December 3, 2014: steam your vagina

Vagina steaming is actually a centuries old herbal remedy which is coming back in popularity. The short version is that you boil fresh herbs and then let them steep into a vagina tea. You expose your vagina to the steam for about half an hour and voila you’re done.

Some of the touted benefits include:
Decreased menstrual cramps
Increased sex drive
Improved circulation
Reduced anxiety
Increased fertility
Reduced infections

Traditionally there are a number of fresh herbs you could use for various results but I chose Rosemary, oregano and basil because ain’t nobody finding wormwood and calendula at Walmart, am I right?!

This is now an available spa treatment that depending on the spa can cost you upwards of $45. I’m doing it at home of course because it cost only what you pay for the herbs. Here are my chosen herbs after 10 minutes of boiling and 5 minutes of steeping. Vagina tea!

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It made my house smell really nice. Some people who do this often actually have a specialized plastic chair to use, or if you’re traditional you use a canned chair which allows the steam to penetrate through. People like me use a two handled pot that can fit in the toilet (mine doesn’t touch the water). You can also crouch over the pot but I couldn’t do that for half an hour. If you can crouch over a pot for half an hour, shout out to you because that my friend is a very special talent.

I had to wait more than five minutes before sitting because my vajajay tea was too fucking hot and nobody wants vagina burns. This should go without saying but if you’re pregnant or currently mid ruby soho, don’t do this.

Once you’re sitting you need to wrap a blanket or large towel around you to keep the steam in. Make sure you have everything you need so you don’t have to move. Me? I’ve got a mimosa and my phone for music. Also I may also be writing this while I steam.

I think I can feel steam condensation drips forming on my ass. To maximize my steam intake I’m doing kegels. I haven’t read anywhere that you’re supposed to do this but it just feels right.

I don’t know if any of the benefits are true but I’m pretty sure my vagina smells and tastes like Christmas right now. Mark my words, vagina steams will be to 2015 what asshole bleaching was to 2012.

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