March 9, 2015: admit defeat and enjoy the downward spiral 

it doesn’t matter what job you do, at some point you’re going to make someone angry. I don’t like making people angry. In fact I pride myself in my ability to deliver services and occasionally difficult news to people in a helpful way that avoids anger and it’s been years since I’ve had someone yell at me. Today I broke that years long streak and it didn’t feel good.

My rational mind tells me that this client has mental health issues and is a victim of a traumatic past and so I shouldn’t take it personally. My mind also tells me that due to this trauma their coping mechanisms are stunted and so they lack the ability to process and react to situations in an appropriate way. That’s nice brain, way to think positive, it’s not my fault. Enter overly sensitive heart. My heart says I’m a bad person who is unkind and not helpful. I make difficult situations worse and I have someone who doesn’t like me. 

Heart always seems to win with me and so after that incident began a downward spiral. Not a journey to the center of the earth spiral but a lay on the floor and mope spiral. I got home soaking wet and freezing cold, ate a big Lindt chocolate bunny, layed in the bath for over half an hour then flopped on the couch (not quite the floor, but still). I tried to get myself out of it, I googled “affirmations” and even “what to do when you don’t feel awesome”. Those weren’t particularly helpful and so I have just accepted the fact that today was shit and I can’t turn that feeling around. 

Perhaps my inability to move on is also due to this being my 7th consecutive day of my anxiety/panic attacks return. Welcome back fucker, I haven’t missed you!!!! Last Friday my anxiety returned because thrust at night I drank an entire bottle of champagne. Saturday my anxiety returned because I was out until 3am bartending and I missed out on sleep. Sunday I was anxious because I had family coming over. Monday-today I’ve had panic attacks every morning and had to motivate myself to even get out of bed. I’m done now, they can stop. I remember what it’s like and I’m not a fan. I’ve been well so haven’t needed any pills. I’d even run out of my PRN lorazepams and hadn’t felt the need to get more. I actually find lorazepams to be somewhat ineffective on me anyway. 

And so, I give on today. There’s no saving it. I’ve taken a melatonin and hope for a good night sleep and a better day tomorrow. Now that I think of it, my favourite pills are sublingual. Melatonin, clonazepam….. I should consider dropping acid. Perhaps and pros and cons list is in order. God, I fucking love lists. Lists are great. 

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