December 21, 2014: well this is it, I’m probably dying

Okay, probably not. I think at certain times I have a flare for the dramatic.

I rarely get headaches but I’ve had one everyday for the past two weeks. At first I thought maybe I wasn’t drinking enough so I drank a shit ton of water one day and still had a headache. Then I thought it was brought on by stress at work but then the headaches came on the weekends too. Now I’m convinced that it’s a brain aneurysm. Today’s headache didn’t go away until I had taken a painkiller, drank a Gatorade and laid in a dark room. Maybe it’s my body’s way of saying that it wants to live the hermit life. Needless to say I fell asleep during aforementioned dark lay down.

When I woke up I felt warm and my heart was racing. I tried deep breathing but nothing could get my heart to slow. In my mind death was imminent. I took me at least 10 minutes to realize that I was actually having a panic attack and not a heart attack. It’s funny that having suffered them so many times before I didn’t recognize it right away. I’ve been living relatively anxiety and panic attack free lately ( thanks Effexor!) I don’t know what exactly my body was panicked about really, I woke up from my nap in a nice natural way. Maybe my head was all like “shit man, we’ve got to deal with the real world again. Fuck that’s scary”.

My mind is still telling my body to freak out a little but I’m trying to distract myself by writing this and breathing through it. I have a very small amount of my little blue pills left and I feel like I need to ration them well until I see my doctor next. The very fact that the bottle is so low causes me anxiety.

I would be a great friend to have during a zombie apocalypse because I would get panicked and curl up in a little ball. While the zombies feasted on me you could escape. You’re welcome.

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