November 23, 2014: use alcohol to calm anxiety

This wasn’t my first choice. My first choice after meditation was a lorazepam. Four hours later when I still felt anxious for no particular reason I took another. It didn’t help. The PRN lorazepams that I have have never not worked before. This is not a good sign.

I am incredibly aware that using alcohol to mask mental health issues is a dangerous game to play. After no relief of a day of anxiety I care not at this moment. Two drinks do not an alcoholic make, but I do need to be cautious that this cannot be a long term solution. At least that’s what my liver says.

I can only hope that tomorrows return to work brings me peace because I definitely cannot drink at work. The line in the sand must be drawn and I’m drawing it hard and deep right there.

After my roller coaster of a day the two drinks are nice. Warm, comforting. They help me forget that I was sad. That despite my value of inner peace, my war rages on. For now it’s a truce.

Today was the first day in months I’ve held a knife to my arm again. I didn’t cut but I felt the cool flat side of the blade slide up and down my arm. It felt good. I was in control.

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