August 7th…. I think: woe is me

I don’t know if woe is me can be considered a new thing but fuck it’s my blog and I can write what I want.

Sleep seems to be another thing in my life that has left me. I fondly remember not so long ago when my melatonin sleep aids worked wonderfully. Maybe I’m immune now. I slept a solid two hours but have even awake since 2am.

Last night around 10pm when I went to bed I heard a car pull in the driveway. I thought it was him coming home but it ended up being the neighbours. One of my cats who is older than my marriage has not left his side of the bed since he left. She’s very fat so the fact that she skipped her evening meal means something. The last thing I need is a dead cat. Maybe she’s sad or holding a solidarity hunger strike with me. Not that I’m purposely not eating but when I think of it the only thing I ate yesterday was a pickle. It wasn’t even a big pickle.

I got tired of tossing and turning and getting tangled in my own dress ( I apparently couldn’t be bothered to change) and turned on the bedside light. There on the table behind the alarm clock was his wedding ring.

Do you ever think that sometimes things are going really well and good only to find out the opposite? It’s like being hit in the stomach with a medicine ball. A really big fucking medicine ball thrown by a giant. Maybe one day I’ll feel foolish for being so naive and embarrassed for pleading but today is not that day. Today is just trying to breathe and survive.

I’m far from perfect and have made many mistakes but overall I like to think that I’m a good person. I think I’m a fun person to be with and am not completely hideous. Well I thought these things but it’s hard not to question everything about yourself when you’ve been rejected. If all those things about me were in fact true I wouldn’t be laying alone at 5:30am crying. Again.

I’ve seen every bit of the internet while laying here sleeplessly. There’s nothing good there. The only good part about my night was a dream that I had about feeding my rabbits that lived in the basement. Except for this one asshole rabbit called Jeremy. He tried to steal all the other rabbit’s food. Greedy bastard.

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