October 17,2914: Insont think sleeping pills and whiskey mix

Muahahahah. I’m funny but so tired. Wish me luck.

I don’t know wtf that was. After a very long time of not sleeping I broke down and took a sleeping pill last nigh. It hit me fast and I guess I wrote that just before I passed out. it was glorious. I slept for 10 hours!!!! It was like old times again. My dream self fought the devil in disguise (twice!) by singing church hymns and sprinkling them with some kind of sparkle dust.

I feel like I should put on my best Maria dress and spin around the alps singing. I’m going to let myself believe that this is how i shall sleep from now on. Effexor you’re not the boss of me!!!!! ……. Today anyway.

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October 16, 2014: start Rollin’ Rollin’ Rollin’ Rollin’, what?

Last nights good sleep didn’t happen. I didn’t get up, eat cereal, do laundry and take out the garbage in the middle of the night though so I guess that’s a win.

I’m an irregular smoker however in the past 20 years not once have I ever rolled my own. They’ve been rolled by friends or ingested in alternate ways. Tonight was the big night. I bought a new lighter and rolling papers. What I didn’t buy was filters so I just made my own from my holiday lego catalogue cover. I need a grinder because I don’t want to soil my culinary pestle and mortar. So really considering those factors this isn’t too bad of a first attempt.

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Tonight I had better sleep well…. If not this is probably my new reality.

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October 15, 2014: become one of those people who buys a costume for their dog

It’s finally happened. I’ve become that person who takes the time to shop around and select a costume for their dog. I had actually preferred the dog ewok costume but held out for something better from the next store. That was a mistake. There is nothing better than an ewok. I got the next best thing, a velociraptor.

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I write this after having slept only a few hours last night. This Effexor induced insomnia is getting really old. Last night it was so bad that I had my breakfast around 3:30am, did some laundry and took out the garbage. Every Time I lay down my brain just won’t shut off. It’s amazing the things that I think about really. Last night it was about creating a survival/emergency kit. I planned out what to include and where I should buy the items I needed. I also reviewed survival tips in my head. When I finally fell asleep about 5am (one hour before my alarm was to go off) I dreamt that I had travelled to South Korea which in my dream seemed much like Tokyo. I was witness to a police standoff where the gunman finally just jumped to his death from the glass bridge he was on. I went for a drive to see the sights and popped in a Black crows cassette, then I went shopping and the clothes were all women’s hello kitty underwear, fake Swarovski jewelry and pin on raccoon tails. Is that racist? Am I a dream racist?! Today at work was hectic and in the afternoon my eyes began to burn like dry fire. At 4:17 I decided to close them just for a second to relieve the pain. I don’t think I fell asleep but when I opened my eyes again I felt a little disoriented. I have taken to my own herbal sleep aid tonight in hopes of finding relief. Sadly my lighter died after a couple of flicks
Though. Damn it universe, give an awesome chick a break. I absolutely need to sleep tonight or I’m going to be an insane mess tomorrow. Wish me luck.

October 14, 2014: cry in a meeting

Well, I’ve reached a new career high today. I cried in a meeting.

My last absence from work (remember that time at the end of July when I tried to kill myself?) triggered a mandatory attendance management meeting. Despite having my anxiety and depression recently deemed “chronic and/or episodic” which was not to cause further meetings to occur for said conditions, that deeming occurred approximately two weeks after I was off work. That meant that company policy dictated that the meeting needed to go ahead despite the fact that there was no actions to occur or further conversation to be had. The meeting contained my three next up superiors in order as well as my union representative. I have been frustrated at the senselessness of the meeting and asked to take the lead and begin. I began by saying that the company’s values are not reflected in their actions and that they don’t treat their employees the way they expect their employees to treat their clients. I went on to say that it was a poor use of everyone’s time to meet for the sake of meeting and that it was unfair of them to ask me to relive the experience three months later. As soon as I started to talk about how hard it was for me to recover and that I have put it all behind me now, it all came rushing back and I started to cry. I didn’t mean to cry. I didn’t want to cry. When I had said everything I wanted to, the highest boss said “well, I guess we’re done here. Meeting adjourned”. Apologies from all ensued and i was told that my policy concerns would be brought forward to an audit group.

As much as I hate that I cried in front of those individuals, I won’t dwell too much on it as it seems to have brought forward my message in a meaningful and resonating way.

On a side note I’ve been casually exploring alternative career options. I have found one position in particular that interests me however it is in a larger nearby city which would mean an additional hour commute each way. The new challenges entice me but I have to weigh at some point if my own personal time is more valuable to me than this position. I think it might be. Now if this job entailed training unicorns for costume glitter ball dances then of course there would be nothing to even think about!! Alas, that job has still not presented itself.

I wonder if I cried in that meeting today because it’s almost time for the red army to invade. Goddamn Mother Nature needs a punch in the fucking tit .

October 11, 2014: Share my dirty little secrets

Just kidding, this is the internet and not a place for dirty little secrets.  I’ve used that title to falsely lure you in! Muhahaha! What I’m going to share are more like quirky and occasionally embarrassing details that I don’t share with others. Everyone has things that they do/have done that seem perfectly normal to them however others might view them as odd. Here we go, let’s enter my brain:

1. When I’m in public I always wash my hands after using the bathroom but when I’m at home I don’t.  I think it’s important to allow my body to be exposed to germs and bacteria to build up antibodies and resistance. I don’t think people will support my decision to do this though so I run the water so it sounds like I’m washing my hands.

2. Every few months I like to load up a plastic baggie with olives and twist the top tightly.  When the olives are all in place (like a pastry bag) I cut a tiny hole in the corner and take half an hour or so to suck out all the juice.  Once the olives are sucked dry and warm from my hand I like to open the bag and eat them.

3. Sometimes I pee in the shower.  Let’s be honest, everyone does that.  Right?  Right?

4. When my indoor plants are on death’s door I put them outside to fend for themselves and enjoy a natural death.  95% of the time they come back to life and are thriving.  I feel bad and bring them back in the house.

5. As a child a started a habit of biting the insides of my cheeks.  I still do it and they are covered in scars that only my dentist knows about.

6. Occasionally I binge and purge.  I binge on food I like because it makes me feel happy and then in the end my stomach hurts so I purge.  I don’t do it to lose weight, I do it so my stomach stops hurting.

7. When I’m stressed and mentally unwell I cut.  I started when I was a teenager and have used it as a way to feel in control of myself. I don’t want people to know about it so I never cut deeply enough to scar.

8. I shit my pants for the first time this year.  I was sick and placed more trust in a fart than I should have.

9. I’m scared of a lot of things but when i’m behind my camera the fear goes away and I focus on trying to get a good shot.

10. Since i started working with alcoholics, I consume more alcohol than I ever used to.

11. In the 14 years that I have been a vegetarian/vegan I have eaten meat three times.  Once when a waiter thought he was being nice and secretly put chicken on my vegetarian nachos and the other two times happened years apart when I was in the Province of Quebec, became intoxicated and ate poutine.

12. Once I had an impressively long poo, took a picture of it and texted it to a friend. Virtual high fives ensued.

13. I have ended two dates/relationships in my life by telling the men that I was a lesbian.

14. I have soberly kissed two girls and I liked it.

15. I have two goals in life that one day I want to achieve.  Pose naked for an art group and sing in front of an audience.  I am neither beautiful nor musically talented.

16. I prefer squares to circles and even numbers to odd ones. Circles and odd numbers make me inexplicably feel anxious.

17. Despite my feelings about odd number, when I masturbate I like to reach three orgasms before stopping.

18. I loved the movie “Once” until I reached the end.  I was crushed and know that I can never watch that film again. I believe that whatever is meant to be will be despite all obstacles. That film conflicts my core beliefs and even when the soundtrack comes up on shuffle on my phone I have to skip the songs. I won’t listen to them but I can’t bring myself to delete them.

19. I often masturbate while I’m browsing Pinterest. Perhaps I have so little time to myself that I like to maximize my pleasures.

20. I think sleeping with another person is overrated. While I’m sleeping I don’t want to be touched, cuddled or even hear that there is another human in the same room.  Don’t steal my mother fucking blankets, snore or wake me up for any reason whatsoever.

21. I don’t care how old Seinfeld is, quotes are and will always be acceptable.

22. Day drunk is and always will be the best kind of drunk.

October 5, 2014: take my cat for a walk

After thinking about it for a long time, today was the day I took my handsome boy for a walk outside. He didn’t fuss when I put on his harness at all. As soon as we went outside he thought about go right back inside. Ignore the ugly welcome mat. It was a gift from our real estate agent 5ish years ago that we never replaced.

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He quickly got excited and turned his wild explorer on. We stopped several times to snack on some grass.

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He needs to learn that we walk where I lead us, not where he feels like walking but he did well. He wasn’t one of those cats that you say laying down and being dragged.

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The good news is he did well, the bad news is that now I’m one of those crazy cat ladies that walks their cat.