December 22, 2014: cut a glass bottle with mother fucking fire

I like Pinterest a lot. Sometimes just pinning things makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something meaningful. Pinterest can be a minefield of shit though, really who needs to learn how to paint landscape scenes on their fingernails? Ain’t nobody got time for dat. A very long time ago I pinned something on how to cut a glass bottle. It involved acetone soaked yarn wrapped around a bottle and set on fire….. And that’s actually pretty much it.

My last bottle of whisky was pretty nice looking so I kept it not certain exactly what I would do with it. I washed it out and peeled off the label. I couldn’t find my goo gone so I used another Pinterest trick to get off the sticky label glue….. Drum roll drrrrrrrrrrrrrrr peanut butter! And yes it works. You’re welcome.

The only yarn I had was at least ten years old and very chunky. I had decided I was going to learn to knit and Id heard that chunky yarn hides fuck ups better. Needless to say I gave up after half a scarf. Chunky yarn is good for knitting, not so good for cutting a glass bottle. My break line was not as straight and even as it should have been and I’m certain that it was the fault of the yarn and not me. I should have taken pictures of the process but it would have been awkward with a flaming bottle in one hand and my phone in the other. Once the flames are out you submerge in cold water and that’s that. You have to sand down the edges of course to avoid nasty bloody fingers. I decided to buy some baby succulents and turn my whiskey bottle into a wee terrarium.

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Great news on the headache/brain aneurysm: I don’t have one. I have not yet been able to rule out brain tumor however. This sounds dramatic perhaps but I am very adept at self diagnosis. It began in my youth before the days of computers when my parents bought a very large illustrated medical encyclopedia. I spent longer than I care to admit reading through it (I am an only child, you had to make your own fun). I also recently diagnosed myself with perioral dermatitis which was caused by a newly developed hypersensitivity to fluoride. I did what my doctor couldn’t and super sleuthed that mystery like Nancy Drew. Tom’s of Maine toothpaste is my new best friend.

That’s irrelevant though. All you need to know is that I cut a mother fucking glass bottle with FIRE.

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