September 3, 2014: eat dinner in my room. Alone.

It’s surprising that I’ve never done this before. Last night I had either chest pains or the most intense panic attack I’ve ever had. I’m still not sure which it was but it was followed by another bad sleep. I’m not sure why I haven’t been sleeping well lately. The only changes I can think of are me taking those probiotics and the change of routine in getting the kids back to school. I wouldn’t think the probiotics would do that but I’ve put them on hold for now just in case.

This morning was one of those panicky times where I literally have to curl myself up into a ball to regain some control. All I could think of was that I wanted to go back to the psychiatric hospital. How fucked up is that?! I suppose it wasn’t necessarily the hospital itself but the feeling of having nothing to do all day but focus on my own composure and wellness.

Sometimes I feel like I have two jobs. There’s my actual paid job and then there’s my acting job which lasts for the workday. I play the part of a normal functioning working person. I play it so well that I convince myself it’s not acting. It’s not until I get home and crash that I realize that it is acting and it’s completely exhausting.

I decided that I could commit to one productive thing after work and that was it. I knew I couldn’t do the dishes, make dinner or go through the next batch of school forms. I planned to make home made twix bars. The base was to be walkers shortbread fingers but when I opened them up there were worms all over them. Fucking worms on the shortbread. Fuck walkers, get your shit together!!! That was it, I was done.

I have taken myself upstairs and ate my dinner in solitude. I am doing this with my brain and all the responsibilities it has for the evening:

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I know the morning will mean dishes and school forms in addition to everything else but right now I don’t care. Right now I hibernate.

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