Accepting that you are enough

When you suffer from depression and anxiety sometimes it feels like pursuing happiness is a fruitless labour. It feels like no matter the effort you put in, sometimes that faceless monster storms into your life and takes over. The road to hell is paved to good intentions. Hell is your bed and you’re stuck in it wishing for sleep to guide you from one day to the next in a blur of nothingness.  You don’t want that nothingness, but it’s the best you can do.

I want to be happy. I want to be productive and accomplish things. I want people to be proud of me and most of all I want to be proud of myself. When that depression monster is pinning you down your hopes and dreams become distant memories. Those distant memories fade into a fog that seems impossible to push through, but push through you must. It’s an exhausting process but pushing your way through is the only way to get out.

Some days I think I can’t make it out of bed let alone get dressed and be functional at work. Those are the days that I have to talk myself through one step at a time. I tell myself that I’ll just shower and see how it goes. From there I tell myself I’ll just get dressed and if at any point it becomes too much I can go back to bed. Next I’ll get myself to work, if I have to leave so be it.  Usually it ends up that step by step, I’ve successfully made it through another day. Did I get home and cook an amazing meal?  Probably not. Did I come home and clean the house? Yeah right. But make it through the day I did and sometimes that is all we can hope for and that is enough.

No one is happy all the time and sometimes the best we can get is simply to survive and that is okay. Rather than focusing on the things I did not accomplish that day, I choose to focus on the things that I did.

Maybe there’s a load of laundry on my bed but at least I washed it. Maybe there’s a pile of dirty dishes on the counter but at least I made a meal. Sometimes we need to allow ourselves permission to accept that we can’t do everything.  Feeling guilty about the things that weren’t accomplished will not lead to feelings of success but understanding and accepting that there are times when whatever minimal tasks we did manage to accomplish is absolutely okay will allow us to feel at peace with ourselves.

Today is survival, tomorrow is fame and fortune. Just kidding, tomorrow is simply better than today and that is enough.

October 21, 2014: start prepping for a zombie apocalypse

Now that I am aware of my non existent-mild psychic powers I need to respect them and believe that thoughts come into my head for a reason. On two occasions my mind went to survival scenarios today; once when participating in my urban sustainable agriculture course discussion and a second time at work when phones and computers were down and we discussed the 2003 North American east coast black out.

Why twice in one day? It’s enough for me to feel the need to be more thoughtful in my knowledge and prepared with the right tools. Sure, I know how to create a crude water filter for an emergency and I know how to make a clay pot refrigeration system using evaporation, But is that enough to survive? No, probably not. I don’t carry cash or have a pantry full of preserves. I also don’t know how to catch a squirrel (sorry small friends but this vegetarian would have to survive somehow). While I don’t actually envision a zombie apocalypse, a black out or natural disaster are quite feasible. By the way, for emergency short term use your own home can provide you with safe drinking water in the reservoirs of your toilets and in the hot water tank (there is a release valve at the bottom) you’re welcome!

I don’t think I will become one of the extremists or “preppers” as they’re called, but I certainly could be better prepared than not at all. Some neighborhoods actually coordinate their prepping efforts with different families acting as specialists in certain areas (medical, gardening etc). For now I have bought two survival books and some flint stone. That seems like a practical tool to have. I could start 1,000 fires for the low price of $1.49!!!!!
I didn’t buy one but those para-cord bracelets seem pretty popular, and oh so fashionable! Maybe Santa will put a pink one in my stocking.

You might be laughing now but it will be me who’s laughing when I sit on a hot summers day sipping my cold clean water while I watch you slowly suffer from dehydration and heat stroke.

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Day 149: final day of social assistance eating

Thank god it’s over!!!!! No breakfast again today, and lunch was too pizza pops. Without breakfast and morning snacks by the time lunch rolls around I’m starving and inhale whatever rubbish the day brings. Today was the last two pizza pops. Dinner was pasta and toast. The pasta sauce wasn’t too horrible, just a little sweet. If I had herbs and veg it wouldn’t have been so bad. I’m soon to finish the last bit of peaches. Since three of my meals this week were given to me I haven’t touched the perogies and still have a box of Mac and cheese left. Some leftover beans, frozen veg and leftover pasta. Maybe I could have bought slightly less and picked up a vegetable or two. Mmm or maybe apple sauce. I like apple sauce. Regardless, eating out was completely out of the question as was anything fresh and healthy. I’m glad to have it come to an end and have gained further respect for those who are surviving this way.

On a positive note, today was mortgage renewal day. The bank sent a letter a few months ago offering a 3.5 interest rate. I didn’t bite and sure enough they offered a better deal. Old rate was 4.7 and the new rate as of today is 2.9. That ends up cutting the mortgage payment by $202/month. Awwww yisss.