November 30, 2014: Medieval Times dinner and tournament bitches

For those unfamiliar, Medieval times is an arena venue where you are entertained with actors/horses in period costumes and served meals by your wench (ours had a very low cut top and massive breasts) It’s been around for as long as I can remember but the $100/ticket price has been a deterrent for me. My dad invited us to go and bought the tickets. There are cheaper tickets I’m sure but he bought us front and center which as a grown ass person watching knights sword fighting, I have to say was pretty awesome.

If you’re an introvert, this is not the place for you. Audience cheering and participation is strongly encouraged.

Parents prepare yourselves and coach your kids in advance because there is a literal shit ton of merch that kids will beg you for. Be strong. Tell them to shut the fuck up and get a job.

The vegetarian meal was actually really good and unlike the meat option we were given a spoon. My daughter watched in polite disgust as my father picked up what I believe was no less than half a chicken in his hands.

Part way through I started to think about the horses and hoped that they spent their days happily on a farm and then came to the city for their nightly performance. Yes, I’m sure thats true. Then I was thinking about the actors. Imagine that being your job? You’re at a party mingling with a glass of wine.
“so, what do you do?”
“I’m the mother fucking red knight at medieval times.”
“Fascinating”

I got as much pleasure watching my kids as watching the show. They went from big smiles with wide eyes to peeking through their fingers at the exciting bits. The two hours seemed to go by quickly.

I don’t want to make you jealous but my knight tossed me a favour he won from the princess. I can’t catch a football but I can catch a flower from a man on horseback.

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