I like Instagram a lot, I enjoy looking at other peoples pictures to see what inspires them and what they find interesting. Usually the pics are good but sometimes there’s falsely hash tagged pics purposely done for views. I’ve found there’s a lot of pictures of cutting when you look up #cats and lots of tits and ass under #bnw. The cutting is hard for me to look at but I don’t report it, those people are posting to get themselves some help or someone to talk to. The t & a, well I obviously appreciate that for the art that it is. I reported dick pics. It was a whole new gallery of recently uploaded dick pics. Now I don’t have a problem with dick pics per se, but these ones were not fit to be seen. If you’re a man and you shave, I’m down with that party BUT do not take pics with your 5 day dick scruff. Dick scruff deserves to be reported.
On a side note, my two male sea monkeys gang banged my one female. They fuck for three days straight and when one was done, the other took over for another three days. When I checked this morning one of the males was dead. Fucked to death, what a way to go.
I started this blog on January 1st 2014 with the goal of trying at least one new thing each day however part way through the year I decided to put less pressure on myself and post only when I felt inclined to do so. In the end I ended up with a total of 286 posts (not including this one and tbd if I post any more in the next three days) That falls short of my 365 goal however I’m still quite pleased with it. I wanted to do this for myself, but in the end gained many regular followers and some occasional visitors so to all of you who were a part of my madness this year, thank you. I have a few new ideas for revamping and additions for next year but i’m hesitant to do them just yet. I know that I get a little anxious (to put it mildly) when some of my regular websites change formats and layouts and I’m hesitant to inflict that on anyone else. Although it is possible that I am the only crazy person who has that reaction.
As promised: Stats for those who like stats:
Top 5 countries by views of 2014:
2. United States
4. United Kingdom
Top 5 posts of 2014:
1. September 1: An average girl’s thoughts on porn and general sex tips
2. Day 112: Get naked in a public change room
3. Day 68: You’re on vacation and intoxicated (really?! This is #3?)
4. Day 200 and onward: To crazy and back (The post which was originally before this was actually #2 however it has been deleted)
5. Day 38: Stop being so gross and take care of your damn self
No surprises I guess, people like sex, booze and crazy people. I should go have drunk sex with a crazy person and see if I break the internet.
There are a lot of people that hate christmas because of the constant barrage of questions and comments from their families about their singledom and/or childless state. For the many in this situation, I have compiled for you a list of responses to make them stfu forever.
“So, are you seeing anyone special?”
A. “Yes I am. I’m seeing myself. I am the best. I never argue with myself about who should replace the toilet paper or disagree on how often we should have sex. I am my favourite lover and know exactly what I want.”
B. “Last night I slept in the starfish position in my bed, warm because no one stole my blankets and woke up well rested because I didn’t hear anyone snoring. How did you sleep bitch?”
C. “No, I am happily single and unlike you I don’t have to worry about losing half of my assets in the divorce.”
“So when are you two going to have kids?”
A. “We live on a planet that is slowly being raped by over consumption and overpopulation. We don’t feel like we need to contribute to the problem in order to feel like we are valuable to society”
B. “Right after we spend our money on relaxing vacations and fast shinny cars”
C. “A quarter past never. We are fabulous and live fabulous lives devoid of small, whining , soul sucking assholes.”
Whether you are spending your holidays alone, with friends or with family, try to find joy in the things you love and when in doubt consume copious amounts of alcohol because that makes everything more enjoyable.
I like Pinterest a lot. Sometimes just pinning things makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something meaningful. Pinterest can be a minefield of shit though, really who needs to learn how to paint landscape scenes on their fingernails? Ain’t nobody got time for dat. A very long time ago I pinned something on how to cut a glass bottle. It involved acetone soaked yarn wrapped around a bottle and set on fire….. And that’s actually pretty much it.
My last bottle of whisky was pretty nice looking so I kept it not certain exactly what I would do with it. I washed it out and peeled off the label. I couldn’t find my goo gone so I used another Pinterest trick to get off the sticky label glue….. Drum roll drrrrrrrrrrrrrrr peanut butter! And yes it works. You’re welcome.
The only yarn I had was at least ten years old and very chunky. I had decided I was going to learn to knit and Id heard that chunky yarn hides fuck ups better. Needless to say I gave up after half a scarf. Chunky yarn is good for knitting, not so good for cutting a glass bottle. My break line was not as straight and even as it should have been and I’m certain that it was the fault of the yarn and not me. I should have taken pictures of the process but it would have been awkward with a flaming bottle in one hand and my phone in the other. Once the flames are out you submerge in cold water and that’s that. You have to sand down the edges of course to avoid nasty bloody fingers. I decided to buy some baby succulents and turn my whiskey bottle into a wee terrarium.
Great news on the headache/brain aneurysm: I don’t have one. I have not yet been able to rule out brain tumor however. This sounds dramatic perhaps but I am very adept at self diagnosis. It began in my youth before the days of computers when my parents bought a very large illustrated medical encyclopedia. I spent longer than I care to admit reading through it (I am an only child, you had to make your own fun). I also recently diagnosed myself with perioral dermatitis which was caused by a newly developed hypersensitivity to fluoride. I did what my doctor couldn’t and super sleuthed that mystery like Nancy Drew. Tom’s of Maine toothpaste is my new best friend.
That’s irrelevant though. All you need to know is that I cut a mother fucking glass bottle with FIRE.
Okay, probably not. I think at certain times I have a flare for the dramatic.
I rarely get headaches but I’ve had one everyday for the past two weeks. At first I thought maybe I wasn’t drinking enough so I drank a shit ton of water one day and still had a headache. Then I thought it was brought on by stress at work but then the headaches came on the weekends too. Now I’m convinced that it’s a brain aneurysm. Today’s headache didn’t go away until I had taken a painkiller, drank a Gatorade and laid in a dark room. Maybe it’s my body’s way of saying that it wants to live the hermit life. Needless to say I fell asleep during aforementioned dark lay down.
When I woke up I felt warm and my heart was racing. I tried deep breathing but nothing could get my heart to slow. In my mind death was imminent. I took me at least 10 minutes to realize that I was actually having a panic attack and not a heart attack. It’s funny that having suffered them so many times before I didn’t recognize it right away. I’ve been living relatively anxiety and panic attack free lately ( thanks Effexor!) I don’t know what exactly my body was panicked about really, I woke up from my nap in a nice natural way. Maybe my head was all like “shit man, we’ve got to deal with the real world again. Fuck that’s scary”.
My mind is still telling my body to freak out a little but I’m trying to distract myself by writing this and breathing through it. I have a very small amount of my little blue pills left and I feel like I need to ration them well until I see my doctor next. The very fact that the bottle is so low causes me anxiety.
I would be a great friend to have during a zombie apocalypse because I would get panicked and curl up in a little ball. While the zombies feasted on me you could escape. You’re welcome.
Gold in my drink motha fucka!! Everyone likes to pretend that looks don’t matter but they do. Sometimes I judge books by their covers and sometimes I buy booze based on appearances. Usually booze judging is by the label but this time I was pulled in by the levitating gold flakes. Smirnoff golden apple vodka get in ma belly!!!!
I bought it without any thought for what it should actually be mixed with. The internets had surprisingly few suggestions so I used a little trick I learned in Aruba. Vodka goes with champagne! Shot of vodka, fill the glass with champagne. Look how gorgeous
Today at work a colleague who has worked there at least 10 more years than I have took me aside today and said thank you for some things I said during a meeting yesterday. She said I always say the things she is thinking and wished she had my courage
to say. While it’s not really a big deal, it
kind of is for me. I’m very proud of myself and the progress I’ve made with regards to speaking my mind. I used to be very quiet and withdrawn but despite all my anxiety I have overcome and made a name for myself as someone who speaks their mind.
If I don’t have gold flakes in my shit tomorrow I will be disappointed.
I feel like it is also my responsibility to tell you that when you combine vodka with champagne you will get really loaded really fast. Be careful, in Aruba you might get really hot and decide that you should take off all your clothes and feel up some lesbians by the pool. I’m not saying that this happened to me, but seriously, it happened to me. Be careful of vodka and champagne and naked lesbian cocktails. Godspeed.
And by inner teen I mean I’m drinking Mikes hard lemonade. This drink was very popular circa 1997 when us kids were watching Titanic and getting butterfly tattoos on our backs (don’t judge me) my first sip of mikes tonight made me think id made a huge mistake but now 2/3rds in I think it might not be so bad. I also listened to Sophie b. Hawkins. We love tacos!
Vagina steaming update: remember when I steamed my vagina? Well this round of my Crimson tide has lasted FOREVER! I didn’t fully believe in the power of vagina steaming when it said it does a cleansing of your uterus, but I am now a vuliver! Everytime I think it’s over it’s like “surprise motha fucka!!”
Unrelated but important: I don’t like dogs with carts for their limp back legs. They make me feel sad.
Now to watch the 1988
Christmas classic Scrooged starring Bill Murray for the very first time. True story.