October 29, 2914: remember your fuckedupedness

Today started off well. I had a day off alone which is was nice. I like being alone. Here was my day in pictures:

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This day was good.  I spent it watching Parks and Recreation season 6 and consuming my week’s worth of calories in chocolate and champagne.  Then it went downhill.  I started thinking about that day in July that I tried to kill myself. https://lazyanxiousgirl.com/2014/07/27/

That night i had this song on repeat: I watched it over and over again and cried as hard as I could cry.

I’ve got that song on repeat again.  I’m remembering the blood running down my arms from the cuts I made and the police pounding on my door. I can feel the knife in my hands, the pills in my throat, the sadness in my heart.  The freedom I felt from knowing it would all be over.  I want to make it better but I can’t. I want to be happy but I can’t. I wish it was easier. I wish things could be perfect.

My pills aren’t like they were then, I wont try to kill myself now, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about it. I remember the times when my head told me to step in front of a bus. It told me that no one cared. It told me that it would be better if I felt nothing. It was right, but wrong at the same time. Things are not perfect but i will carry on because I need too, because I have to. Because I am needed.

 

 

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