Let’s start with the good part of the night. A couple days ago I was looking back on old facebook videos I had posted of my kids. They were funny, cute and made me reminisce about happier times. I realized I hadn’t taken any videos of them lately so I compiled a list of eight questions that I asked them individually. I enjoyed their responses and am glad that I documented it. The kids loved doing it and doing something unique made me feel like a good parent. I haven’t felt like a good parent lately. I haven’t felt much like a good anything lately.
I’ve been managing just fine. I make it in to work, I do what I need to do. Minimal anxiety and crying. No cutting, hardly any alcohol at all. Some purging but I can’t change everything all at once. Managing isn’t the same as doing well though. My children don’t go hungry but they did have pizza two nights in a row for dinner. I’m sure I don’t play with them or read to them enough. After work I just want to be alone but of course I can’t. I went away for the weekend and my suitcase is still laying out and messy. Last weeks laundry is still not put away. I feel like I’m never good enough and I know I can be better but I don’t have the energy or ambition to do it. I feel like my spouse is always angry with me because I don’t do enough. I don’t blame him. It’s unfair of me to be living here and not equally working toward the maintenance of the home. That is what I miss most about living alone. Not feeling guilty about letting people down.
Now I’m crying. I don’t know why. I’m going to bed. I’ve been sleeping really well lately with the assistance of melatonin to help me fall asleep. I’ve been having good dreams. I’ve been happy in my dreams. I used to take one melatonin to fall asleep, then a couple weeks ago it went to two. Tonight I took three. My bottle is almost empty. It’s natural though so no harm done.
My favourite time of day is when I start to get tired and my thoughts turn just peculiar enough to realize that I’m falling asleep and dreams are on their way. Good dreams. Dreams where I laugh, feel loved and am happy.