Just kidding, this is the internet and not a place for dirty little secrets. I’ve used that title to falsely lure you in! Muhahaha! What I’m going to share are more like quirky and occasionally embarrassing details that I don’t share with others. Everyone has things that they do/have done that seem perfectly normal to them however others might view them as odd. Here we go, let’s enter my brain:
1. When I’m in public I always wash my hands after using the bathroom but when I’m at home I don’t. I think it’s important to allow my body to be exposed to germs and bacteria to build up antibodies and resistance. I don’t think people will support my decision to do this though so I run the water so it sounds like I’m washing my hands.
2. Every few months I like to load up a plastic baggie with olives and twist the top tightly. When the olives are all in place (like a pastry bag) I cut a tiny hole in the corner and take half an hour or so to suck out all the juice. Once the olives are sucked dry and warm from my hand I like to open the bag and eat them.
3. Sometimes I pee in the shower. Let’s be honest, everyone does that. Right? Right?
4. When my indoor plants are on death’s door I put them outside to fend for themselves and enjoy a natural death. 95% of the time they come back to life and are thriving. I feel bad and bring them back in the house.
5. As a child a started a habit of biting the insides of my cheeks. I still do it and they are covered in scars that only my dentist knows about.
6. Occasionally I binge and purge. I binge on food I like because it makes me feel happy and then in the end my stomach hurts so I purge. I don’t do it to lose weight, I do it so my stomach stops hurting.
7. When I’m stressed and mentally unwell I cut. I started when I was a teenager and have used it as a way to feel in control of myself. I don’t want people to know about it so I never cut deeply enough to scar.
8. I shit my pants for the first time this year. I was sick and placed more trust in a fart than I should have.
9. I’m scared of a lot of things but when i’m behind my camera the fear goes away and I focus on trying to get a good shot.
10. Since i started working with alcoholics, I consume more alcohol than I ever used to.
11. In the 14 years that I have been a vegetarian/vegan I have eaten meat three times. Once when a waiter thought he was being nice and secretly put chicken on my vegetarian nachos and the other two times happened years apart when I was in the Province of Quebec, became intoxicated and ate poutine.
12. Once I had an impressively long poo, took a picture of it and texted it to a friend. Virtual high fives ensued.
13. I have ended two dates/relationships in my life by telling the men that I was a lesbian.
14. I have soberly kissed two girls and I liked it.
15. I have two goals in life that one day I want to achieve. Pose naked for an art group and sing in front of an audience. I am neither beautiful nor musically talented.
16. I prefer squares to circles and even numbers to odd ones. Circles and odd numbers make me inexplicably feel anxious.
17. Despite my feelings about odd number, when I masturbate I like to reach three orgasms before stopping.
18. I loved the movie “Once” until I reached the end. I was crushed and know that I can never watch that film again. I believe that whatever is meant to be will be despite all obstacles. That film conflicts my core beliefs and even when the soundtrack comes up on shuffle on my phone I have to skip the songs. I won’t listen to them but I can’t bring myself to delete them.
19. I often masturbate while I’m browsing Pinterest. Perhaps I have so little time to myself that I like to maximize my pleasures.
20. I think sleeping with another person is overrated. While I’m sleeping I don’t want to be touched, cuddled or even hear that there is another human in the same room. Don’t steal my mother fucking blankets, snore or wake me up for any reason whatsoever.
21. I don’t care how old Seinfeld is, quotes are and will always be acceptable.
22. Day drunk is and always will be the best kind of drunk.