Day 194: The wonderful(?) world of online dating sites

I’ve been told recently by someone that I occasionally lack follow through on some of my blog topics so here it goes in an organized fashion.  If you just want to read about today’s topic please skip to #3. 

1. Forrest Gump: I didn’t end up falling asleep while watching it and thought it was a sweet movie.  I wanted not to like it, but it was cute. 

2. Meds update: I saw my doctor last week for a med review because I was still on a lower dosage than my psychiatrist wanted me to be. I’d had a few bad days, but overall I was feeling pretty good. So up went my meds and since then I have actually had periods of anxiety every single day.  I’ll give it a bit more time because it might just be coincidental at this point.

3. Last night I delved into the online dating site world. I signed up with I didn’t plan on it, it was just one of those spontaneous things that I sometimes do.  I guess maybe some realities were finally sinking in for me.  Things that I didn’t want to accept to be true and things that I didn’t want to give up on. Maybe it was my fuck you, here I go on without you…. I don’t know. I suppose it’s not a fuck you if the other person doesn’t care though is it? Whatever it was, I think I did it for the wrong reasons because I started to cry while completing my profile.  Once I was all done and having a look around the site it made me feel physically sick. It felt wrong, and I didn’t like it. I can see for some people it could give you the self esteem and ego boost you need with all the attention but personally it made me feel dirty and gross. While laying awake last night I told myself by morning I would just delete my profile and make it all go away. But I didn’t delete it, I left it. And then do you know what else I did?  I signed up with plenty of fish too.  I don’t know enough about the sites yet to know if they have new people’s profiles posted on the front page, but it sure seems like it.  Hey guys here’s a new one, quick GOOOOOO!  I don’t know how people have time to do all this.  winks, likes, favourites, messages, it’s all just too much. I had to log out of PoF shortly after making my profile because I just couldn’t deal with it.  Crying every time I log in may be a good indication that I’m just not ready.  Oh, and the most surreal part of it all was having baby daddy’s profile come up for me.  I don’t even want to talk about that.

I’ve spent a significant amount of time crying the last two days, sometimes to the point of hyperventilating. I don’t think I’m very well right now, possibly even slightly unstable. I just want to break something, make everything go away. Some realities are just too hard to deal with. 


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