been mortified to see that all of the other patients were wearing normal people clothes.
The ward was mostly older people with only two or three about my own age. My favourite patient was a man who sounded like a cross between Winnie the Pooh and the old pedophile from the Family Guy. He wheeled around the ward yelling YOUHOO!!! YOUHOOO??!!! I went to bed promptly at 9pm and slept with my door open to minimize the noise when the nurses came in every 15 to 30 min. to do their rounds. Around 3am I heard YOUHOO in the hallway. He had socks on his ears because the snake told him to do it. His talking snake is a king cobra in case you were wondering. The next morning when I woke up I had no idea what day it was or what time it was. No clocks or calendars anywhere. When I went for breakfast the next morning an older lady told me she felt like a bum because I was wearing a dress and had brushed my hair. She also told me that the tops and bottoms of bananas were poison. I looked her right in the eyes while I ate the end of my banana. She didn’t show me any concern. Rude. By that time I had been seen by several nurses, Dr’s, psychiatrists and a social worker. I wish I had just written out my life story and pinned it to my shirt so I didn’t have to repeat it anymore. At dinner the older lady from breakfast came over to sit with me and said, hold on I’ll be right back, I need to go change my shirt. When she returned I could tell she had also brushed her hair.
Thursday night just after I went to bed there was a man in the hall trying to pull his shorts up over his shoulders because the voices told him to or else all the snakes crawling on the floor would bite him. At that moment I considered shutting my door but I didn’t. Around 3am I was awakened by a man in his boxer shorts walking toward me and mumbling incoherently. Thinking he was confused I told him he was in the wrong room but he just kept on coming. He went into my bathroom so I ran and got a nurse. Two of them came back to escort him out but not before he had taken a nasty shit in my bathroom. I was told to not use my bathroom until it was cleaned and to sleep with my door shut for the rest of the night. I was scared and slept with my light on too.
On the continuum of crazy in that place I was on the very bottom rung. It was an interesting experience being locked up with no sharp objects, medication or phone. I asked for my birth control pills but was told it was a catholic hospital so they didn’t think I could have them. I find it baffling that a publicly funded hospital can base their medical treatment on religious values.
In the end after many tests and reviews by various professionals multiple times/day it was decided that my behaviour was due to a combination of personal stressors and being on too high of a dossage of my Effexor which in fact caused me further depression and thoughts of suicide. Depression and suicidal thoughts really are terrible side-effects for an anti-depressant to have. It was suggested that because I couldn’t do groups (due to risk of seeing my own clients) that I do private therapy. Since I don’t have the $200 an/hour for that the psychiatrist suggested I do the “Mind over mood” workbook and then check in with my health care team’s psychiatrist to review regularly.
Now I’m at home and feeling relatively well. Tuesday seems to be a distant memory that I’m not really keen on reliving. I had someone delete all the voice messages and texts on my phone so I didn’t have to think about them again. I saw my knife and laptop today and looking at them made me anxious. I think I’ll have to get rid of the knife and use my laptop only when using the tv as a monitor. Thank you to all for your kind letters, visits, thoughts, child minding, gifts and to the moving fairies who packed and moved most of my things for me while I was locked up in crazyville.
I have decided that I am no longer feeling obligated to post my blog on a daily basis. I still enjoy writing it and trying new things however I plan on minimizing the stressors in my life and that will include writing when I choose, not when I feel that I have to.