October 14, 2014: cry in a meeting

Well, I’ve reached a new career high today. I cried in a meeting.

My last absence from work (remember that time at the end of July when I tried to kill myself?) triggered a mandatory attendance management meeting. Despite having my anxiety and depression recently deemed “chronic and/or episodic” which was not to cause further meetings to occur for said conditions, that deeming occurred approximately two weeks after I was off work. That meant that company policy dictated that the meeting needed to go ahead despite the fact that there was no actions to occur or further conversation to be had. The meeting contained my three next up superiors in order as well as my union representative. I have been frustrated at the senselessness of the meeting and asked to take the lead and begin. I began by saying that the company’s values are not reflected in their actions and that they don’t treat their employees the way they expect their employees to treat their clients. I went on to say that it was a poor use of everyone’s time to meet for the sake of meeting and that it was unfair of them to ask me to relive the experience three months later. As soon as I started to talk about how hard it was for me to recover and that I have put it all behind me now, it all came rushing back and I started to cry. I didn’t mean to cry. I didn’t want to cry. When I had said everything I wanted to, the highest boss said “well, I guess we’re done here. Meeting adjourned”. Apologies from all ensued and i was told that my policy concerns would be brought forward to an audit group.

As much as I hate that I cried in front of those individuals, I won’t dwell too much on it as it seems to have brought forward my message in a meaningful and resonating way.

On a side note I’ve been casually exploring alternative career options. I have found one position in particular that interests me however it is in a larger nearby city which would mean an additional hour commute each way. The new challenges entice me but I have to weigh at some point if my own personal time is more valuable to me than this position. I think it might be. Now if this job entailed training unicorns for costume glitter ball dances then of course there would be nothing to even think about!! Alas, that job has still not presented itself.

I wonder if I cried in that meeting today because it’s almost time for the red army to invade. Goddamn Mother Nature needs a punch in the fucking tit .

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