December 13, 2014: sharing corner: I understand why people want to kill themselves

Id like to formally introduce a new type of post. It doesn’t consist of something new that I did today, it is simply thoughts that I’d like to share.

Today I spent a lot of time feeling really shitty. One of the really unfortunate things about depression is that sometimes you feel ambitious and get stuff done, but after a couple of hours you’re exhausted for the entire day. Today I cleaned the stove, did some laundry and cleaned the front hall. That took me a couple of hours in the morning but after that I was done. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or do anything. This is essentially my life in a nutshell. I can accomplish things but then I shut down. During the week my energy goes to work and then I shut down when I get home. On weekends I try to clean a bit, then I shut down. What this means to me is that no one day is better than any other. They all blur together and you’re just trying to make it through. Sometimes I nap just to help the day end sooner. I don’t know why I want to sleep sooner though because the next day is simply the same as the one before. I’m not currently thinking of suicide, but for those with depression it’s not a difficult thing to understand. When your days are filled with sadness and nothing ever changes it doesn’t seem like there is much point In continuing on.

The funny thing is that when I started taking anti-depressants about 8 years ago I wasn’t depressed. I was prescribed them for anxiety. I used to bake and make nice meals, I used to host parities with friends. I used to keep my house clean and go out. I can’t say that anti-depressants caused my depression, I’m sure it must be coincidental but the timelines really do make me wonder sometimes. Now my house is a mess, the thought of social interaction is exhausting and my meals usually involve frozen things in a box.

To make it go away, drugs and alcohol helps. This is of course a terrible long term coping mechanism but sometimes you just want the be happy even for a little while. This is my life, and probably the life of many others:

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Now I’m going to drink champagne and watch national lampoons christmas vacation. I will get drunk and be happy.

M cat just pulled a rhinestone off my guess t-shirt and ate it. His shit is going to be fabulous.

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