October 6, 2015: wish someone would die

When I put the title like that it makes me recoil a bit at my cruel insensitivity but the more I think about it, the less badly I feel for it.

My grandmother had been in the ER since last night when all us family were called in because we were told this was it. We drove through the night and arrived here at 3am. In the last 28 hours I have slept for half an hour. My grandmother had another stroke, and a seizure and has been unconscious ever since. We removed her from life support about 3 or 4 hours ago and now she’s comfortable on dilaudid. Before last night she had been unhappy. She felt like it was her time to go and she misses my grandfather. She never wanted this. She made it clear she didn’t want machines keeping her alive. She’s just sleeping now. A gross sounding uncomfortable sleep and I just want it to be over for her. Over for everyone. What a horrible thing it is to just wait for someone to die. To sit beside them and hope that they would just die already. 

I’ve sent my sleep deprived family off to my grandmothers house in the country at least an hour and a half away from the hospital to get some sleep. They are all much older than me and need to rest. I hope that she dies while they’re gone. I’d like for me to be the only one to have to see it. Even if it’s not peaceful, I will tell them it was to make them feel okay. 

I’m tired and the bubbling sound of the sterile water bag moisturizing the oxygen sounds like a fish tank. I’m going to put my feet up on these horrible vinyl chairs and pretend it’s a fish tank. Maybe she can hear it and thinks it’s a fish tank. That would be nice.